Y2 D35

Boring day, great night!

Spent the day at home just catching up on things. Back onsite today for the client, but was able to enjoy one last day at home before getting slammed. The only interesting thing that happened during the day was a random from the original, one and only, Miss J. I haven't heard from her in a while, so it was really nice to get a text out of the blue. She sent me a picture of a little flower blooming in a sidewalk and just a hello message. Extremely sweet. I miss her greatly. I would do anything for that woman and she knows it.

LO and I texted a little during the day, but nothing major. I think it's finally starting to wan. Only took a month. But she knows it's my birthday next week. Let's see if that ends up meaning anything. I doubt it, but without hope, what else do we have?

Did hear from my bosses about a couple of things which should relieve some stress in July. Just need to keep my fingers crossed on that issue.

And now the night...

My friend did another one of his Secret Cafe's. The last one was in the middle of May and I think we were still technically in year one of this journal. That means that some of you have no clue what I am talking about. I have a friend who is a chef and about once a month he hosts a dinner party at his or someone else's house where he cooks a 4 - 6 course dinner for all of us. Last night was at his house in the backyard. Sea Bass, onion rings, vegetables, oh my. Too much in too many different courses for me to wrap my head around right now. He had a stove failure at one point and things got a little hectic, but he managed to pull it off none the less. It was an incredible night. Brought the Kid and three of my friends which was great. Two of them are single guys, the other a single woman. The guys were in heaven as they are close to my age and here we were at a party of 20 somethings. They were all amazed that I know this group of people. Hey, can I help it if they find me annoying, I mean charming?

We were out until about midnight, but it was worth every moment. I have about 100 pictures to go through today while I wait for the client to actually be ready for me. This should prove to be a fun day as well...

Y2 D34

Freaking out again. Had another night of bad dreams. Back to two hour sleep chunks. First one I was walking around an office building and couldn't remember where my desk was. I had been moved seven times in two months in my dream and couldn't remember the last place they moved me. The whole time there were weird things going on in the office like some kind of strange party. In the second I was in some cafeteria trying to get food but the food wouldn't come. No matter what I ordered there was nothing. Don't know what my brain is saying, but it freaked me out.

Had a quiet day for the most part yesterday. Heard back from my bosses on a couple of financial issues. If I can just make it to the 9th without dying I should be ok. I should be able to get through the month. All I have to do is make it 10 days. 10 very long days. Can't leave the house, can't buy ANYTHING for the next 10 days. Makes it tough when you have a teenager in the house.

Speaking of which, she went off to the city by herself for the first time. Took the train and met a friend for lunch. She did great. Of course her mother had to chew her out with a lecture last night. About how she could have been meeting some pedophile who was going to rape and kill her. Because obviously I am so stupid I would let my Kid be in a situation like that. Poor kid was completely stressed out because of her fucking mother.

We had a long talk after that about owning your issues and how neither me nor her mother are her cross to bear. She is about to embark on her own life and can't be worrying about us. It's not her burden. She felt better but still can't stand when her mother does shit like that. I don't like it either. Drives me up a wall.

My client doesn't need me until tomorrow which means I was home yesterday and today again. This is not good. This is part of why I am stressing - no work = no money. Money. It's always about money isn't it? I think everyone right now in this wonderful country is dealing with the same stress of that one. Ok maybe not everyone, but the normal people that's for sure. I can't whine about it because there is no one who will listen as everyone has their own issues to contend with on that front. I am but one of many. I just wish I could figure out a way to get out of the fucking hole I am in. Just get my head above water for a while. This is where I have loathing for X2. She got away clean. Yes, I am back on that because it's what causes me the most stress.

Fuck it. Doesn't matter. I have a roof over our heads for one more month at least. I know that no matter what I am good for 30 - 40 days with that part of life. I don't need to eat. As long as the kid eats. And I will do anything to make sure she never knows hunger.

Y2 D33

I had my first dream about X2 in a long time last night. Not sure why or where it came from, but it was painful. Not in a miss her sort of way, but in a "goddamn it, my life is fucked up and yet she is smelling like a fucking rose" sort of way.

Not feeling very put together right now. I am stressing about a few things and there is nothing I can do about any of them without potentially causing bigger problems. I feel like I am in a whirlwind of shit and have to try and stand up against it all, but it's getting harder to do that. I am about to be in a very bad hole.

Yesterday was very quiet. I went and saw my grandmother and aunt who I haven't seen in about two years. No, we're not a very close family ok? The only reason I went over there is because she hasn't seen the kid in a couple of years either and it was the right thing to do. She is 80 something and I played nice. My head was still splitting from my absinthe binge and it was hard to act like I cared, but I managed. Came home, took a nap, then watched movies the rest of the day. Basically a normal Sunday for most people.

I don't know what to do right now. I feel very overwhelmed. I am just taking it day by day to see how everything comes together or continues to fall apart. It's all decaying around me so quickly.

Y2 D32

Absinthe is a motherfucker.

Just make note of that. Stay away from it boys and girls. Make you do really bad things. I am pretty black on most of last night from about 9 on. I made it home, barely.

Made too many drunk dials last night. Think I fucked things up in a couple of ways. But hey, welcome to my vortex of destruction. And N1 wonders why I broke up with her. Please. You don't want any of this. I am a goddamn whirlwind of evil. It all goes well until it stops going well. Then boom, it hurts.

Hi glad to meet you, let me ruin everything.

Punishment. Pain. Oh yeah. I deserve it all.

Was at an equestrian party yesterday. Yes you read that right. Not sure how I ended up there, but I did. They tried to introduce me to the right ones, but somehow I ended up with the wrong one. H. Hello Miss H. You are way too young for me, but I don't care. I am realizing your age group is the only group that can even come close to keeping up with me. Hell you went home before I did. Oh yes, after taking you to your car, I went back inside sweetheart. I think I got asked to leave at one point. Cest la vie.

I am paying the price this morning. Always pay the price but damn if it isn't fun for the moment. Life is about moments. Let's see where this one leads...

Y2 D31

And the truth shall set you free...

Three hours of new ink yesterday. Everyone thinks I am crazy. I did it because I had to do it. No regrets, no complaints. Other than pain. I am happy. It is important to me. Don't you get that? I can't keep living a lie. I have to be reminded every day to be truthful to myself. The hell with the rest of the world. I have to be honest to me. I did it for me. I don't care what you think or say. It's not for you.

That was pretty much how I spent my day. Getting scarred once more.

Not much else went on yesterday to be honest with you. We texted through the whole process. She was dubious about how it was going to turn out. But when it was done, even she liked it. I guess at this point I should give her a real name in here instead of just being "her". How about LO? Some of you might know what that means already. I have been casually referring to her as that already. If you don't, tough. It's now LO. I can't believe we are still in communication. I expected it to have faded already. For the shine to wear off, but yet here we are. Three weeks out and there is still something. Don't know what that something is, but we haven't ended anything yet. Hell, I still have the thank you & goodbye email sitting in my drafts folder that I wrote almost 2 weeks ago. But I haven't had to send it. Odd.

Watched a couple of movies yesterday. How To Train Your Dragon and Runaways. The first, outstanding. A great movie with a real story. I now know why everyone said you must see this movie. The other? Meh. It was less the story of the Runaways and more the breakdown of Cherie Curie and the lesbian antics of Joan Jett. I think Lita Ford had three lines the whole movie. Sandy West had even less. It was less of a documentary like I was expecting and more of a soft porn Skinemax Friday night. Sad.

