ANA Y1 D34

Remember when I would have nothing to type in here? Remember when I would complain my life is very boring and there is nothing going on? Yeah, right about now I miss those days.

Guess who is home and in bed right now? Yep. B. Why? Because CGF broke up with them last night. Broke up is a strong term. To be more accurate, put the brakes on any further sexual activity between the two of them. All in all, B was able to have 2, maybe 3 (I think there was one time I don't know about, but whatever) liaisons with them before it ending. Heck, more than I have had in the same time frame. I've had two in the last 5 weeks and one of those was with B. Not the point. Point is that because of the stupid friend R, CGF is uncomfortable doing things any more. Back on June11th I gave you the scoop of how R was all panty-twisted because she has the hots for B. Even though B shut her down multiple times. Apparently through a mutual friend CGF found out that R really really didn't want B and CGF sleeping together even though they told B it was okay as long as they didn't know about it. Says one thing to B, but another to everyone else. Here's the rub though - to CGF this was/is just sex. To B there are "feelings". CGF is willing to stop their interactions in order to preserve the relationship with R because, well, it's just sex. B on the other hand was crying again last night. 

Yesterday when I broke up with my couple it was very clean and no issue. I politely explained that I wasn't into their whole pre-game show and wanted to just have sex. If that was a problem, they should find someone else. They agreed, we said our goodbyes, thanks for playing, and it was over. Just like CGF, we recognized it was just sex, there were no feelings involved, and we parted ways. It's emotions and feelings that make the whole ENM thing hard. I am much better at separating this than B is it would appear. Very odd in of itself that is. I, the one who usually lets feelings rule my world, handled this much better. 

Regardless, B came home last night and I did what I didn't think I was capable of doing; I was the supportive partner who gave hugs, words of encouragement, and support. No arguments, no gloating, just kind words and hugs. Now, don't get me wrong, I will gloat a little tomorrow when I go to therapy. Hey, test results aside, I am human. They cried themselves to exhaustion and fell asleep holding my hand. All good. They will head back to the campground today sometime. Still have all their stuff there and it's paid for until Friday. In case you're wondering, yes this pretty much ends the friendship with R. WHO by the way, came to the campsite on Tuesday, ended up spending the night much to B's surprise. They got drunk and high and were like "oops I can't drive. I guess I have to sleep in your tent with you". So B was already angry at them because they had a chiro appointment in the morning. Normally R is the kind who wakes up on their own and moves slowly. Not yesterday. The second their eyes were open B was like, you need to leave now. This is pre-breakup mind you. B was already annoyed at R hours before. B got up, came home to start a load of laundry, went to chiro, came back got laundry, then messaged me a few hours later saying that they were sure CGF was breaking up with them. I'd say this was around 3 or 4. At 10pm, confirmation came in and they said they were on their way home. I guess CGF was already planning to go to the campsite for some nookie and instead came and ended it. 

In other news, well, still related, I told B yesterday morning I had canceled my Friday plans and ended things. They said okay, but they had made plans thinking I was going to be out. Understandable. Don't change your plans because of me. I don't know if those plans were with CGF or someone else though. I ended up making backup plans and am having a couple of friends over to play Scrabble. If B's plans were with CGF, now this will be awkward because they will be home while I have friends over. Oh fucking well. My house too. We will see what happens tomorrow, won't we?

I made myself liver and onions for dinner last night. Was actually quite tasty. I also taught during the day. Wow, what an emotionally and physically busy day I had for a goddamn Wednesday. I also managed to watch the first episode of Obi Wan. It was a long day.

I am hoping today is much less drama filled. I need to start packing for my trip. Just 1 week until my birthday for those keeping track.

ANA Y1 D33 - Edited

A breakthrough was had yesterday. Around noon yesterday B messaged me. I don't recall the original context of the message without looking it up, but it did turn into an actual conversation. The acknowledged that a lot has happened in the last few weeks, that these camping trips could have happened not back to back, that this one could have been shorter, and most importantly, that they haven't been balancing things as well as they could be. It didn't "fix" everything, but it was a step in the direction I needed to hear. That they are aware that I am not happy and there are things they could be doing to make that better. Plus they reminded me they have been off their meds for four days. Not something I agree with to be honest, but okay. We shall see how this weekend and next week go. Especially Friday since I am going out. How do they handle it? Let's see. 

As for me, I had a hair appointment in the morning to rebond and fix some itching I was having. Worked on some docs, played video games, and went to group. Group was fun. I am definitely becoming part of the cool kid club. I like that. I need it. Stayed out until about 10:30 and was home and in bed by 11:15.

Teach this morning, then nothing. Going to make liver tonight. Let's see how that turns out. I also want to clean out the fridge. Few more days and B is home, then I leave for NC. I need to pack on Saturday. 

EDIT:
Something just happened that I can't wait until tomorrow to discuss. I just broke up with my couple and cancelled my plans. I realized that they aren't what I am looking for and don't want to pretend. I am not into their whole pre-game vibe. I want to have sex, not party. I get that's how they have foreplay, but it's not for me. So yeah. Back to nothing I guess, but that's okay.

ANA Y1 D32

I felt like visiting B last night was a complete waste of time. Nothing bad happened. There was no arguments or fights, but there was also no excitement. It was flat. On both sides. I felt nothing seeing them. They were looking at a dating site at one point while I was sitting next to them. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't anything to be honest. There's no point in trying I feel. I will see how things go next week on my birthday. They know how important my birthday is to me. Let's see if I come home to a card, a present, etc. Let's see what kind of message I get on the actual day. Let's see if they plan a date on my birthday. 

I was talking with a mutual friend last night who also agrees that B is so hyper fixated on the new, they're forgetting the old. They're expecting us all to be here and waiting patiently for them to figure all this out and they're not seeing the collateral damage being left in the wake.

I'm no longer angry. Just resigned and tired. I've tried to be supportive, I've tried to be a partner, but for what? 

ANA Y1 D31

I can feel the weight lifting from my shoulders. Not all of it, but enough that I can stand up somewhat straight. The more demons I kill in my brain, the taller I can rise. For the first time in quite a few weeks, I actually slept solidly. Almost 7 hours. I woke up very briefly twice, but went right back to sleep. I am technically off today because of my fucked up schedule last week so I didn't feel the need to rush out of bed when I woke up at 4:30. Went back to sleep until 6:30. I fought my brain all day yesterday and for the most part, I won.

Didn't do a whole lot. Cleaned all the floors in the house. I swear, you think you live in a clean house and then you deep clean wood floors and it's like holy fuck, I live in a hovel. I mean not really but the amount of invisible dirt that gets trapped is awful. I feel much better about the floors both upstairs and down right now. I played video games, watched tv, went to the grocery store, went to the pet store. I also went out for the first time looking like me. Wait you say, what do you mean? There are certain places where I have been 'butching up' if you will. I try to look more androgynous than femme because I am still coming to terms with things. So the grocery store by myself is one of those places. Not anymore. I was clearly presenting as a woman when I went out yesterday. There was no question about my gender. That made me feel good. In the middle of the day, running boring errands, I was who I wanted to be. The same thing I chastised my date for saturday morning. I cannot be a hypocrite. Funny thing, I was in the grocery store and I saw a woman wearing the exact same shorts I was. They're a specific pair from target so I knew they were the same. I lightly touched her arm, pointed at our shorts, and we both had a laugh. It was a nice moment. All of these moments put together also help me when I question "is this the right thing", "am I ruining my life". Those moments dissipate with something as simple as a moment in a grocery store. It's fucking nice.

