Everything is grey today. Me, the weather, everything. Enjoyed the high one last time yesterday. Make some decisions, good and bad, that will determine how things end up for me moving forward. The euphoria is over. You can never sustain the high can you?
Took the Kid shopping yesterday to start the summer off right. Got some stuff for myself as well. Got some stuff for other people. Is it ever possible to keep the feeling? I doubt it seriously. You just have to accept that this will be how it is if you choose this path. The ups and downs of decisions.
Back in my own space and it doesn't feel comfortable. Feels constricting and limiting. Feels small. Everything feels small today. Feels like I am being pushed upon on all sides. One more day would make me feel good. But I think it's done. And I think the other is done. I will handle that on Friday. End that and make a clean break.
I only ever have to wake up to myself. I never have to accept what I don't want to accept. I don't have to do what they tell me to do if I don't want to. I am free to make my own decisions, destroy myself in anyway I want to, and sift through the ashes later. The Phoenix burns bright, lives short, but rises again to repeat the cycle all over. Very painful cycle but oh those glorious moments where you burn so bright that god himself can't look at you directly. I will take the moments. Seek them out. Hold them and they slip through the grasp. Stories. It's all about stories. It's all about finding the right moment and holding on to it. I have stories right now that will last me through the end of the year. Make more. See more. Do more.
Can't focus right now. Feeling caged at this moment. Need to breathe a little before I take to the streets screaming.
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