Went to bed relatively early. Was in bed around 1. Had trouble sleeping obviously because of the new work, but not too much. I am getting close to being caught up on sleep. Which of course just means I will be ready to go another two weeks without any.

Today is once again house cleaning day. Time to organize, pay bills, pay rent, clean. Staying home today. Need to be cool for the next couple of days to see how all my bills play out. Still not 100% sure on how things are going to go with that.

My birthday is in 10 days. For the first time I am NOT excited. Sad.

And here, complete with blood:

Y2 D30

Been a month since I started this new blog. Amazing how time flies when you are going insane.

Spent the day in the city with the kid yesterday. We just bummed around. Didn't really do anything in particular. The weather was shit and we both froze our asses off, but it was still a fun time for all. I found a new hat. Yeah, because I need another one like I need a hole in the head. But it kept my head warm and I stopped freezing.

I also felt light hearted because of my decision to break up with N1. I felt relieved that I didn't have to worry about calling or checking in with anyone. I know that is a selfish feeling, but it was the right feeling for where I am right now.

Re-enabled my Match and eHarmony profiles yesterday too because of everything. Let's see if I get anything off of that. I also adjusted my "wants" on both sites. Lowered the age limit, changed some of the other criteria. Now that I have seen all sides, I know what it is I am looking for in a woman. I do promise I won't whine about being alone this time as it was my choice to do this.

We spent the whole day doing nothing. Took the train there and back. Didn't get home until almost 10pm. Tried to sleep, but found myself once again in a texting match with the other one. That went on until 2:30 again. She's killing me in the sense that I am staying up later and later just to have the thrill of talking with her. Maybe it's time I got a night job so I don't have to worry about being up in the daytime.

Speaking of jobs, my paycheck posted last night. I am worried now that I am a hybrid employee that my regular paycheck won't cover my monthly bills. I agreed to a certain number because I thought it would be enough to cover my monthly outgoing. I still need to see how things play out, but right now I am not sure it's going to be enough. I need just a few hundred more a month to be on the safe side and be able to handle the gap between paycheck and bonus check. If we had did a MONTHLY like I wanted instead of a quarterly, then I would be fine. I am going to play it out for one more pay period before I say anything.

These are the days I miss having a two income household, that's for sure. There is truth to two can live cheaper than one.

New ink today. 3pm. Pictures tomorrow.

Y2 D29

The one who strips your soul is the one who got away...

I did the right thing last night, yet I feel like I did something wrong. I ended it with N1 last night. I stressed and stressed all day for a 4 minute conversation. I just couldn't shake the feeling that I was not the right guy for her. She needed too much from a man that I couldn't give her. The bottom line was yesterday morning she texted me wanting to go to a party with her on Sunday. I knew this was going to be a meet my friends kind of party and I didn't want to fake it for just one more show. I had to move forward. I was going in circles. So I put an end to it. Let her find someone who can appreciate the attention and the love she has to give. I am too far gone to handle it. I am not that guy. I need to hurt. I decided I would be better off alone than living something false.

Inside, I am happy. I feel free. Free to not worry about compromising what I want or need. Of course this means I am back out there on the market. I still have my little infatuation. We were texting until 3am. That was something else I noticed yesterday. The one who is here and wants me? We traded four texts yesterday. The other one? 51. Small difference?

I did stick my head down the bottom of a bottle last night because of all this. I didn't know what else to do. It's my answer for pretty much everything. There's nothing better than a nice blinding numbness. Can't feel, can't think, can't stress.

It's cold and rainy this morning. A perfect fit to my mood.

Y2 D28

I added two new members to my family yesterday. Two bunnies. I didn't start out with a plan of getting two bunnies. Hell I didn't even start out with the plan of getting one bunny, but somehow by 5pm yesterday I had TWO bunnies in the house. The Kid and I have named them Neo and Morpheus. She has been after me for a while to get a bunny ever since the ones she had a few years back were brutally eaten by the dogs at her mother's house. X2 would never let us have any and I think in part this is one of those I did it because I could kind of things. Plus I can't ever say no or disappoint the Kid, you know that.

We started out the day pretty mellow. Lounged, did some work remote for one client, then we headed over to the animal shelter. We found one that we liked. I had to go back and check the rules of my building before committing and they treat rabbits like mice or rats. As long as it's in a cage, there is no additional deposit or monthly charge.

I had to take two conference calls. I believe I may have redeemed myself at least in the eyes of one important person at my office, but it's still an uphill battle to fully put the issues behind me. After that we went back to the shelter and when we went to get the rabbit they informed us that he was bonded with the other one in the cage. Sigh, fine, give me both.

Spent the rest of the day setting up a hutch, food, etc. The cat is curious but not pissed which is surprising me. I expected her to be freaking out but so far she is good with it. If the Kid fails in anyway to clean or care for these things? Dinner. Sorry. That's the rules.

Went and interviewed new artists last night around 8. Found one shop and guy I liked. On Friday at 3pm I go back under the needle. Pictures and details on Saturday. Today I am onsite again at a client.

Tonight I am going to the movies with N1. I need to let this play itself out. I have to stop railing against it so hard. We will see. And yes, she is still texting me. I wish I could get on a plane right now...

Y2 D27

Another good day. And not one of complacency or mediocrity either. I was able to strike a good balance yesterday. Did some good work for my client, talked to our head of training about what happened in Phoenix. He wasn't totally happy with me, but he could see how I was getting nailed on some things that weren't 100% my fault. That's all I could hope for in this case. That yes, I went off script and I crossed a line, but at the same time, there were some additional circumstances.

Had dinner with an old friend from my previous job. He has been flying back and forth doing some consulting work himself. As of last night, he landed a full time SVP gig back in town and doesn't have to do the travel thing anymore. Who knows, this might in the future prove a benefit to me.

Regardless, I am happy for him. He has small kids and a new wife and shouldn't be dealing with all the road travel. Doesn't suit him. He is a much more stable guy and needs to be home on a regular basis.

We went out and celebrated his new position as well as just being able to see each other. Had a good time and was home around 10. Unfortunately I couldn't sleep and at 1 started baking. Ended up making cheesy cornbread at 1am. Came out pretty damn good if I do say so myself.

Also picked up a check yesterday which helped things. I am now ok for a few weeks until I can see how my regular checks are going to stand up against my monthly outgoing. I may need to see about negotiating a slightly higher base over bonus. We will see how that goes.

The kid and I stayed up until she crashed around 2. I putzed around some more than slept from 3 until about 5. Then I started in doing some work for my other client. Still have some more to do, but at least I was able to get ahead of the game early this morning.

I am feeling better about some things, and worse about others. I still need to break up with N1 because I can't shake the feeling that I am bad for her. Our lifestyles and personalities just aren't meshing in so many different ways. Plus I feel like she wants to change me. I think she sees me as some charity case she can mold into a better man. I don't need to be a better man - I am a god already. :)

We are supposed to go to the movies on Wednesday. I will see how that goes. We have plans for next Tuesday that I promised her and I don't break promises. I will wait until after the event. In other news, my infatuation still won't die. We are over 400 texts as of 2am this morning. Scary. Why can't either of us let it go?

Y2 D26

Yesterday was Father's Day and I think it's the best one I have had in years. The Kid let me sleep until 10am which unto itself is amazing. We didn't go to bed until 2, but still for me to get 8 hours of sleep is unheard of these days. I don't think I slept straight, but I slept a good chunk of it.

