Y2 D60

I wonder if it's possible to be permanently depressed. I mean is that ok? Is it ok to realize that life for the most part is a bunch of meaningless random shit that really doesn't matter? I think that maybe once you can accept that, then the rest falls into place. If you accept that your life is nothing but a serious of stupid crap that will amount to nothing...

I can't believe it's almost August. Where the hell did this year go already? It seems like just yesterday I was thinking about moving and having to drive back and forth from one area to another. This is why I am feeling like life is nothing but random bullshit. I just keep plodding along. Never moving forward never changing. And people wonder why I am in a permanent state of depression...

I am very much hating life right now. The next person who tells me to get a fucking hobby is out of my life forever. I don't know how I can make it any clearer to people. It's not that I don't have hobbies or interests, it's that I am so fucking broke and stressed trying to keep my head above water that I can't get into anything. I don't have the means to be able to pursue hobbies. I am so busy trying to stay on top of everything and just barely doing that right now. I need to somehow eliminate the financial problem. THAT is the root of all my current issues. I am so far behind on everything I can't move forward. Let me restate it again just for the slow kids out there -- in the last year I have reduced my household income by SEVENTY FIVE PERCENT. But the bills didn't go away. Not to mention you can't change your mental state overnight. I was used to living a certain way based on the household income. It's taking time but I am trying to readjust to the new income level. I still have the same bills though. I need $75,000 in cash to eliminate all the stress. Easy peasy right?

We spent the day at the pool here yesterday. It was nice and relaxing for the kids. I spent the whole day with a false smile on my face because in the back of my mind I was worried about my brother, if I am going to bounce my rent check, how I am going to keep them in food for another week, etc.

I need about $500 to keep me until payday. I have to figure out some way to come up with at least that much in the next 48 hours...