Y2 D24

So what do you know, this honesty thing might actually work. I had a very long talk with N1 one last night. We were supposed to go to the movies and meet at 7. Around 6 she sends me a text saying new ETA of 7:20. I got down to where we were supposed to meet and decided screw this, no movie, we need to talk. I sent her a text saying screw the movie, meet me at the bar of XXXX. She shows up at around 7:30 and I say let's talk.

I go into how I don't know if our lifestyles are going to really mesh over the long picture. I told her that she won't like my drinking. I told her that I am an arrogant conceited over-grown child and a label whore. I laid it all out on the line. I told her I wasn't going to stop smoking any time soon. Nor was I ever going to stop drinking. I also told her I have issues with people being late. I told her I doubted I was good boyfriend material. I was never going to stop being a flirt, the center of attention, or a smart ass. I told her I don't let my guard down because I just end up getting hurt. I told her I would probably hurt her.

All that and she still had dinner with me. All that and she is still willing to keep dating. Ok woman, don't say I didn't warn you sufficiently.

Almost went 24 hours without hearing from the other one. Almost. So damn close. Can't believe it's been two weeks. I swear if I could I would throw everything away right now, get on a plane, grab her, and go to France. Seriously. I know why I can't let it go. She is too much like X2. She is everything I had. Everything I was content with at one point. She is shallow, self-centered, tall, arrogant, independent, and a bitch in her own way. She is perfect for me. But just like X2, it's not sustainable. We would burn very bright together and then explode. Leaving more dead bodies, hurt people, and damage. I couldn't recover from a second time of that. Hell, I haven't fully recovered from the first time. I have this tattoo on me to remind me. I need to look at it today and really think through what the hell I am doing.

Talked to my boss (one of them) and like a child before the father asked for forgiveness. I received it. Thank you. Now I just need to rebuild their trust and show them it was a fuck-up nothing more nothing less.

Today I have to get my house in order. Literally.