She greeted me with two cards. The first one has a picture of a fat guy holding a giant fish and inside it says "I wanted to get you an appropriately sentimental card for Father's Day, but I just kept coming back to this one with the fat guy holding a fish." Nice. But it was the second one that really touched me. It says on the outside:

"There was a dad who had a daughter. Swung her, chased her, caught her, hugged her, loved her, praised her, taught her. Oh what happiness he brought her."

And on the inside:

"Happy Dad's Day from that daughter"

Made me cry.

Despite all my fucking up and self-centered, selfish, ugliness, she showed me that I am not a horrible person where it counts. That no matter what, there is one shining star in my life that I have not destroyed. I love my Kid more than anything else. Without her, I would have ended it a long time ago. But to know that at the very least, I have done right by her, keeps me going. It makes everything else feel so small and insignificant. She is the proudest and greatest thing in my life. And yesterday she showed me that I can do ok. That I am not completely useless. I thank her for that.

I made her waffles and bacon for breakfast as a thank you for the cards.

We went to the movies and I made her sit through Jonah Hex as payback for the bad movies she made me watch. It wasn't awful, just not great. Too much shoved into 90 minutes. Hard to follow and really feel anything for the characters. But not a "bad" movie.

We then did a full afternoon tea service. Sandwiches, cakes, the whole nine yards. Loved it.

We then came home, relaxed, and I went to bed early. All in all, a perfect father's day. Thank you daughter for that. I needed it.

Y2 D25

Had a fantastic day yesterday. FINALLY had a chance to put my house in order. Did bills, laundry, cleaned. My god how good it felt to be "homey" again. I need it I know it. I just need to find that balance between being insane and staying inside to recharge. Even I can only go so long before things slip and break.

I am recharged. I am back on some kind of a track. Not sure what that track is quite yet, but I am headed in a direction. A circle is a direction, right?

Made corned beef and cabbage in the slow cooker. Watched THREE movies with the Kid. Took a nice nap. Dyed her hair again an even brighter shade of red. She loves it.

We watched two really awful movies - Dreamland and The Evil Bong (no really, that's the name of it. It has Tommy Chong in it and was directed by Charles Band; what does that tell you??). Then we watched a really good, underrated movie - Repo Men with Jude Law and Forrest Whittaker. Fantastic freakin' movie. I highly recommend it.

Now? Now I am going to make waffles.

Y2 D24

So what do you know, this honesty thing might actually work. I had a very long talk with N1 one last night. We were supposed to go to the movies and meet at 7. Around 6 she sends me a text saying new ETA of 7:20. I got down to where we were supposed to meet and decided screw this, no movie, we need to talk. I sent her a text saying screw the movie, meet me at the bar of XXXX. She shows up at around 7:30 and I say let's talk.

I go into how I don't know if our lifestyles are going to really mesh over the long picture. I told her that she won't like my drinking. I told her that I am an arrogant conceited over-grown child and a label whore. I laid it all out on the line. I told her I wasn't going to stop smoking any time soon. Nor was I ever going to stop drinking. I also told her I have issues with people being late. I told her I doubted I was good boyfriend material. I was never going to stop being a flirt, the center of attention, or a smart ass. I told her I don't let my guard down because I just end up getting hurt. I told her I would probably hurt her.

All that and she still had dinner with me. All that and she is still willing to keep dating. Ok woman, don't say I didn't warn you sufficiently.

Almost went 24 hours without hearing from the other one. Almost. So damn close. Can't believe it's been two weeks. I swear if I could I would throw everything away right now, get on a plane, grab her, and go to France. Seriously. I know why I can't let it go. She is too much like X2. She is everything I had. Everything I was content with at one point. She is shallow, self-centered, tall, arrogant, independent, and a bitch in her own way. She is perfect for me. But just like X2, it's not sustainable. We would burn very bright together and then explode. Leaving more dead bodies, hurt people, and damage. I couldn't recover from a second time of that. Hell, I haven't fully recovered from the first time. I have this tattoo on me to remind me. I need to look at it today and really think through what the hell I am doing.

Talked to my boss (one of them) and like a child before the father asked for forgiveness. I received it. Thank you. Now I just need to rebuild their trust and show them it was a fuck-up nothing more nothing less.

Today I have to get my house in order. Literally.

Y2 D23

Youth is wasted on the... no wait fuck that, youth is just wasted...

OMG It's SO IMPORTANT THAT I TALK TO YOU... yeah then why didn't you call? Oh, I see, I have to text you the next day? So what was so goddamn important?? Oh don't worry about it, it was nothing. WTF? Motherfucker...

Spend 24 hours stressing about being a daddy again, or an STD, or that I ruined another life all for the let down of the century. People. Can't live with them, can't put more than one in your trunk at a time...

Had fun last night though regardless of the stress. Back in the groove at work. Feeling it. Still not sure the outcome of my fuck up from earlier this week, but just keeping my head down and being the good boy. Lay low and hope it all goes away.

Had a wine tasting party last night at my friend's restaurant. Again - fucking people. Wait let me back up...

Got home from work and made dinner for the kid - made a mac & cheese with olives, garlic, chevre, and penne. Made her a chocolate mousse from scratch. Made her help too. Got to get that kid in the mode of knowing how to cook for herself.

Side note - the worst commercials ever were those Carl's Jr ones where they showed the stupid guy putting an avocado in the blender and they had the tagline of "if it wasn't for us guys wouldn't eat". Bullshit. The majority of the great chefs in the world are MEN you fuck face...

Wow. I am smarmy today...

So made her mousse and then headed of to the wine tasting. I *HAD* 10 confirmed as of 5 or 6 for a 7pm event. I was the host and it was my name on the reservation. How many showed? 3. Three. Troi. Tres. Cocksuckers.

I am not going to be scheduling any more events if people can't bother to show.

Anyway, the THREE of us had a great time. Some good wine, great conversation, and just had fun. After there, I headed out with one of the servers and this cute lesbian couple. We ended up at another bar drinking this things called "voleiballs". Some vodka concoction. The server brought one of the other customers and I got to see how I look through other people's eyes. He was older than me, not by much, but enough, and she is 31. Ah. So that's what I look like when I am hitting on younger women... Got it. Have to admit, if he did go home with her? Way to go brother. This old man won't knock you.

Got in around midnight and decided to wake up the neighbors with some heavy metal guitar playing. Ok, I was once again drunk and it was mostly noise, but what the hell. Texted the little one at 1 something to say hi. Yeah, I know. Smitten. Infatuated. Need to let it die, but that's so fucking hard.

Passed out and ended up getting up late. Made it out of the house in sixteen minutes this morning. Rock and roll baby. Rule #743 - if you're gonna play, be ready to pay.

Tonight I am going to the movies with N1. Let's see how this goes. This may be the last time...

Y2 D22

OMG We so have to talk it's so important. Ok, call me right away. Waiting... Waiting... Huh. 17 hours. Must not have been THAT important...

Got back into the grind yesterday. Still not feeling 100% about things, but got back to work and kept my head under the radar. Just need to be patient and see what comes of everything. Very uneventful day compared to last Wednesday. Last Wednesday at this time I was coming out of a very serious alcohol coma and trying to look presentable for work. It was about this time that things went bad last week. Now here I am seven days later, back in my own space, back in the fresh slap of reality and I don't know which I liked better.

This is definitely more relaxed, sane, and safe. But do I want relaxed, sane, or safe? How much did I enjoy last Wednesday as compared to this Wednesday? LW I was almost in a bar fight, passed out in my clothing at 3, but had incredible company and felt like a free man. TW I felt like a complacent, mediocre schmuck sitting in traffic with all the other schumcks. Which is more real? Which is more what I want out of life? I am back to looking at both sides again. It's like I am on both sides of a mirror at the same time trying to figure out which is the reflection and which is the reality. Neither one is sustainable in the long term. One will kill me, the other makes me want to kill myself.