As for B, they had a fun day in the woods. I don't know what they did all day and that's okay. They're off enjoying themselves and having fun. They need the time and the rest. I did hear about some shit that went down though. It was so bad B called me, not messaged. Apparently B's mom and BF got into a huge physical fight and the girls were so scared the older one called the Dad. Cops, arrests, restraining orders, the whole nine yards. The girls are now at their dad's place and will probably not be going back to mom's for quite a while. The train has left the drama station. 

Got to take the dog to the vet today at 4:30, then heading to the campgrounds to drop her off with B. We are splitting duties which is nice because I need a break. I will hang out at the campgrounds for a few hours then come on home. Tomorrow is group, teach on Wednesday, nothing Thursday, then my couple on Friday. Next thing you know, it will be time for me to go to NC.

ANA Y1 D30

I have this new friend M. M and I went out last night. They are a friend, nothing more. But M and their wife have been in an ENM relationship for 2.5 years. Said relationship is currently falling apart. The more I talk with M and hear what their spouse is doing, I realize I am doing the same shit to B. Granted, we've been in this since May 16th and they've been in it since 2020. BUT if I don't start changing my behavior now, it's going to be the end. Let me give me you a perfect example. 

I am going to start out by telling you about my breakfast date. I drove 45 minutes and had the most incredible crepes ever. I ended up having two they were so good. Blueberry with goat cheese and honey and brie with raspberry jam and candied walnuts. I also got to see the MSU campus which I had not seen before. Oh, yeah the date, well. Once again they showed up in male presentation. Now, this time, there's a difference. We have been talking online for a while. They DO plan on transitioning. But finances, ex-wife, child, job, etc have derailed their plans. Okay, I get that. But here it is a Saturday, no obligations, I expect your ass to be looking as femme as me. The sad part is I can see the femme in them. But it wasn't on display. They tried to kiss me and I was like nope. Blocked. You look like a man. I don't like men. When you really start transitioning we can revisit things. Until then, I can only be your friend. Sorry. But it really is how I feel. I know what I like, I know what I am attracted to and that's that. Last night at the bar, I met two people who were like exactly what I am talking about. So I drove home, belly full, but a little disappointed.

It was on the drive home that my stupid brain started in and started to sabotage everything. It was almost 10am when I got home and I had yet to hear from B. Not that crazy, but enough to start the poke poke poke. For the record, I am doing it again this morning and am fighting every ounce of my body. See, in MY brain, the reason I hadn't heard from B is because CGF stayed the night and they were already off on some early morning post sex hiking trip. Yeah, that's where my brain goes. The same thing is happening this morning because I haven't heard from B even after sending them a message at 1:15am telling them I was going to bed. They haven't responded because they're too busy in my brain apparently having all night wild lesbian sex. It sounds so stupid when I say it out loud. Why didn't I hear from B at 1:15am? Probably because they were already asleep. And why haven't I heard from them yet this morning? Because they're asleep. Did they fall asleep after sex with CGF? Maybe and so what? If they did, it was on an air mattress in a tent which has a leak and is probably wet from the random rainstorm. It's not like they're fucking at the Ritz and room service is being delivered. So yeah brain, stop it. Yesterday I did finally hear from them around 1pm. Want to know what really happened? They woke up early in massive back pain, tried to eat some food, couldn't move, took an edible, grabbed an ice pack, and went back to sleep. Plain and simple. Occam's razor people. I'm coming up with these elaborate Rube Goldberg scenarios and it's really "back hurt, took edible, passed out". Motherfucker. So why didn't I hear from them when I got home? Because odds are the same fucking thing happened again. I can see them at midnight, still being in pain, taking something heavier this time and knocking their ass out cold. If CGF is in the mix, again, so what? It's not impacting me. They're not running away. I have to stop my shit or I will be like M's spouse and destroy my own marriage. No me gusta. I also was stalking social media so bad yesterday I ended up having to walk away from my computer. I cleaned the laundry room, cleaned the cat room, but in a new smart bulb in the basement, made steaks, in other words, distract the brain. Today I plan to do more of the same. I have to go to the pet store at 11, then the vape shop. Oh look, guess who just woke up and responded to me. At 7:30. Which means they went to sleep early. Again, if they did or did not by themselves, is of no consequence. They confirmed they fell asleep at midnight. 90 minutes before I even got into bed. What a shock.

As for me, I went out last night at about 9. Got to the bar at 9:30, stayed until 12:30. I had a great time. I needed to get out and socialize. I had two drinks, then switched to diet coke. It was more about the socializing than it was anything else. A friend from group was there and I got pulled into her circle. She is the queen of the ball and everyone flocks around her. I felt honored to be part of her inner circle. I miss having that kind of thing. When I was on cast, I was one of the cool kids. I felt that again last night. I was right in the eye of the storm and it was wonderful to watch the chaos and fawning around me. Power and control. It's glorious. I need to spend more time with them because they're the kind of person who will get me a friend group. Not a fuck group, but a friend group. I will see them again on Tuesday at group. I plan to continue my buddying up to them then.

And that brings up to speed. Wow. I haven't typed like this in a while. Ch-ch-ch-changes. Turn and face the strange...

ANA Y1 D29

The most important thing going on right now is Roe v Wade being overturned. All of my petty stupid shit is meaningless in the face of this. A fifty year old protection has been stripped away from women and brought this country one step closer to a theocracy. I am once more ashamed and disgusted to live here. I am truly at the point where I want to move somewhere else. This is flat out an atrocity. People need to pay for this. I will gladly join protests or riots that emerge from this. I will not stand idly by as things slip further and further away from sanity and into madness. 

In my own fragile little world, I love my therapist. Only there am I able to sort through all the feelings in my head and give words to the shit going on in my brain. For example, I am currently having 'passive suicidal ideation'. Neat, huh? It means while I am not actively trying to kill myself, if I got hit by a bus, meh. Plus we put words around the biggest issue I have with B right now. They're infatuated. It's not about just sex. Because it if it was, they wouldn't be bouncing back and forth so much on the emotional scale. Like last week where Wednesday was just a fucking mess. See, I think all the boundaries CGF has put in place are frustrating B because they have this infatuation and they can't do all the things they want. So last Tuesday when they came home after only 2 hours instead of being able to stay and talk and hang out was probably because of CGF's boundaries. Which led to a mopey teenage girl in my house on Wednesday. While at the time I was angry, after talking with my therapist, it changed from anger to more disbelief and annoyance. These are the kinds of the things she helps me work through.

So I taught, I went to therapy, I came home. I was supposed to see my couple but was way too tired. I had some tacos, watched Dr Strange (hated it), and went to bed. Did some laundry in there too. B left at around 9am because they had to get out. Fine, bye, go. Go have forest sex. Go spend the weekend tripping through the woods with your 12 yr old boy girlfriend. I care not as I have a date this morning for crepes for breakfast, followed by adventures in the club tonight. I was explicitly not invited to the campgrounds this weekend which indicates to me that CGF will be up there all weekend. Let's see what social media shows, shall we? But it is what it is. I have my own shit to do. 

