Y2 D17

You see?? This is when I finally feel good. I feel free. I feel me. You can’t take that away from me. Ever. No.

Some will die in hot pursuit while sifting through my ashes...

It’s always the same isn’t it? The star that burns the brightest dies the quickest? Can’t keep it up forever. I try, but they always find something. I am the novelty of the moment. The joke. The amusement. The whispered laughter when I leave the room. But I set myself up for it too right? Rockstar. Superstar. Porno Star. Superfuck. But I don't care. I AM ALIVE.


What do I expect? No expectations any more. Hurts too much. It all hurts. I should know that by now. Doomed to forever repeat the sins of the past.

I passed a building yesterday that was desolate, decrepit, with no windows. It had “WELCOME TO CENTER” painted across it. What does that mean? No other markings, just those words. I wanted to go in it so bad just because.

Where is center? Attainable? Not for me. It’s either high or low. There is no balance. There is no release. There is no exit.

I have to go “home” now. Home. What a joke of a word. I don’t have a home. I have a place for my “stuff”. I belong nowhere. I don’t fit in anywhere.

I have to see her and see if I feel. Can I fake it for one more show? Will I feel? Can I ever feel? There is no exaggeration, just the truth. I want that tattooed on me – VERITAS. Truth. It might be all I have left. I want to feel, trust me. The last time I did I had my heart ripped from my chest, shoved in my face, and then stomped on. Why should I let that happen again? Easier to shut down, wear my mask and hide in the corner when the lights go down

I feed off other people’s happiness even to my own detriment. I let them leech it from me without regard to what it does to me. If they are smiling then I have done well. I must have the approval. But when I do that, I bleed a little more on the inside. Soon there may be nothing left to give. I went cold in these last few months. More so than anyone realizes.

So I will go home and I will see. See if I have anything left to give. I will draw on some reserve and smile like it’s the greatest moment of my life. She will feel like the most important person in the world. I will feed off that and find some energy. Then later, when I am driving to get the Kid, I will slip back inside where I don’t have to lie or pretend. Where I can be alone with myself and then I will pick up the Kid and have to start all over. Back to full throttle. Back to being the bright light.

But I had the moment again. I felt it. I held it in my arms. And then it slipped through my grasp. This time, I let it slip, but it still slipped.

It’s better to burn out than fade away.