Is there a happy medium? Can one find a balance in life? Can one achieve and get what they want while still holding on to their sanity? Or is it all just a game like my friend says? And if so, who's keeping score?

Y2 D21

Ow. What was that? Oh the cold hard bitchslap of reality. I may have fucked up beyond repair this time. My antics and insanity may have cost me my job.

Seems that 4 of the 16 people in my class last week found me a little to eccentric and out there for their conservative tastes and decided to complain against me. The biggest complaint was the class moved too fast for them. I really don't think I should be held accountable for that though. I constantly was asking the class for feedback on the pace and made sure everyone was on the same page. They also were pissed that I let them out ahead of schedule each day. What?? Who complains about that?? But the way the comment was phrased is what fucked me - "He seems more interested in getting us out of here early to drink than teach us". Um, bullshit? I sat there every fucking day asking if anyone would like to stay later to work on issues. I was there BEFORE them every day to help anyone with questions. Oh and then I got slammed for texting during class. Yep I did. Because I was checking on my sister's status as she had major surgery while I was out there and was in the hospital. Best one? I took off my shoes at one point because my feet hurt. Five minutes, tops. Unprofessional? Fine. Whatever. The only thing I will take responsibility for is a few off hand comments that I made. Yeah, I will accept that. I read the room wrong and my personal life was where it shouldn't have been.

End result? The client bitched, we have to refund their money, I lose my job possibly. Best case? I have to repay the company the lost revenue for the class. Roughly $20 - 30k. Nice. Just one more fuck up by the master.

The weird thing? I was so low in the morning but guess how the night ended? In the second row of an Eddie Money concert with my daughter wearing Eddie Money's sunglasses. Don't ask. I don't get it either. I don't know whether to laugh, cry, or just pull the fucking trigger.

I am going to lay low for a few days. Let this burn down and see what happens. I may be homeless soon...

Y2 D20

Everything is grey today. Me, the weather, everything. Enjoyed the high one last time yesterday. Make some decisions, good and bad, that will determine how things end up for me moving forward. The euphoria is over. You can never sustain the high can you?

Took the Kid shopping yesterday to start the summer off right. Got some stuff for myself as well. Got some stuff for other people. Is it ever possible to keep the feeling? I doubt it seriously. You just have to accept that this will be how it is if you choose this path. The ups and downs of decisions.

Back in my own space and it doesn't feel comfortable. Feels constricting and limiting. Feels small. Everything feels small today. Feels like I am being pushed upon on all sides. One more day would make me feel good. But I think it's done. And I think the other is done. I will handle that on Friday. End that and make a clean break.

I only ever have to wake up to myself. I never have to accept what I don't want to accept. I don't have to do what they tell me to do if I don't want to. I am free to make my own decisions, destroy myself in anyway I want to, and sift through the ashes later. The Phoenix burns bright, lives short, but rises again to repeat the cycle all over. Very painful cycle but oh those glorious moments where you burn so bright that god himself can't look at you directly. I will take the moments. Seek them out. Hold them and they slip through the grasp. Stories. It's all about stories. It's all about finding the right moment and holding on to it. I have stories right now that will last me through the end of the year. Make more. See more. Do more.

Can't focus right now. Feeling caged at this moment. Need to breathe a little before I take to the streets screaming.

Y2 D19

Thank the Gods I finally slept. Eight hours of tossing and turning and waking up every two, but I slept. I almost feel human. As human as someone like me can ever get.

Grabbed the Kid early in the morning yesterday and headed back to the old town. Mixed emotions on that. We saw everyone. Some of them I was glad to see, others were still the same back stabbing low life, chickenshit assholes they have always been.

For the record, you might think you are as cool as me, but you will never be as cool as me. You think you are hot, but you have nothing. You may now be the big fish in the little pond with this old man gone, but I will always be better than you. I am a big fish no matter WHAT SIZE pond motherfucker. Never forget that.

Coming back just made it clear why I had to leave. Felt too much like the novelty of the moment once more. There were a few honest moments and to those people I am grateful. They made me feel welcome without making me feel like an idiot.

And to one person in particular, thank you. It is ok to be smitten, isn't it? There's nothing wrong with that.

Stayed at a hotel because no one could seem to open their doors to us even though I have opened more than doors for many of them. You know what, it is what it is.

We texted more yesterday. Now I need to sit on it. Let it burn. Let it naturally do what it should do. It will burn and fade as is the way of the world. I can try to push it, to hold on to it, but should I? I might try once, maybe twice. But we shall what happens...

Off to enjoy one more vacation day.

Y2 D18

Made it "home". 8 hours. First class flight. Chatty kid from Alaska next to me the whole way. Thanks kid, still haven't slept. It's going to catch up to me at some point isn't it? Need some heavy duty external stimulants to stay awake. $100 worth should do it. That would keep me at least another 24 hours.

She picked me up at the airport. Stirring? Maybe? Comparing it to what I just had? Of course. Comparison in her favor? Unfortunately no. But...

Received random texts while waiting for flight. Very nice to not be forgotten. Don't think it's sustainable though. Too much going against it, but what a ride it would be. You must be at least this tall to ride this? How sane do you have to be? That's always the bigger question. I wonder if I will experience micro-naps soon. How much sleep do you have to miss before you micro-nap? I just need the sun to start to rise and I will be fine.

Went back to my place. Felt claustrophobic. That's probably not a positive sign. How do I deal with it right now? Do I just let things play out or do I push it one way or the other? I think it might be time to embrace what I really want. 4 hours spent together and I kept listening for my phone for another random text. But slowly I was able to be in the moment to see if it was the moment I wanted. I don't think it is. I think I am going to use the next few days to decide how to say that.

I need to be alive. I need to not compromise any more. I need to go with what truly makes me happy.

I like this time of the morning. Everything feels possible right before the dawn. A clean slate. Maybe that's why I don't sleep like normal people. If you never sleep, then you are never ending the events of the previous day. You never have to start over. It just becomes one long continuos nightmare/dream. If it ends, does that mean it actually happened? So few people ever see this time of day. They miss out on that moment of feeling like it's all there for the taking. It's the moment right before everything slips through your grasp.

Couldn't sit still the whole time she was there. She wasn't understanding that she was invading my space after a long trip. I don't "sit" after things like that. I need to keep the momentum going. Need to DO not SIT. Ugh. Too much still spinning through my head. 4 hours of one followed by a drive to get the Kid with four hours of texting to the other. Not instigated by me either. There's a fucking first...

Y2 D17

You see?? This is when I finally feel good. I feel free. I feel me. You can’t take that away from me. Ever. No.

Some will die in hot pursuit while sifting through my ashes...

It’s always the same isn’t it? The star that burns the brightest dies the quickest? Can’t keep it up forever. I try, but they always find something. I am the novelty of the moment. The joke. The amusement. The whispered laughter when I leave the room. But I set myself up for it too right? Rockstar. Superstar. Porno Star. Superfuck. But I don't care. I AM ALIVE.


What do I expect? No expectations any more. Hurts too much. It all hurts. I should know that by now. Doomed to forever repeat the sins of the past.

I passed a building yesterday that was desolate, decrepit, with no windows. It had “WELCOME TO CENTER” painted across it. What does that mean? No other markings, just those words. I wanted to go in it so bad just because.

Where is center? Attainable? Not for me. It’s either high or low. There is no balance. There is no release. There is no exit.