One more thing, my therapist and I talked through divorce. What would it take for that not to happen. What do I need to really know B is in this still. We shall see if those things come to fruition. I am giving it until September. 

ANA Y1 D28

 Progressively better? Maybe the thought of getting away is making things better? Honestly I don't know, don't care? Not trying to be mean, I am just apathetic right now because I have my own issues. It also may be knowing they get to see CGF without constraints? It would not surprise me if she showed up tonight and spent the whole weekend, but you know what? What does that do to me? Nothing. I was supposed to go see my couple again tonight but I can't because I am too tired and in pain. So nope. I do have a breakfast date saturday morning, going out saturday night. I have shit of my own. Monday I am visiting the campsite and bringing the dog, Tuesday is my group, I will find shit the rest of the week.

Taught, ran errands, helped B pack, ate leftovers, went to bed.

Last day of teaching, therapy, alone time. 

ANA Y1 D27

 Yesterday was... ok? I guess? I don't know. I mean I taught, again. 3am - noon. Third day of that shit. After class B and I went and ran some errands but it never felt like they were present? They blamed it on being tired, but I don't know. It just felt like they were a million miles away and yes still able to have a thousand conversations on their phone. It's frustrating. We had dinner together, watched some TV, and then I went to bed. That was that.

Let's see if we have a repeat of it today. I should also mention, they have been getting off their meds. I have to wonder how much of all this is med related whether they think it is or not.

ANA Y1 D26

Ugh I am going off of about 3.5 hours sleep this morning. My own damn fault and I know it, but it was worth it. Got two new tattoos last night. Pics shortly. More important things to discuss.

Now, I don't know what to read into this next thing, but it certainly is interesting. B went off to CGF's last night. You all know the whole curfew debacle that happened the other night. Well, get this - guess who was home at 11:06pm last night. Which means that they left CGF's at 10:30. They didn't arrive there until 8. 2.5 hours. With an hour drive there and back. Hm. I asked them to be home by 1:30 when I was getting up. No earlier. So if it was for me, I would have expected midnight or 1. Not 11. Ok, here's some theories:

- B finally is getting over their need to have it be pitch black to have sex (or CGF has blackout curtains) and they literally went over there, had sex, and left?

- It didn't go well?

- CGF had to get up early so they had a romp and it was done?

- They didn't do it at all and just hung out?

If it's that they are being a call girl for CGF then I find that interesting personally. Because I wonder how B will detach themselves from any emotional connection. Or maybe it's just me that needs an emotional connection and driving for an hour was worth a quick romp? I don't know. Here's what I do know, I didn't have any anxiety last night, nor do I have any this morning. How quickly my brain can normalize things. 

As for me, I taught, left at noon for my appointment, left the shop at 8. So yeah, I didn't really do much except two large 8-9 hour tasks. A little driving in between, but that's it. As for my new ink, I LOVE this artist. Took me 3.5 years but I finally found an artist locally I like. She only charged me for 4.5 hours even though she did six hours of work. She is wonderful. She owns the shop, it was just us, and I felt like I've known her forever. Here they are in all their glory. Yes, one is exactly where you think it is and I had to edit this to be SFW. Sorry for the close up of my upper thigh.

ANA Y1 D25

When it rains, it fucking pours, doesn't it? First we had Sunday's drama of "I'm an adult and I can come home any time I want". Yeah yeah, do you, be disrespectful it's fine. I was also told that while they are camping next week they will have company. Good for you. And while I am in NC they will probably be out every night. Have fun. Live your fucking life. Don't care. Tonight's another sex night for them. Don't expect to see them all day today because I am busy. Whatever. 

No, the big news today is we took one of the cats in for what was supposed to be routine dental and instead we find out she has cancer of the jaw and has three months to live. Motherfucker. I tried to comfort my spouse but I know they will be looking for comfort tonight from CGF while they're fucking. Good times.

Teaching was rough yesterday and it won't be any fucking easier today. Two groups, 17 in each group. ALL over the world - Singapore, China, South Africa, Poland, Germany, UK, Spain, US, and some I can't remember. But literally ALL over the world. Some of them are good and engaging, some are not. Fine. 

I am so done with life right now. Want to walk out the door and never look back. New tattoo tonight. I probably won't sleep. Teach until noon, tattoo at 12:30, group at 7, drinks until 10. No reason to sleep for 2.5 hours. Just not worth it. Rock and fucking roll babies.

ANA Y1 D24 Bonus

  I hurt myself today

    To see if I still feel
    I focus on the pain
    The only thing that's real
    The needle tears a hole
    The old familiar sting
    Try to kill it all away
    But I remember everything
    
    What have I become?
    My sweetest friend
    Everyone I know
    Goes away in the end
    You could have it all
    My empire of dirt
    I will let you down
    I will make you hurt
    
    I wear this crown of shit
    Upon my liar's chair
    Full of broken thoughts
    I cannot repair
    Beneath the stains of time
    The feeling disappears
    You are someone else
    I am still right here
    
    What have I become?
    My sweetest friend
    Everyone I know
    Goes away in the end
    You could have it all
    My empire of dirt
    I will let you down
    I will make you hurt
    If I could start again
    A million miles away
    I would keep myself
    I would find a way

ANA Y1 D24

Fuck it's early.

Yesterday sucked. What else is new? I was fine until late in the afternoon B basically picked a fight by telling me they don't want a curfew. The difference between us is after midnight is the next day for me. For them it's when they wake up.

You know what? Fuck this. I am not going to rehash it all right now. Just not. I am done. I will bide my time, get through the next few days until I go away again. All I can do. Know this:

you might fuck me but chances are I'm gonna fuck you over.

ANA Y1 D23

Why do I get my best sleep when B isn't home? Correction, when they're not home AND I know they won't be home. Not they're not home and I lay awake in bed wondering what time they're going to traipse in smelling of the CGF. Different things. Knowing they're in a camper 150 miles away somehow makes it easier for me to sleep? Stupid, right? Because for all I know they could have found some cute campers next door, hooked up with one, and be in bed with them right now. Seriously unlikely, but not outside the realm of possibility. They are five minutes from a decent sized city. Great, now my mind is imagining all sorts of stupid scenarios. Gee, thanks brain. Stupid me. Point being, I slept for almost 6 hours, uninterrupted. Go figure. 

I had a decent day yesterday. A little lonely, but I was still riding high from Friday AND basking in the knowledge that we're doing it again this Friday. None of this 'how long will it be until the next time I get physical touch' bullshit. Nope. Friday 7pm, round 2. I mean shit, verbal therapy Friday mornings, physical therapy Friday nights? Yeah, I can live with that. 

Remember our friend we had dinner with on Wednesday? He's been kind of sick lately and the doctors were stumped as to what was wrong with him. They were waiting for some test results to come back. Turns out he went in for emergency surgery at 7am yesterday to have two heart valves fixed/replaced. Yep. At 30 years old. Another few days and he might have died. So when I think about shit like that, all this other stuff seems so minor and stupid in comparison. Who's having sex with who doesn't fucking matter if you're dead. We haven't heard anything back other than going in for surgery. Well, I haven't heard anything back. There was no news as of 9pm from B on it. 

