Y2 D36

What do I want from life?

To kidnap an heiress or threaten her with a knife?

Yeah sure. My birthday is in a week and I don't give a shit. First time ever in my life I don't care about my birthday. By this point I would have been sending emails and writing on walls how many hours are left until the day. This year? Fuck it. The best gift I could give to everyone else would be to disappear and stay out of their lives for good.

What DO I want from life?

A meaningless love affair with a girl I met last night?

Last year, I didn't feel so alone. I spent my birthday running around Disneyland with my then girlfriend and the Kid plus one of her friends. I felt like I had a connection to the world. This year, right at this moment I have never felt so disconnected. 

The day yesterday was uneventful for the most part. Went back to the client, did some work for them. Spent like 4 hours on site. I did late yesterday get word on my new project. Less than 5 miles from home and at least a month if not two worth of work. 

What DO I WANT from life?

Someone to love and somebody I can trust?

Best gift I could get? For LO to show up at the airport on my birthday, fuck my brains out, then get right back on a plane the next morning. No hassle no fuss. Yeah like THAT is going to happen. Hell, I don't even know what's going on with that any more. The distance, the age difference, the life differences, they are all starting to come into focus. For both of us. Something has to give one way or the other. Tired of being a long distance friend. Need something more, one way or another. Once again I found myself texting between 1 and 3am with her. No sleep, just random texts. The closest relationship I have with a woman is 750 miles away and electronic. Nice.

Reality of my birthday? No one will be there. I will be alone. I will spend the day by myself. I will share it with the Kid, but you know what I mean. I won't have anyone to truly share it with. I have so few people I can call friend and none of them are nearby. Nor will none of them travel to see me. They have their own lives and I am just not that important - to anyone. Anymore. Was I ever? Was it all pretend? From everyone?

I wish I could come to terms with things in my daily life. How hard is it for me to find someone? Why is it so hard for me to find someone? I do feel I have a lot to offer. Everyone gives me crap about my lifestyle, how I live, that I am just playing, etc. But they refuse to acknowledge that I *DO* want a relationship. I would be very happy in the RIGHT relationship with the RIGHT person. Someone who can accept me, my lifestyle, my quirks, my drinking, my attitude, my everything. I would give the right woman the world. Of course, I said that to X2 once and she said "yeah, but I would have to pay the bill later". Bitch. I mean don't get me wrong, in some ways she was right, but she is still a bitch. 

Am I good person? I sometimes don't know. I don't know what I am doing anymore. This is why I want to go away forever. As soon as the kid is old enough to be on her own and not need me, it will be time for me to disappear. Save me and I will save you. Can I be saved? Is there time? Is there hope? I am losing hope at a faster rate each day, each hour.

WHAT DO I WANT FROM LIFE???

Well you can't have that...