I have to go “home” now. Home. What a joke of a word. I don’t have a home. I have a place for my “stuff”. I belong nowhere. I don’t fit in anywhere.

I have to see her and see if I feel. Can I fake it for one more show? Will I feel? Can I ever feel? There is no exaggeration, just the truth. I want that tattooed on me – VERITAS. Truth. It might be all I have left. I want to feel, trust me. The last time I did I had my heart ripped from my chest, shoved in my face, and then stomped on. Why should I let that happen again? Easier to shut down, wear my mask and hide in the corner when the lights go down

I feed off other people’s happiness even to my own detriment. I let them leech it from me without regard to what it does to me. If they are smiling then I have done well. I must have the approval. But when I do that, I bleed a little more on the inside. Soon there may be nothing left to give. I went cold in these last few months. More so than anyone realizes.

So I will go home and I will see. See if I have anything left to give. I will draw on some reserve and smile like it’s the greatest moment of my life. She will feel like the most important person in the world. I will feed off that and find some energy. Then later, when I am driving to get the Kid, I will slip back inside where I don’t have to lie or pretend. Where I can be alone with myself and then I will pick up the Kid and have to start all over. Back to full throttle. Back to being the bright light.

But I had the moment again. I felt it. I held it in my arms. And then it slipped through my grasp. This time, I let it slip, but it still slipped.

It’s better to burn out than fade away.

Y2 D16

Coughing up blood this morning. Too much of it. Not good. Have to figure out why. Lie to a doctor… again…

Six hours of sleep total since Saturday. Most of that drunken crashes. Ending with the scream of an alarm in my ears.

You don’t understand. You never will. You don’t know what it’s like being inside here. It’s not fun. I can fight or embrace. Still not sure which yet…

My time here is up. And like always I fucked it all up in the end. I always do…

everyone i know goes away, in the end

There it is. You can have it all; the entire empire of dirt. I made you hurt because it’s what I do. I don’t know how to not be selfish, arrogant, manipulative. I am not a good person despite what you think. I wear my mask and say my lines but in the end… in the end…

Why? Why did I have to fuck this one up this time? I was on a roll. And you wonder why I don’t think I deserve to be happy? I know it’s not my fate in life. I can pretend. I will go home tomorrow and I will pretend. I will act like I care but inside I will be screaming.
Always screaming.

I will frame this picture. I will look at it and remember. I will go to Paris again and find this spot and think about what it means. I will wonder why I had to fuck things up like I always do. Or will I? Will I once again just ignore the fact that I should be making other decisions? That I should try to embrace the good? What did I get in the end this time?

Nothing (everything?).

I got what I deserved. I always do.

The text was enough. Enough to know. It will keep me.

When i get home, she will think I am happy. They always think I am happy. And I will go along with it until I fuck it up. Have to. Can’t let them in. Can’t reveal a goddamn thing. Ever. Then she will see and once more it will be the way it is.

And don’t think you get what I am talking about. Or whom I am talking about. Or to whom I am talking. It might be you. It might be someone else. It might be myself.

The shame is I do most of the things everyone thinks I do, wish I did some of the things that are rumored, and let you all believe I do the rest.

Why? Is my ego that hungry? What kind of monster am I on the inside? I could lie to angels and con the devil himself of his soul…

Yet…

I can’t find the light inside any more. Not for real.

Time to go.

Y2 D15

That is NOT how this ends. No. Sorry, unacceptable. Must make up for this.

Y2 D14

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Y2 D13

I never thought I would say this, but after almost 400 posts, I am not sure anymore how I feel about my life being public. Odd, huh? Me the one with the need to be in the center of attention. The one with the ego issues. The one who doesn't exist unless everyone is paying attention to him... We have to see how this goes in the next few days. Maybe I am just tired. Maybe I am just tired of everyone judging and offering their opinions on what is the "right" thing for me. Maybe I don't give a fuck anymore about anything.

I have Pepper stuck in my head this morning:

I don't mind the sun sometimes the images it shows
I can taste you on my lips and smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and sugar and softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look through other people's eyes

That last part especially. I don't know how I look. Old? Desperate? Stupid? Idiotic? Gone? Lost? Afraid? Coward? Martyr?

Who cares.

Here's yesterday. Deal with it.

- Worked
- Hotel
- Broke up with T1
- Dinner
- No sleep

Everything else is irrelevant.

Why do I do the things I do? Self punishment? Desire to never be happy unless I am miserable? The fear that I don't deserve to be happy? The feeling that I feel I am compromising and instead of admitting it to myself I sabotage myself?

Fuck it.

Y2 D12

So did nothing yesterday. Came back to the hotel from my "adventure" and proceeded to slip into a coma. Need to try and get my body back to some state of humanity. Succeeded. Took a while, a big bowl of chili with jalapenos and lots of cheese didn't hurt either. Three hour nap during the day followed that.

Talked to N1 a few times yesterday. I can't wait to get home and actually see her to see how all this is going to play out. We have had a great time talking on the phone this last week, but it's no substitute for face to face communication. Need to know that all this closeness we have experienced on the phone translates to the same thing when we are together after a week.

I need to break up with T1. I think I am going to do that tonight. It will be hard, but it needs to be done. I haven't responded to her in a week and she has sent two texts and an email. I feel like a bit of a jerk at this point, but...

I also got some very mixed reactions on things that happened on Saturday night. I don't know how I feel about that. On one hand, I feel that what I do is my business and I shouldn't have to take any crap from people, on the other I am not sure I understand what I actually did wrong. Maybe that's the problem. I always think I am doing the right thing but somehow it never seems to look that way to the rest of the world.

Maybe I am not fit for human interaction. I worry about this. I worry that I am going to hurt everyone I come in contact with at some point because I am too selfish, self-centered, scared, immature, whatever. Maybe I should be alone. At least then no one can ever be disappointed in me again. Even when I think I am doing the right thing. At least then the only person I have to answer to in the morning is me. I can be happy in my head. The last year has proven that. I will let you down. I will make you hurt.

Y2 D11

I am so going to hell for this one... it was a shameless use of charm...

Woke up this morning in a different hotel than mine, a Jerobaum champagne bottle, empty of course, the wine list from Cowboy Ciao, and... well... use your imagination. No, I didn't do what you think I did. I am not going to say I didn't think about it, but I didn't. Never forget, I am the nice fucking guy...

I checked into the hotel somewhere around 2am because I knew driving would not be a good idea. That was after the Jerobaum, two bottles of Moet, a dozen Campari and sodas...

I am still piecing together most of the night, but I know there were at least a half dozen women who used my name to get behind the velvet ropes at the party last night. I was on a white leather couch poolside behind my own velvet ropes.

The morning? Uneventful. Ran around checking out different areas, explored Arizona, bitched to everyone and anyone about it being 109 degrees. Yeah, 109. What the fuck is up with that??

Got ready and headed over to the restaurant to prep for the party. Ended up chatting up these five (FIVE) women. It was at that point I decided to open the Jerobaum. It was inexpensive, but so much fun to have on the counter in a tub. We went through that (which is four bottles worth by the way), and then I piled them all into cabs and we went to the party. I had to on my arm and three more behind me when I got there. Three of them were married by the way. It was all about looks. I looked like somebody. We got to the velvet rope and there was my name on the list and oh look, there was my seating area. Oh yeah. I ordered two bottles of Moet for the group which was served with sparklers no less. That's when the fun started. The bank refused my card. I was freaked. Turns out it was a fraud hold. Fine. Don't fucking embarrass me like that. Got it resolved. At that point I started walking the party. Checking out everything and everyone. My buddy who was painting I ended up hanging with him and the model for a while. I could tell I was starting to slur and trip so I headed back to my seating area. By around 1 or so everyone had bailed except me. I was all alone in my seating area. I saw this couple walk by and I was like "Hey, you two. Sit down". I could tell they were trying to figure out where to sit but didn't know. She didn't look comfortable with him either. Looked like a bad scene which is why I got involved. Half an hour later, he is walking away pissed, she is sitting next to me.