Had a hair appointment. My god my girl can make me feel like a million bucks in just an hour. Walked out of there looking pretty and feeling good. Worth every penny. Got home and decided to take a nap. Catch up on some sleep. Then I did some house cleaning. Specifically I pulled everything out of my closet, rearranged stuff, fixed hangers, put it all back nice and organized. Long overdue project. By the time I was done it was nearly 5pm. Made myself some dinner, watched a little TV, and it was almost 8pm. I then made the decision I was not going out again. Nope. Stayed at home and played some video games and got in bed around 11pm. I needed a quiet night. 

Starting at 1:30am tomorrow I deal with the shittiest schedule ever. 3am to noon for five damn days straight. This is going to suck ass. Going to throw off my whole week. Oh well. It is what it is. I probably won't see much of B this week except in passing. Am I okay with that? I don't know. Mind games begin....Now!

Today I am going to go wash my truck in a little while, then come back and do nothing. Whee.

ANA Y1 D22

Oh the difference 24 hours makes.

First off, my morning improved by talking with my therapist. As it should if you're talking to your therapist, right? That is what you bloody pay them to do. But seriously, talking everything through with them gave me some good clarity. I was validated for how I felt the weekend went down, and we discussed that my mood yesterday had more to do with my subconscious than anything else. Fair.

Hey remember the person I spent Thursday with? I thought we had made a connection. Turns out I scared the ever loving shit out of them. They ended up sending me a message saying I was too intense and they blocked me. Wow. Ok, so yeah, that didn't help my morning mood much. I mean I get where they're coming from, but it still stung. 

One of the things we talked about in therapy was putting some perspective on the world. All of this (waves hands around) has only happened over a four week period. I have lived YEARS in a four week period. Most people would have cracked well before this. The fact that we're going strong even with the ups and downs, is a positive because It's Only Been Four Weeks. Perspective moment. There's that to consider.

B left for camping around 11, but due to R's incompetence, they didn't get on the road until 5:20. Yeah. B was already frustrated. They didn't get to the campsite until 9. Talk about a long day. As for me, and why I am in a better mood, I got some.

It's not the fact that I had sex last night that is making me happy. It's that I felt attractive and wanted. Watching B have way more success at all this is part of what's taken the toll on me mentally. Feeling like I was being left behind, the feelings of competition, all of that was taking its toll. So to have someone find me desirable, reframed things for me. The best part was they will probably become a regular partner. That makes all this so much easier to know I have somewhere to go, some place to be, and someone who can provide physical touch. It's what I desire. I have my mental and emotional connection at home, get my rocks off somewhere else. They only live 15 minutes from me, they have a nice house, in their 40s, no kids, and we vibe on a personal level. All good. It is a couple which was a little weird at first, but after things got going it was all good. Like really good. Orgasms all around kids. We hung out for like 2 or 3 hours getting to know each other, had some foreplay, and then a good hour and a half to two hours in the bedroom. I got home at 12:07, 8 minutes before our curfew. Even though B is out of town, I still respected the curfew. I wanted them to see that one partner being gone doesn't change anything. 

I managed to get a solid 4.5 hours sleep too. No dreams, no nothing. Just a good night. I am supposed to go to the club tonight, but to be honest, after being out until 12am three nights in this last week and staying up until that time and later most nights, I may bow out and stay home. I don't know yet. Maybe just go out for an hour or two. Enough to feel the vibe, feel wanted, come home. I have a hair appointment in 2 hours and need to go shower.

ANA Y1 D21

Well, it happened. My world didn't end, but it's not sitting too right either. I tried to sleep, got in 90 minutes and woke up from a horrible fucking dream featuring B and CGF and yeah, well, here we are at 3:27am. So that's that I guess. I don't know. I was with someone but we didn't have sex. We talked for like 4 hours straight. I used them as a therapist. Not very nice of me. They even made me dinner. I wish my regular therapist did that.

I didn't do shit during the day yesterday. Too stressed out. Left around 6. Got home a little after midnight. I tried to be an adult. Kept my anxiety and fears and all else hidden. Part of me may be out, but I guess the rest goes back into the cold dark depths of my mind.

Traffic sounds more and more appealing every day. 

Getting two new tattoos next week. At least I can control something in my life.

ANA Y1 D20

Well, tonight's the night. At roughly midnight tonight when my wife comes home smelling like sex, I will see if I am mature enough to handle this relationship or if they will find me dead on the floor or not home at all. Those are the three outcomes of this situation. Tonight at 8pm, they will head over to CGF's, have sex with a woman for the first time, and in theory come home to me. WTF is my life. I did in fact make plans of my own to make sure I am out of the house. I am leaving before them, will probably be home before them, but trying to minimize the amount of that time. If I get home at 11:45pm, it will be enough hopefully that I will only stress for 30 minutes. I HAVE to see that my world isn't going to end for this to work. I have to. They are still going camping this weekend which means I will have roughly 3 days alone to ponder the meaning of life or kill myself. It's a crap shoot right now.

In more boring things, I taught all day yesterday. Evals at end of class were 9.3 for me, 9.1 for the class. Acceptable. After teaching we went to dinner with a friend. That was enjoyable. It's a friend of B's who they recently reconnected with thanks to them getting divorced. Their spouse had made them give up all of their friends out of jealousy. That's who I never want to be. They're coming out of 8 years of being constantly told they were cheating, lying, etc. That's worse than the shit I am dealing with to be honest. That's X1 level gaslighting and manipulation. Unacceptable.

After dinner, we hung out for a while, friend left at 8, B and I talked for a while, I played some video games, got in bed by 10. Unfortunately I woke up at 11:30, 1:00, and 2. The longest block I got was 2-5. Good fucking times.

I have a goddamn meeting in an hour with some fucker in Singapore. Fuck.

Alright. Let's see how the next 24 hours go. I will miss you all if I can't handle it. You've all been good to me.

ANA Y1 D19

Man my life is such a clusterfuck. I am so tired of fighting and arguing. I'm the one doing it too. It's envy, plain and simple. I need to let it go. I have to resign myself to the fact that I have a roommate and nothing more. I looked up how to file yesterday. Three forms, no contest, no minor children. Yeah, I'm at that point.

Taught. Decent group. Apparently I'm not going fast enough for them. Okay, today you get faster. Ask and ye shall receive bitches.

Went to group. Ironically someone I matched with on an app is in my damn group. We ended up having a first date in group. I stayed out until 11, which wasn't long enough for lesbo over here to get their rocks off. Of course I picked a fight. It's what I do these days.

Tired. So fucking tired. I am letting go. Just let go...

ANA Y1 D18

What I wrote yesterday is really the crux of why I was having such a hard time. It wasn't the fact that B ended up having a makeout session. It wasn't that B had some under shirt time. No, it was that I gave up time with my kid to appease them, to let them mope in peace, only for them to go out at 9pm, stay out until midnight, and get their rocks off. I could have had at least a half a day more but instead I rushed to let them have their time. That's what pissed me off the most. I needed time to process what was really bugging me and there it is. 

Had my first date in 9 years last night. What the ever living fuck. I thought I was done dating. I thought I was past all this shit. There's the one stupid thing about ENM, having to fucking date again. It sucks. I left here at 4:50 and arrived at my destination at 6. That was issue number one. I am right back where I was when I dated in SoCal. Just because the app says your 20 miles away, it might take me an hour to reach you. Nope. No thanks. No way. Here, it's a combo of construction and traffic. Fucking sucked. The person I met was okay. Unfortunately there was no real spark between us. I would keep them as a friend but no more. The only upside was the mexican food we had. First REAL mexican food I've had since moving to MI. That made me happy at least. I got home around 9, did some stuff, went to bed at 10. Slept until 12:30, fell back to sleep at 2, woke up at 4:45. So for me, decent sleep. Yay. I do wonder if any of my new meds are causing the insomnia, but I think it's more the stress of my life. 

Meanwhile I B land, the drama continues. Tonight they are going to meet face to face with R. They are going to hash this out. Which means that B could end up going to CGF and finally have her girl sex. At least one of us is getting lucky. 

I teach all day the next two days. Have group tonight. Going to stay out after group for a while to just avoid being around B. I know I won't get home after them, but it will be less time for me to mope. I also changed my weekend plans. Going to a more age and gender appropriate club on Saturday now. I do so much better in person than on apps. Maybe find someone then. Still have the couple on Friday too. I hope that turns into something fun. Not sure still.

Or I could just go play in traffic and be done with it.

Ana Y1 D17

Drove home. B pouted. Left them alone. Did laundry. B went over to CGF at 8:30, came home at midnight. Had makeout session and under shirt boob feels. I am pissed because I gave up time with my kid for them to feel bad only for them to end up doing that. Whatever. Done. Don't care. Got 2 hours of fucking sleep once again.

This is all a fucking joke and I am the punchline.

ANA Y1 D16

The last thing I said in yesterday's post was it was going to be a quiet day. Oh my, how wrong I was.

We now return you to Teenage Lesbian Drama, your favorite show of three woman trying to navigate hooking up...

Basically the issue with R got worse. Like really worse. So bad that B is probably going to cancel their camping trip for this upcoming weekend. Why? Because they are afraid that R is going to try something. This it would appear is why R keeps saying B and CGF are moving too fast. They want their chance at the action before. It would seem that R is one of those "if I can't have them, no one can" kind of people. They need to sleep with all their friends to feel like they are in control? It's really unknown. R had dates Thurs, Fri, and Saturday. They don't need B. They also have some flame in TN. So why stand in B's way? We don't know. What I do know is all this drama caused B to be moody all day. Up, down, all around. It even got them pissed off enough that yesterday afternoon, we had sex. Yep. Middle of they day B looks at me as says, I'm horny and pissed off, want to have sex? Um, yeah. Do I look stupid? Of course I said yes. I knew what it was. It wasn't about me, it was about getting off and getting out some anger. Works for me. Seriously. Don't confuse it with love. This is business baby. I enjoyed it, B enjoyed it. All hail afternoon sex. Oh and B's plans are now 80% on hold. They have decided they're going out with me on Tuesday. Okie dokie. Lesbian bars, here we come.

Unfortunately the drama continued into the night. Especially when R started posting pics of them at Detroit Pride with yet, SOME OTHER GIRL. That didn't go over well to say the least. We did see the kid, had pizza, had a nice time. There's that at least. We are however heading home early. Shocker, right? Partially because of this drama, but also because the cat is shitting everywhere, the dog is sad, and we want to be home. 

Stay tuned for another episode of your favorite new show tomorrow!

ANA Y1 D15

Finally slept more than four hours. I got in 7 with only waking up once. That's a fucking miracle for me. Plus for the first time in a week, we didn't have an hour long discussion before bed. Just went to bed. Miracles continue. But let's back up shall we? Some new information was learned yesterday which, I don't want to say changes, but how about adds to the dynamic? Let's go with that.

Okay, so Thursday night was a clusterfuck, right? Right. Yelling, arguing, the first real fight about all this shit and the first real time I was considering this shit is over, get out. Went to bed mad, went to bed ready to burn the world.

Thank the gods for good therapists. Went to mine and got a whole lot of shit off my chest. Nothing was resolved or solved, but I did get a good catharsis from being able to just say everything on my mind. Side note - when I told my therapist who B is sleeping with on Tuesday they were like wtf? After all this and they go back to that?? Yep. The better part though was when I showed her a pic of B's crush and while they were trying to be professional, it was clear they also felt like what the heck is attractive about that. Oops. I get back home and I go over a few of things I discussed in therapy with B. The biggest being is I need them to double check themselves when they're doing shit and really really ask, I am prioritizing an external party over my partner or household's feeling. Because that's the crux of all this. Hopefully we made it past that hurdle. Maybe.

The real fun started last night though. All the way on the trip B was having a conversation with her friend. Not GF, but the friend who introduced them. We need a name to make this easier, so here's the players:

B - our main protagonist and future lesbian
R - the initial new friend, bisexual, stoner, lives in their own world
CGF - the crush, the soon to be girlfriend

Got it? Good.

Well, R is upset with B because she thinks B is moving too fast with CGF. Problem is, for B, their hookup on Tuesday is purely sexual. Like purely. There's no feels going on. This is like a doctor appointment where B is going to learn the ins and outs (all puns intended) of being with a female partner. It might go well, it might not. Who knows. Why you ask is R so upset? Here my gentle readers is the fun part. Turns out when B and R went camping a couple weeks back in May, R caught the feels for B. R came on to B, and was shut down. B truly has no interest in them. Which I understand, I wouldn't sleep with R either. Just not that good looking, okay? But R is now butthurt that B and CGF might be getting together and is trying to cockblock it. So Tuesday might not even happen now. Because if it does, it could ruin B and R's friendship. Oh the drama. THIS is why I told B to keep their mouth shut and find some strange. Avoid all the drama and feelings. 

Oh and wait, I forgot something. B forgot to give me two key pieces of information Thursday night. One, a family friend died and B was hurting. Two, CGF was at the hospital with one of their friend's and that's why they were running late on Thursday. If B had communicated those two pieces of information, I'd like to think I would have handled the whole curfew thing differently. Maybe.

Anyway, back to the drama. So, CGF doesn't want to hurt the friendship circle and now (well as of 10pm last night) is rethinking their hookup. It will probably still happen, but I am just finding all the drama crazy. Schoolgirl bullshit.

Me, I am over here making another date for Thursday, and a threesome for Friday. I am keeping my options open. I have a confirmed date Monday and Saturday. Let's see how the other two things shape up. I am interested in the threesome only to a slight degree. It would be a good time physically but am I interested in this couple. I don't know. It's a big scary move versus just a one on one. I've had threesomes, but only when I have been in the lead. Being sub is different. Who knows.

We are in Chicago. Seeing the kid tonight. Today is just a quiet day. Move at our own pace.

ANA Y1 D14

Oh look, another fucking night where I get 4 hours of sleep. Didn't go to bed until 1am. Why this time? Because B and I were up arguing AGAIN about time. They just want to play fast and loose with time and it's pissing me off. Everything THEY'VE been holding in came out last night. How hard this is for them. Well fuck you. Bed, made, lie. Stop trying to bend time to fit your needs when you've made commitments. If you say you're going to be home at a certain time, be fucking home. Stop letting your groin do all the thinking. I swear if they were a CIS male right now, I'd be saying you're thinking with the little head. Whatever. I'm done. I just need to figure out my next course of action.