There you have it. Nice guy that I am. So fuck you. Don't think I did what you think I did. I got her out of a bad situation. She was happy. She was also drunk. THAT'S why she was there in the morning. I slept on the fucking floor. Happy? She was drunk, I was drunk, and I was a nice guy. Nothing more nothing less. What did I get out of it? A hug. A kiss. Yeah, that's it. I felt like a big man walking out of the hotel this morning, but...

Come on. Do you really think I am that big of a dickhead? Seriously.

Anyway, it was a fun night. I bought the painting my buddy did. Him and I will figure out this week how to get it to me. I am hanging it right on the wall in my front room as a reminder of the night. He told me that he normally sells them on the spot for $3000 - $5000. He gave it to me for $800. Yep. Nice. I talked to N1 last night too while at the party. She loved that I was having a good time and that I was not planning on driving. She was at a friend's place drinking tequila around midnight so we both were having our fun. That made me feel less guilty about being a playboy. Funny though, I told her about the woman using my name to get in. She said she loved it that I was having fun being the "player". Me too.

I just got back to my normal hotel. I need sleep. Bad. My back is killing me from sleeping on the floor.

Y2 D10

I'm getting there, I'm getting there. It's Saturday dammit, I can take my time.

With the exception of one piece of harsh news, yesterday was an awesome day. The harsh news? My Kid has a tumor in her back. Now before you freak out like I did, it's a benign fatty tumor and the doctors aren't worried about anything. They do want to cut it out in the few weeks, but it's weeks, not days or hours. Still it's kind of fucked up that my poor kid has to deal with this. She has had this lump on her back for a couple years now and it was pretty tiny. She showed it to me before and said it didn't hurt but I took her to the doctor anyway. The doctor said it was nothing, probably a muscle mass and not to worry about it. It's never hurt her or grown bigger, until recently. The other day it was hurting a little bit and she looked at it; to her it looked bigger which is what prompted this new doctor trip. We are waiting for the surgeon to call to setup the appointment. We will then find out if it is going to be a quick thing or not.

My sister is home from the hospital. She had surgery on her back Thursday and is recovering well. She had some shit going on in there that was pinching things causing her problems. I won't go into details, but this has been bugging her for a while and they finally figured out what was causing the problem and decided to operate. When I spoke with her last night she was high on the oxy feeling no pain. You go Sis. :)

Alright, now that those things are out of the way, let's dive into the day. In the morning I meandered around until about 9 then headed out to find a Target or similar to get some sunscreen, body wash, etc. Just odds and ends. Found that, took care of those things then went downtown. All week I have noticed a Gentlemen's Store in the strip mall attached to my client. I decided I wanted to check out their stuff. Got there around 10 only to find none of the stores open until 11. Ugh. Decided to walk around downtown Phoenix. Yeah, that lasted about 20 minutes before I started to melt. I could literally feel the backs of my legs shriveling under the sun. So I did what I do best -- I found a Catholic church, took out my phone, and typed "pub" in the GPS. Voila, one block over. Seamus McSomething or other. Irish breakfast time. It was about 10:40 am and of course the Irish pub was open. Bushmills on the rocks please...

Sipped that until it was time to head back to the shops. I went in and got four great shirts for under $200. This is awesome since the original regular prices for all four would have been about $750. That's MSRP of course, but still, even if they were normally $400 for all four, I did really well. Best part is I ended up meeting the owner of the store and we talked for like an hour. She even offered to steam one of the new shirts as I wanted to wear it then. As we talked I asked her where I should buy N1 jewelry since I didn't want to get ripped off. She totally took care of me. Turns out the shop just moved from Scottsdale and she knew all the jewelry people. She gave me a name and an address. Done and done.

Headed into Scottsdale and asked for this dude. He turned me on to this coral piece with a silver and copper cross. Perfect. Sticker? $350. For me? $200 out the door. Booyah. I then headed back to the hotel, slept a little, and headed out to explore. Ended up in Tempe. Found this marketplace mall with restaurants, shops, etc. Got turned on to a place called LoLo's Chicken and Waffles. You KNOW I am going there for lunch today. They are about 5 miles from hotel and I will be there shortly baby. Some chicken and waffles. Oh yeah.

Spent another 2.5 hours on the phone with N1 last night. We discussed some serious things like exes and sex. We have agreed to both go check a checkup before we sleep together. That's pretty damn responsible. I should be clean -- check that -- I BETTER be clean, but I thought it interesting she wanted us to do that. A little intense for me, but I understand where she is coming from. Honestly if that's the only request she ever makes of me that is serious like that, whatever. I can deal.

I did ask some friends for advice on T1 last night. I think I will call her today or tomorrow and gently break up with her. I am usually the dumpee, not the dumper and this is going to be tricky. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but...

Slept moderately well. Back is starting to hurt a little bit. Bed's too soft.

Off to get ready so I can go have chicken and waffles beeyatches. :p Tonight is the party at the W. Looking forward to that...

Y2 D9

And this boys and girls is why Daddy brings advil with him when he travels. My freaking head... Is it still attached?? Or is it over there with my clothes...

Had a wild time last night as you might be imagining but let's start with the day. Everything in its own time...

Went to leave for work in the morning and when I got in the car, right across the windshield was a giant crack. All the way from the very edge of the window straight across right at vision level. Nice... Luckily I am less than two miles away from the car rental facility and was able to get there without incident. They even upgraded me for my inconvenience. Now let's see if they try to BILL me for it. That's another story. I used to just put it on my Amex which covered things like this, but oh wait, we all know HOW THAT ended don't we kids?

Off to work to teach. Good class. We managed to get through everything by around 3pm. Plus I got all the stuff ready for next week meaning I have today off to do nothing. I asked the class where I should go nearby for "real" food - aka non-chain, worthy of a food snob food. One woman suggested this place called Cowboy Caio. She said it would be right up my alley. Ok. I will check it out. I also asked them where there was a "real" mall as I needed to get some shorts. Same woman, go here there's a Neiman Marcus. Wow, this woman read me way too quickly. :) Both of those are right next to each other in Scottsdale so I went off on a dashing bold adventure. I also needed to know how hard it was getting to Scottsdale in prep for Saturday.

Found the Neiman and got a pair of Theory shorts on sale. Nice dressy but casual shorts. I will look good by the pool today. :) I had the sales guy call Concierge to tell me how to get to the restaurant. Why? Because it's Neiman and you can pull shit like that. Turns out it was *almost* walking distance from there. Perfect.

Got over to where the restaurant is and it's in a little mini-mall tourist trap. Back up, reverse, hold on -- forgot to mention that during the day N1 texted me letting me know my package had arrived. I was very excited about getting back to the hotel at some point to see what said package had in it. I bring it up because she texted me again while I was getting the shorts and I had to tell her to hold on.