Paid $5000 for a fucking vet bill yesterday. Yeah. That was fun.

Got my estradiol. Whoop de doo. It was overshadowed by my horny not for me spouse.

Had an ice cream date with a friend. That was nice. By again, overshadowed by queen fucks a lot.

No, I can't do this. Looks like I will be Ross Fucking Geller after all with three divorces. 

ANA Y1 D13

Well, I now know who my wife is having sex with next Tuesday (or possibly tonight). Three fucking guesses who it is. Why do I know? Because the not knowing was literally worse for me than the knowing. I kept making up all these fake scenarios in my head and told B all this and was like I just need to know so I can put a real face potentially to all this. Did you guess yet? You got it, the fucking crush. Turns out the crush WAS also interested but didn't want to piss me off or ruin anything between me and B. Is this better knowing? Yeah, actually it is. Because honestly now I can disassociate from it. I can just think "B is hanging out with so and so". Not "B is having sex with a stranger". Why possibly tonight and not just Tuesday? Because they are going over there tonight to talk through logistics for Tuesday and I fucking know they're going to get caught up in the moment and next thing you know, lesbian sex. I also had a talk last night that I have been thinking and trying to figure out what it is *I* am getting from this new arrangement. What purpose are they serving by being around? I don't benefit financially. I do benefit mostly emotionally by having someone here, but that emotional benefit is being outweighed by the emotional toll. I am NOT benefiting physically and that's a problem. So I need to process and think why the hell I am even keeping them around. That shut them up for a while. All of sudden their golden ticket might be taken away from them. Let's see what that does to the dynamic.

Taught again. Had mid-course evals. Class is running an 8.5, I am running a 9. I will take that. Better than when my coworker taught it. After class I had talk one with B where I found out about crush. That drained me and I ended up taking a nap. Made dinner after waking up and after dinner had conversation two about how I wasn't really feeling like my benefits were worth it. Like I said, I think they might realize the writing is on the wall. If I don't see any kind of benefit, this shit is over.

We did binge the remaining episodes of Stranger Things we had. I won't spoil anything, but I liked how episode 7 connected some dots. Went to bed around 11 but laid there stressed until 1, so once more 4 hours of sleep max. I woke up twice. Such fun. 

Today I teach, then a meeting and THEN, doc appointment. THAT I am excited about. HUGE step forward. Nervous, excited, scared. B is coming with me to the appointment for support. After however they're heading to crush. See how this fucks me up? My big day and they're going to get fucked. Lovely. Back and forth goes the brain, back and forth.

Hour by hour is all I can do.

ANA Y1 D12

Was up until 1am last night because B broke a boundary, didn't think they did, and we had to have a fucking talk about it. When someone says "I will be home by midnight" that to me means they are in the house BEFORE midnight. Not leaving their location at 11:58pm. Not arriving at 12:18am. That's after midnight in my book. Plus it all got very real last night because next Tuesday, B has their first girl date specifically with someone who is a true hookup. So next Tuesday my wife will be having sex with another person while I am barely making connections and will have had a single dinner date. Yes, yes, it sounds like I am making it a competition. Maybe I am. Maybe I am still unlearning 50 years of possessive patriarchy bullshit. Maybe I'm just not emotionally mature enough to handle this shit. Maybe I care more than I think. Either way, reality is hitting me square in the face and I don't fucking like it.

I had shit work day yesterday too. I had on my calendar teach 12-3. Well whoever put it in my calendar fucked up. It was 9-12. I was 16 minutes late starting class as a result. Class went well regardless, but I was stressed out at that.

I went to group and that was good. 5 of us went for drinks after and in a lot of ways I finally may have found "my people". People in a similar situation to mine. People in open relationships, people into kinky shit. People in transition. People lost. People who've been hurt. People who are seriously fucking confused about their role in the world. *I* managed to get home by 10:30, but you know, I fucking respect boundaries. 

Tonight is supposed to be an "us" night. Let's see if I have any interest in even doing that.

ANA Y1 D11

 For the first time in a number of days I am waking up without massive crippling anxiety. Why the difference? Hold on to your hats kids, this is going to be a radical answer - COMMUNICATION! WOO! Yeah, all kidding aside, B and I once again talked and talked. I had a breakdown yesterday morning. I was overwhelmed at once again seeing them on a dating app. I just finally let all the anxiety and stress of the last month come out and had the good cry I needed. Plain and simple. I let it all out. God did that help. Plus we talked more about just where each of us is at with this whole thing, who we've been talking to, what's on the immediate horizon, the fact that I have a date on the 13th, they have two potentials lined up as well, just all of it.

But what helped the most is my, yes my not B's, friend came over last night for a few hours. They are just having a bad time with their partner. The word divorce came up 8 times. She needed some support and we were there for her. But more importantly we learned A LOT of what works and doesn't work in these types of relationships. Basically we heard boundary after boundary being broken, double standards being used, control issues, etc. This gave us some more things to talk about. We did put a location app on our phones, we came up with codes for texts, we agreed on more specific boundaries for time, and started talking more about the potential partners. For me this was helpful. I don't need to know the sordid details, but I do need to know just general stuff. It makes the fake shit in my head go away when I know reality. Now sitting here typing this, the anxiety is starting to bubble, but I can control it. I know I can. I know the difference between reality and fantasy. This has got to work. So anything we need to do to make it work, we will. I just need to get over some things. Yesterday I took a lot of big steps towards that.

Plus I also came out to my CEO. I inadvertently have him recorded saying "no matter what, you will never lose your job here due to your gender". That was huge. Plus we are having a big in person thing in the fall and I will be arriving in my preferred state not a fake state. I think getting that out of the way also helped relieve some of my stress.

Today I teach from 12-3 and then am supposed to meet up with a friend for ice cream. If they flake, I am going to group instead. No matter what, I will be doing something tonight to get out of the house. B is going to their friend's for hang time and bonfire but should be home decent time. Time is something we talked about in depth yesterday. We saw from my friend that this was a huge boundary being broken. Friend would ask partner to stick to a midnight curfew but then partner would traipse in at 2 or 3am without being apologetic. When it was reversed and friend had a date, partner would grill them as to the EXACT minute they would be home. This led to me and B setting up codes for this sort of thing. Like if one of us says we will be home by 9, 9:30 comes and we're not home, send a text. If the response is "running late, should be home in an hour" plus any fruit or vegetable emoji, we know it's them and things are good. If there's no emoji, we call. Or if there is a different type of emoji we get in the car and find them. BUT we are still not allowed to be disrespectful and show up HOURS later or past a midnight curfew. Respect and boundaries, the two biggest things that damaged my friend's marriage. We will not make that mistake.

ANA Y1 D10

The anxiety is at its absolute worst in the middle of the night and early morning. It's when I wake up and they're not there. When the bed is empty and I am alone. That's when it kicks in and reality hits. It also hit last night when I was scrolling Her. Once again we were both online at the same time. But that I worked through. How? By reminding myself I AM DOING THE SAME THING. I am seeing them online because um duh, I'm right there. They're not being sneaky or hiding anything. We're both doing the same thing. They can see you too dummy. When my brain processes that it's like oh. yeah.

Yesterday was annoying in a lot of ways. The drunken pains were in my house. As promised though, I cut them no slack. I went about my day as if they were not there. I had shit to get done. Dishes, cleaning, etc. I went to home depot and bought a new weed whacker. Went to the pet store for litter. Got some cleaning done in the basement. They didn't get their asses out of bed until 1 fucking pm. B did send one of them a message later saying not cool. They were apologetic but it didn't change things for me. 

We did do our yard work. Things look much better outside. The last time the gardener was here he half assed and it pissed us off. If he couldn't get his mower around it, he left it. So we had giant swaths of tall grass still. Hence the weed whacker. It's much nicer now. But that was some physical labor for sure. Afterwards, we stuck to our plans and watched Stranger Things. With a break for dinner (ribs) we made it through 3 episodes. After we both took a video game break. I went to bed around 10 but they stayed up scrolling for dates. Hello anxiety.

But again, stop asshole. You are literally talking to someone in another window and making a date for the 18th. Seriously I am. So stop. You have a date on the 13th. You're not a model of virtue here. And a coffee date on the 17th. See? Stop.

ANA Y1 D9

I was up until 2 again, hence why this post is coming at 8am. But at least this time I managed to get some sleep. Six hours is better than 19 minutes. It was a very long day, I am upset at my wife for being too nice of a person, but hey, what else is new. 

I was up and just basically hanging out doing nothing until 9am when B finally got up. They wanted to know if I slept. I told them straight up no, and here's why: "when you got up to shower, you closed the door which caused the cats to immediately start banging on it, the dog started moving all over, and I was awake. Then though, you get back into bed, and you start in on the damn phone with the brightness turned up and it just kept me awake". That made them think about their actions and they apologized to me. I appreciated the apology but am more concerned it doesn't happen again. 

Around 12:30 we headed out to go to the Pride celebration in the nearby gay town. No, really. This city is considered the SF of MI. They have rainbow crosswalks normally not just in June. We got there at 12:55 which was perfect because the official stuff was from 1-8. Right on time. It's me, B, and the two friends of B. To summarize the day, we had fun. We met up with B's aunt and cousin, we saw B's other cousin and bf, we saw all the booths, we saw a couple of random people I know from group, we ate, we shopped, we had a good day. Around 5, both B and I were sunburnt, tired, and ready to go. The two friends were not. Our other friend had shown up, but they didn't get there until 3 and were not ready to leave. Fair. So the three of them decided to stay and uber back to our place where their car and stuff were waiting. 

B and I get home, no issues there, and take a quick one hour nap. We have some food and wait. Around 8 we get a message asking if a fire and chill was good. B responded with yes, if  you are headed back here soon. No problem. All good. Yeah right. The next time we heard from them was after midnight. I had decided at midnight I was going to bed no matter what. About 12:20 B hears from them. They are misspelling words, not making sense, etc. At 1:30 I am awoken by sounds so I watch the doorbell camera (which I got setup yesterday morning while I was doing nothing) and here they come, the two drunks. Not happy at all with them. They are in the guest room right now, but I am not showing them any kindness. They took advantage of B's liberal heart and that pisses me off. You're in my space, respect it. 

So we will see what happens today. B and I are supposed to have a quiet day with B's dad coming over to help us do some gutter and house work. On top of that, we were going to start Stranger Things. This is why I am pissed someone is here taking over our time. 

In other news, I made a real connection on an app last night. Someone who is an actual adult who was able to straight up tell me what they wanted, that they are looking for a sex partner only, what kind of sex they want, and what they will give in return. CIS female, 27. Perfect. Let's do this. We're going to meet for coffee next week, if we mesh, we will plan a sex day. Nothing more, nothing less. We do have to get a hotel because they are in the same position as me where they cannot have partners in the house. Fair. I am good with this. I also have a dinner date confirmed on the 13th with another transwoman. Welcome to my summer of fun bitches.

ANA Y1 D8

In theory I should be asleep right now. I haven't sleep all night. No, not true, I slept for about 15 minutes. Seriously. Why am I awake? So many reasons. But hey, we've got a whole fucking 24 hours to cover, don't we?

Was about around this same time yesterday. Went to the grocery. Two to be exact. Plus Home Depot for some drill bits. We got a new Nest doorbell but the only place to mount it is in the brick and I didn't have tips to drill through that. Doesn't matter, my Makita isn't strong enough anyway so now I am waiting for a new drill to arrive by 8am. Actually just checked and it's two stops away. Turned on the porch light for them. Anyway, after grocery store, did some work before therapy. Therapy went well. I got the signoff I needed to get my injection next week. That's positive. Worked through some shit which I guess sunk in? Maybe. Maybe not.

After therapy I worked. Like a lot. Had to sit through a meeting from 3-5 though. Most boring meeting ever. Literally. It was just drone and drone about shit I didn't care about. When that was done, I got ready for part one of the evening. We met my new friend, their spouse, and another friend for dinner. It was originally supposed to be a game night but that didn't work out because of timing. We didn't have the room or the time to play a game. But it was okay. The food was good, the company was good, and I feel like they could be good friends over time. They're closer to my age which was nice too.

After we left them, we came home and changed and hit the road at about 8:30. First stop was to pickup B crush. They had already been pre-gaming and were slightly buzzed. That just annoyed me. We then went to pick up other B friend who like fucking usual was running late. We were supposed to be at the club by 10, but no. Finally get to the club and B downs a double vodka. Courage? Who knows. The club itself was okay. Very much like going to the crib but a smaller midwest version. I looked good at least. B keeps drinking. I decide to go off an do my own thing and this pisses them off. Like what the fuck? I am trying to stay out of your way so we can both have some fun and meet people, but you don't want me disappearing? Ok. The whole time we were there it was just awkward. The friends kept getting drunker, I wasn't at all. I had one seltzer over the course of a 4 hour time period. B starts getting fucking mopey because no one hit on them but they also kept trying to be attached at the hip to the rest of us. Go fucking do you. I had been scoping the club the whole night and at some point, I realized it was an 18+ club and the majority of people were 18-20 straight white girls hanging on to one gay guy. Just no. It was 10x worse than the crib ever was. The music sucked ass upstairs. Downstairs was better but it was hot and stank of people. I got drink spilled on me too which just sucked.

Eventually around 2am I get them to all leave and the drunks are in the back, mope master 5000 is in the front. Get everyone dropped off, get home at 3, clean up, try to go to bed, but the moping hasn't stopped so their on their phone, tossing, turning, and I finally fell asleep at 3:30, only to be woken up at 3:49 because they decided to get up and take a shower. Fuck. Now I am awake. Lovely. 

So fuck it. Here it is Saturday. I have a guest in the guest room, a mopey spouse in the other. Just fucking shoot me now.

Oh wait, one positive thing I did do yesterday was start a new Insta to chronicle my transition. The kid suggested I take pics so they can see changes and I decided, fuck it, I will share with everyone. So yeah, that's out there now.