Once I got back in the car, I called her back. I was such a little butthead. I walked around the shopping area where the restaurant is looking at jewelry for her, while she was on the phone. I was teasing her like crazy. But we were both having a good laugh out of it. It was all done in fun and jest. Went off to dinner. Went in, sat all the way at the very end of the bar, introduced myself to the expeditor, and told him where I was from and how the place had come highly recommended. We talked for a few minutes while I went over the wine list. I settled on an 05 St Emillion. I then asked him if the chef would do a tasting menu for me. I got to meet the chef and we settled on a six course menu. Ready for it?

Small greens with smoked salmon, air dried corn, isreali couscous and buttermilk dressing
Tiger shrimp lightly coated in cornmeal on a bed of sweet corn grits
Seared scallop on beet infused risotto with chevre and dill <-- my favorite dish
Pork belly with a thai chili cucumber sauce
Pork ass in a red wine gastrique with baby slaw and micro cilantro <--second favorite
Dessert trio of pot d'creme, bread pudding, and an ice cream I would kill your mother for. :)

Not a bad little dinner, eh? Right up my alley. We went through a second bottle, and I invited the expeditor to join me on Saturday if he wants so I don't walk into this party by myself. Plus he knows the area and where to park, etc. Always bring a local baby. I will be going back Saturday before the party to "warm up" and hang out. I felt very welcomed at this place and strongly recommend it to anyone in the Phoenix/Tuscon/Scottsdale area.

Headed back to the hotel and I won't lie, there were a couple of moments where I realized I was "happy" shall we say. Was never worried, but I knew I should stop fucking with my phone and focus. Got back to my room and there is a GIANT box on the desk. WTF?? What the hell did she send me?!?! I called her and opened it with her on the phone. Inside the GIANT box was a tiny box of nine chocolates. And not just normal people chocolate -- sage with honey, passionfruit, pineapple upside down cake -- all of which she picked out -- but the one that stopped me cold. The one that made me want to give this woman everything in the world -- a single small heart shaped chocolate. Peanut butter and jelly. The greatest flavors in a candy ever. The flavors that a chocolate shop in my old town stopped making because I was the only one who bought it. I was such a happy little boy...

We talked for about an hour and then I literally passed out on top of the bed, in my clothes, sideways. And now it's morning, I have nothing to do but sit by the pool and nurse this hangover. And think of her and my chocolate...

Y2 D8

Before I go into yesterday I need to tell you about my dinner from Tuesday. I don't know how I managed to forget this yesterday morning. Maybe it was the overload of food still in my system. Tuesday night when I got to the hotel I noticed the restaurant next door and my little heart skipped a beat. When I travel to certain areas of the world, there are some places I have to go on principle because they don't exist where I live. For example, when I am on the east coast, I have to go to a White Castle. It's principle. Well there in all its glory attached to my hotel was a WAFFLE HOUSE! WHOO HOO! I haven't had Waffle House in years. Not since I was dealing with a client down in Kentucky probably 7 or 8 years ago. I know it's an artery clogging, greasy spoon, but dammit, I like the occasional waffle. I had the big ol' plate of waffle, two eggs, bacon, biscuits & gravy, toast, and grits. Oh yeah. That lasted me all the way until last night. Man oh man. What a treat.

On to yesterday...

Met my client and class in the morning. I have about 10 in this first session. Good class so far. They were able to move at a good pace and I have a feeling we will finish early today as the class is small enough and advanced enough for us to move rapidly. There was only one person in the class that was a little slower than the rest, but not like normal where they were WAY behind. Usually there's one person in a class that I have to give special attention to, but not this time. Made things nice. Plus they are catering in lunch (not that I ate) and the students aren't disappearing on me for an hour. Everyone grabbed their food and went back to work. Allowed us to move ahead of schedule. Today I will relax with them a bit and open the floor up to general questions in order to fill the day. I can't move on to next week's topics because I still have five or six more students in the other classes.

Nice campus too. Has a small mall attached to it and since it's right next to ASU a ton of college kids walking around. Nothing like college girls in short skirts and hot weather. Why yes, I am an old horny guy, thank you very much. :p

After class headed back to the hotel and relaxed. N1 called me around 5 and for the next 2 1/2 hours we talked on the phone. I haven't talked on the phone to anyone for that long since I was a smart ass teenager. Neither of us could believe that much time had passed. We talked about our day, how we were feeling for each other, a book she bought me, a book I downloaded for her, food, the weather - in other words EVERYTHING. We even got into some heavy topics about our pasts, what we want in a partner, our feelings about sex, etc. At the end of the call we both had decided that we should be monogamous for a while to see how this relationship goes. I guess that means I am in a relationship now? Ok. I am good with that. It does mean I have to find a way to gently break things off with T1 when I get back home. Luckily I already set a precedent with her that I was seeing other people. It will make it easier to break things off. Not completely easy, but easier. I am sure she will find someone better suited for her than this crazy little white boy anyway.

N1 is going to be picking me up at the airport when I get home. That's the true definition of a friend no matter what, right? Friends help you move, real friends help you move bodies, GOOD friends pick you up at the airport...

We also agreed that she gets to me the Kid at the end of the month. My buddy is hosting another Secret Cafe on the 29th. (BTW if any of you want in, send me an email) I RSVP'd for three hoping that I could convince both the Kid and N1 to attend. So far so good. As long as we are still going out (and I can't see any reason why we wouldn't be) that will be the night they meet. I think it will be fine but of course now I have something else to worry about.

One thing I finally DON'T have to worry about is Amex. I managed to reach someone yesterday and setup a payment plan. The woman was very nice about everything. I owe them $5700 and even she could see from my account history that this was not the norm. I went from a 100,000+ a year customer to owing them $5700. I told the woman how embarrassed I was about that. She even commented that yes, I can see you normally had a 5,000 a month bill with no issues. Yeah, I know. But then, oh I got sued, my wife left, lost the house, lost my job, moved... She noted all this as it shows hardship. She said that if I can handle the payment plan for 12 months we can re-evaluate at the end if the debt can be considered settled due to hardship. I just have to be able to keep up with the monthly. I didn't over commit to an amount on purpose. I want this gone.

Speaking of that, J2 has agreed to give me a little of what she owes me when I am down there next weekend. That will help as whatever she gives me will go towards the Amex bill. What she owes me would knock it in half immediately. We will see what she is able to pay. I may ask her to make me the same monthly payment I am making them just to make sure it is covered.

In other news talked to the Kid. She is applying for summer jobs. She was very smart and used online applications allowing her to apply from home for jobs in my area. I doubt anything will come of it, but I applaud her efforts. At least she is trying. That's all I can ask.

Tonight after class I think I am going to find a Target or similar and get some swim trunks. I didn't bring any with me for space reasons, but it's fucking hot here. :) I want to go for a nice swim this afternoon. Wish me luck on that.

Oh side note -- I haven't had a drink since Saturday. And that was just a single glass of wine. I would like to go a week without drinking. That would line up with the party I am going to Saturday night. Let's see how I do...

Y2 D7

Long ass day yesterday. 6 hours of travel. Five in a plane. Had a short layover, nothing major. About 1/2 hour of waiting and then half hour of boarding. Ironically, I get off one plane and look at the gate number for my next flight? Same plane. Same gate. One row over on seats. Seriously. I went from 9C to 10D. Dumb. They should have just let me stay on the plane. I was thinking about that yesterday; I remember being younger and having planes stop at different hubs to pick up more people but you didn't have to disembark. Anyone else remember those days?

Texted N1 and T1 during the day to let them know I got to each of my stops safely. I got stuck in coach on both legs which drives me nuts. Unfortunately I was on "partner" airline flights from my normal airline and my status doesn't get me quite as good of treatment. I did get club access at least which meant I didn't have to deal with the screaming children at the gate. I noticed a lot of people taking an extra day from the holiday as there were tons of families traveling on the first leg of my flight.