ANA Y1 D7

Yesterday was filled with ups and downs and everything in between. I had a lot of anxiety when I went to bed. I laid there for a good 30 minutes just breathing because I couldn't stop the anxiety. What was the anxiety from? My wife was still awake and in the other room doing stuff. What kind of stuff? Taking a shower and cutting their hair. If that sounds stupid that it caused me anxiety, you're right. It is stupid. See the real issue was that when they were done what were they doing? Who were they chatting with? What were they plotting? That's what my mind kept doing. They went to bed at 11:30, I went to bed at 10:30. A whole hour of devious actions! What? Huh? Yeah. Stupid right? Especially given not more than two hours before *I* was chatting with 3 different people. I was scrolling through matches on a dating site. So why is it okay for me but not them? Why do get to do it but they don't? The answer is I am being stupid. If, and that's an IF, they were doing something why is that any different than what I was doing earlier? I was literally doing the same thing. NEITHER of us is hiding it or being ashamed by it. The simple truth is once more issues with abandonment. Jealousy. Possessiveness. Well get it over dumbass.

On to more important things - I had my doctor appointment yesterday. Love the doctor's office. Love that they are on the cutting edge of transgender health care. They do not use some of the old drugs. Things like spiro which have HORRIBLE long term side effects aren't even considered there. For me, no pills, no patches, just a simple under skin injection. If my blood work comes back fine, next Thursday at 3:30 pm, I will get six tic tacs full of estradiol shot into my fatty ass tissue. I won't have to deal with meds for SIX to EIGHT months. I will have a daily pill for the first 9-12 months of bica, but I can handle that. One pill, once a day. Okay. Not a problem. Other than that, I just let it go. So yeah, this is happening.

I shared everything with the kid last night. She is 100% supportive of me and B. We talked for over an hour on the phone. Was really nice.

Grocery store, therapy, work, scrabble, club. BUSY fucking day and weekend ahead of us.

ANA Y1 D6

 B has been up all night. Why? Their crush rejected them and it's *PARTIALLY* my fault. I won't take full blame, but I will own the part that is mine. Here's the story:

Originally B was scheduled to go to bingo with 2 people, crush and crush friend. Well enroute to bingo crush friend cancels. SO once again b and crush are now on what appears to me to be a date. B messaged me to inform me of the change of plans and I said just that. I straight up said it looks suspicious to me that this is the second time crush made group plans only for the group to turn to two. Was that jealousy rearing it's head? Absofuckinglutely. So B is like do you want to hang out with us? I said yes, I don't want to sit home alone again while you two go out. Well this apparently flustered B so much they confessed to crush and well, got crushed. Not my fault they opened their mouth. It's really not. But the sting of being rejected hit them so hard they were crying all night like a fucking teenager. Here's what I shared with my friend about this:

here's the thing - yes, i was jealous of crush. because so far crush has been the only one that's made me feel like my spouse was putting me second. So yeah, I own my jealousy straight up. And yes, I was feeling excluded and left in the background again and it pissed me off. I keep telling B I don't know how I will feel about things until they happen. I have a shit ton of past trauma and abandonment issues I have to work through and it's not going to happen overnight. I suffered YEARS of this shit with other partners and that doesn't change in a week, sorry. BUT it's not my fault they got all flustered and opened their mouth. It's also not my fault that they felt this strongly about someone that it made them act like a fucking teenager. If they are serious about going down this kind of path, they have to learn to not make such emotional connections in my opinion.

My friend said it sounds like I am more mature about this stuff. My response:

I think I am trying better to be? But they also have less relationship experience and definitely less non-conventional experience. Besides me, most of their relationships were teenage kind of shit ya know? I think that's why they're hurting so much. This was their first time being rejected like this as an adult. Last night it was "i brought this on us and what for if I am only going to be rejected". It's like damn woman, if you're going to be like this every time a woman shuts you down, you're not ready to date women. They've actually never had a one night stand. They've never had sex with a stranger in a bar. They've had such a vanilla life that this is stinging more. Me, hell I've gone to anon sex parties. I've had multiple multiple partner encounters. I've had TWO one night stands in one night. Big diff in experience.

So yeah, there's some truth there. I may have past issues, but at least I have experienced more breakups, rejections, casual encounters, etc. I have learned not to get emotionally attached. THIS is where we're going to disconnect. I feel like they are going to keep getting emotionally attached to other people. It's why one of my boundaries was they should only have hookups at first because they need to learn to separate feelings. I am working on THREE hookups right now. After said hooks will I talk to these people? Probably not. I can separate all this.

On the other hand? I had a great time last night. No seriously. We went to putt putt and then had after snacks at a diner. I had a blast. I hate to say it, but I also felt like crush was hitting on me. Maybe to be nice? Don't know. But maybe it's because my kind of femme is more their type? Who knows. What I do know is this isn't going to work if B can't start learning to separate feelings. Plain and simple.

I have my doctor appointment today. Wish me luck.

ANA Y1 D5

I am home. My home. My bed. My pets. It feels good to be back here. The anxiety is lessened. Not gone mind you, just lessened. Being able to see B and being able to talk through things helps. My day was pretty uneventful to be honest. Got to the airport way too early, waited for security to open, boarded my flight to Seattle, waited in the lounge for 2 hours, boarded my flight home. However there were some interesting moments. I met someone new on one of the apps. We are going to have a dinner date as soon as our schedules allow. But the most interesting thing was coming across B on one of the apps. And you know what? It didn't bother me. We were chatting online while I was on my flight (yay on board Wi-Fi) and we both saw each other on the app. It was okay. The reason it was okay was because it made it less secret. It felt more like we were sharing this adventure and in it together. That's important. One of my bug issues is abandonment issues. To know we're still in this together. To treat it like an adventure we're both going on at the same time, made it hurt a hell of a lot less. I don't expect everyone to understand that. 

When I got off the plane, there B was to greet me. Again, important. I cannot feel like I have been abandoned. Yes, it's a reoccurring topic. I also need to do B the favor of not comparing them to X1. X1 lied, cheated, stole, hid, humiliated, and shamed me. For everything. I have been carrying that trauma around with me for 25 years. It has to stop. I have to stop using their behavior as the baseline for everyone else. Not everyone is out to get me. Not everyone is out to hurt me. We had many good talks last night including going over my boundary document. Not a thing I wrote in there was out of line for B. That made me feel good. Everything from no overnight stays to the rings stay on (one of theirs). We agreed on everything in the document. That's pretty good. We also mapped out the rest of the week on the calendar to make sure we both have time for ourselves and clear time for each other. Again, very important. Our time is marked and special. No one gets to take that away from us. As of right now, we had last night together, Thursday we're both going to dinner with a friend, Friday we're going to the club together, and Saturday we're spending the day together at Pride. Tonight? They're going to bingo with friends, one of whom is the crush. Okay. Go for it. Be home at a reasonable time. Another boundary. Anything after midnight is starting to hit disrespect territory. We also talked about safety and making sure we had a general idea where the other is at all times. So we talked. We have to keep talking for this to work. No lying, no hiding, no cheating. They did express a desire to get a job but not to secret money away. It's because they are frustrated that during the day everyone is busy. I get that. I am busy, their friends are busy, it's hard sitting around the house wanting to talk to people or do things. So might as well work part of the time. We also agreed if they get a job, they will start paying some of their bills. It's unfair that they get to make money and squirrel it away.

Speaking of squirrels, we also worked together on catching one  in the laundry room last night. Yeah, that was fun. The dog helped. We didn't get it but we think we hurt it. I am calling the exterminator today to end their reign of terror. Hopefully they can come out quick. 

Anyway, I am home. I am nervous and scared still. But I don't feel like I've lost my partner. That's what counts.