While I was waiting in the morning for my first flight, N1 asks me where I am staying. To make it easy I just sent her a link to my reservation. I figured she wanted the number in case she couldn't reach me and didn't think twice about it. I am used to sending that kind of info to certain people in case they are trying to track me down. While I was waiting for my second flight, she tells me that I need to check with the desk on Friday as I have a package coming. Huh?? She didn't need to do that. Sweet as hell. I thanked her and asked her why and she said "because I really like you and you bring me joy". Nice.

Made it to Phoenix and as I went to get my car, I saw it was 102. 102?? That's not a temperature people, that's a radio station. 102?? You're frickin' nuts. How am I supposed to function in weather like this? I am already feeling the effects of going outside then into air conditioned places. The up/down drives my body nuts. Anyway, got my car, then headed downtown to find the Kinko's where the manuals were waiting. In and out. Nice. Found the hotel and at least there I got some decent treatment. I have a very nice King suite with kitchen. Since I am going to be here a while that makes things easy. I headed out to find a grocery store to pick up some staples (Rockstar and cheese). I like having a kitchen in my room. This way I don't have to go out if I don't want to at night.

Got a call from the woman at Amex about my account. I need to try and call her back today, but my schedule is tight with training. I don't want her thinking I am avoiding, but it honestly is just not a good time. I will try calling at lunch.

Talked to N1 on the phone while I was out running errands. We just chit chatted about nothing in particular - her dog, new tires, my trip, etc. She was off to dance class and we said we would talk today.

I didn't quite get the Hollywood ending when I wrapped up the first year of my adventure, but I am certainly starting the second one off on a high note...

Talked to the Kid. She called at 9:30 which was kind of trippy. I went to bed early as it was a long day, maybe around 8:45 or 9, and the phone rang at 9:30. In my head I was thinking why the hell is my alarm playing that ringtone? Then I realized it was the Kid's ringtone and freaked out thinking why is she calling me in the middle of the night?!!? I answered the phone and saw it was 9:30. D'OH! Dumb me. We talked for a few then I went back to sleep.

Got an email during the night from my buddy that runs the secret cafes. New one end of June. This will be cool as I can bring the Kid AND if N1 and I are still going out...

I have to see how it plays out the week I am back, but if things seem solid? I may have to break up with T1. It just wouldn't be fair to string her along. Can't pull that shit.

I also got an email from my friend who paints live in Scottsdale at the W. I am now on the guest list for a pool party Saturday. Sweeeet. :)

Off to shower and get ready to train...

Y2 D6

What a day. I have always posted the morning after in order to have time to let a day play all the way out because until I reach a certain point, anything can still happen. Yesterday proved that. It also proved something else - that X2 is nothing but a fading fucking memory and no longer a reminder of who I used to be. More on that in a minute...

Started the day off by getting ready to hit the guitar store as planned. I sent A5 an email chastising her for calling and not leaving messages. No response as of yet. Whatever.

As I was brushing my teeth, N1 called. We talked for a while and she told me she was going to the movies with a co-worker later that night. We talked for a while and agreed we would miss each other. We said goodbye and I expected that to be the end of it. About a half hour later she texted to let me know her co-worker cancelled. I decided to take a chance and called her and said, fine let's go to dinner and a movie since I will be gone for two weeks. She agreed and I told her to pick the movie and the time. 8pm. Ok, then meet me at 6 for dinner. Done and done.

After getting off the phone with her, I went to the guitar store. Picked up a new guitar, amp, and cables for $250. Not a half bad sale. Oh, I also got two stands as I needed one for one of my other guitars. I now have four in the house. Came home and plugged that sucker in -- I am sure my neighbors hate me. :) I got a Line 6 Spider with all these built in effects and settings. Was hitting the power chords HARD for a good half hour. Putzed around for a while. Got a message from the Original N on FB asking me about something. I sent her off a reply. Seems she is still not doing well. I feel for her. I can empathize with her, but she also needs to learn how to move forward. I wish I could help her, but I know I can only do so much.

Talked to the Kid about summer and getting ready for me to pick her up soon. We also talked about her getting her passport taken care of sooner rather than later in order to make sure that it would be here in time for us to go anywhere. She started looking things up and is going to go get it handled in the next two weeks.

Showered and then headed off to meet N1.

Got there early so I could hit the bookstore and grab a paperback for my trip. While I was doing that, I talked to X1's husband. I need him to help out the kid with her passport this week. We talked about X1 and I learned some new stuff. Turns out she is worse than I thought. I will leave that for another day.

Met N1 and we went to a favorite Korean place of mine that I hadn't been to since X2 and I last went there years ago. At first I was worried I was going to tweak but nope. Nothing. It was a new experience with a new person and a NEW memory. I felt great. We had an incredible dinner where she fed me lychee sorbet. Did I mention how smoking hot she was looking? Sexy dress, sexy shoes, sexy ass... I know, TMI but what the hell... While we were at dinner, I thanked her for agreeing to see me again so soon after. I acknowledged that it's not proper dating etiquette once again to be seeing each other so soon after a date BUT that this had bitten me in the ass before. She asked what I meant and I explained to her what happened with A1. How I had just started seeing someone, really hit it off, and then boom, on the road for two weeks. She said that sounds ok. Yes but I explained further, we both knew we weren't dating monogamously and while I was gone she met some other dude and got to spend a good deal of time with him. By the time I came back from my trip they were deeper than I could have hoped to ever have been. She then understood what I was saying. Regardless, I think I left a strong enough impression on her that I don't have to worry about another A1 situation.

We had some time to kill before the movie and we went back to the bookstore. I asked her to show me the area she would spend the most time in and vice versa. For her it was through different part of the bookstore. Varied interests this once has... While going through the geek section for me, I noticed a book I have been wanting to read. I grabbed it and as we headed to the counter, she took it from my hands and told me she was buying it so I would think about HER while I was gone. Nice move. Very cool. :)

We went and saw Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. GREAT movie. Long, but great. We spent the whole movie in each other's arms, just touching and occasionally sneaking glances at each other. Felt like two teenagers being naughty. We were both getting pissed off that the armrests didn't lift and we kept trying to get closer but ended up with an armrest for our troubles. But it was fun and made us both laugh. We parted ways after a long time of just staring at each other and kissing. I wasn't home more than 10 minutes when I got a fantastic email from her telling me how much she is going to miss me and thanking me for a wonderful weekend. I replied in kind.

Now back to that opening remark -- while I was waiting for my buddy to come over last night at 11:30 to get the keys from me, he is watching the cat while I am gone, I was on FB. X2's sister posted pics from her graduation yesterday. Yep. There is X2. In all her glory. And you know what? Nothing. Nada. Nill. Zip. Zilch. Zero. Didn't even phase me. Didn't dwell, didn't feel anything. THAT was fantastic. Of course, it was also due probably to a great date, but I think it also due to me just not giving a shit any more. She didn't look attractive to me at all. Funny enough, in one of the pics she is wearing something I KNOW she has had for years and that was my thought -- really she still wears that?? Ugh. Other than that? Who cares. She is a fading fucking memory. Nothing more. Ok, that's all a lie. But I will say I didn't feel anything STRONG. There was no oh woe is me. Oh look how good she looks - that part is true. I really didn't care about her in that sense. I said FADING memory, not a memory. They say it takes 1/2 the time you were together to get over someone. I guess I have 5 years to go?

Off to Phoenix. Long two weeks ahead of me...