ANA Y1 D157

We are down to 52 hours until B leaves for Alaska. I'm pretty excited and I'm not even the one going. It means I get my house all to myself. I get to clean up the mess they've created down in that basement. Boxes everywhere, shit all over. Nope. It's all getting cleaned up and organized. I am so ready for them to be on their own and making their own messes somewhere else. Go. Shoo. Last night they did something that completely annoyed me. I spent all day making dinner for them and our friend. The three of us are sitting there at the table and B's phone rings. They leave the table, mid dinner mind you, go downstairs for like 20 minutes. Meanwhile friend and I are having a good conversation. This is one of the friends who used to be B's but has become more mine. Sucks for you. But anyway, they must hear that we're enjoying ourselves so they rudely call him down. Leaving me with cleaning up the entire kitchen and mess. You know what? Bye Felicia. 

I did go to the grocery store in the morning. I am pushing myself too hard. I am not feeling well this morning and think I have some long covid after effects. Again, not dead, but I don't know if I will ever be 100% again. Seriously. I am scared to retest because I am sure it will come back positive still. I'm not coughing or sore throat, but the achiness and lethargy I just can't shake. This is some shit people. And who do I have to blame for it? Bitch.

Teach a few times this week. Plus C will be here. That's going to be interesting and fun. Can we live together without issue? We're about to find out. With B there was no trial run. They moved in and we moved forward. With C, I get a little bit of the inside scoop. If it works out over these next few weeks, great, if not, we part as friends and nothing is lost. I may need to cut some other people out of my life in unrelated news. The other day the ex-gf asked what the point of our friendship is. I have been contemplating that. The answer is, there isn't one. So I may let them go. Same with my friend in NJ. They have been struggling again and going through the shit. It's time for them to get their head on straight. They need professional help I can't offer. I wish things had turned out different, but I needed more than they could ever give me. 

I have bloodwork this morning. Got to leave in three hours.

ANA Y1 D156

I am awake. No more than that. I am up early to go to the grocery store. I have shit to do this morning and didn't need any distractions. I want to get to the store and come back. Maybe go back to bed. I am not feeling well this morning. I believe I am suffering a bit of relapse. It was too cold for me to be out two nights in a row, but here we are. I will be needing a nap later.

Did around the house stuff yesterday. Prepped dinner for tonight, made dinner for myself. Did laundry. Cleaned. Went out until about 11 last night. Caught up with a couple of people. Got into an argument with one more. There's no pleasing some people and I am done trying. I don't have the energy any more to try and stay friends with someone who doesn't want to be my friend. Just tired of playing games with people who need real therapy and try to use me for it. Stop acting like children. No one has the time to play these games. I don't need that in my life. There are plenty of people in my life these days who respect my time, who respect who I am, and don't need me to be their support group. As for the others, I am sorry but your time has come and gone. I do not need my tinnitus coming back because of your stupid ass.

That's about it. We are mere days away from B leaving. Days away from C being here. I can't wait.

ANA Y1 D155

Hold on, busy shutting a bitch down in another window. Okay back to this. So I am back in a better head space than I was yesterday. The morning was rough. I got into an argument with the ex-gf. Bitch doesn't understand how I work. She wants to share everything and talk feelings. I told her I have a therapist that gets paid to listen to my bullshit. She came back with 'this friendship seems pointless'. Well maybe it is. Maybe I only kept you around out of fucking pity. Ever consider that?? Fuck off. I did in fact discuss my melancholy state with my therapist because she DOES get paid to listen to my shit. We talked about how yesterday was the end of something. She assured me she'd be more worried if I wasn't feeling anything at all. Fair enough. We talked about how some people don't deserve to be in my life. We talked about B's trip. We talked about C. It was a good session.

Did a work meeting or three. Finished up and went to dinner with B. We had a good time. It truly was nice closure. We celebrated the life we had together. We celebrated how without things going the way they did, neither of us would have ever reached the paths we're on. We needed each other for a specific reason and it's all good. We're happy with our goals, we're happy with our new partners, and we're happy with our friendship. That's all that matters.

Came home and talked with C for a couple hours before bed. Today I am starting a roast for tomorrow night dinner. Doing laundry. Going to start packing some of B's shit. Might go out tonight. We will see.

ANA Y1 D154

Been up for an hour. Stress day. Bill day. But mortgage is paid. All that matters.

Did a webinar yesterday. Nearly 200 people. One of the biggest ones this year. They all come for me. Whee.

Watched Get Out with C. Had burgers and fries for dinner homemade. 

Therapy today. Dinner with B tonight.

It's our anniversary. The last one. I should have gotten a card. I didn't. I am not going to. Maybe I will. We will see. Would be the nice thing to do. They already got their gift.

Not feeling it today.

ANA Y1 D153

Roughly 148 hours until B leaves for Alaska. 7 weeks they will be out of my life. Nearly 2 full months. If there was ever a practice run for how life will be, this is it. As I have said before, this is all okay. I'm getting good closure, I am getting good support, I am okay.

I've been finally moving shows from Current to Archive and the number of shows that only get 1-2 seasons these days is ridiculous. I have moved over 40 shows and I would say the majority of them have 3 seasons or less. I am sure that if I looked historically it's no different than in the past, but it feels different. Just an observation.

Taught a full day yesterday. 9:30 - 5:30. It was rough. I am still not 100%. Maybe 95%. Just a little brain fog left. I will get there. I have 148 hours to get there. Had leftovers for dinner. Watch Nope with C last night. Day 3 of our spooky movie week. Not as good as Us, but still not bad. I enjoyed it. More than C. They were hoping for another thriller like Us. I have to come up with something good tonight.

Things are calm. Not much to report which is good. Let my boring life return to being a boring life. Webinar today, going in for some bloodwork. Got my referral letter finally for voice therapy. Hope to start that soon. I'd like to make some improvement by January. Start the name change process then too. 2023 will be here before you know it. Wow. What a concept.

ANA Y1 D152

Stupid time of year is upon us. Where it goes from snowing one day to me sweating my ass off the next. I slept like shit because I was so hot last night. I am still sweating right now. I am honestly considering turning on the AC. At the very least, opening a window. Well I opened a window. Let's see if that helps. I hear rain outside which explains a lot. Fuck this weather and fuck this stupid state.

Okay, what did I do yesterday? I taught. New group. Worked from 1-6. Add Texas A&M to my list of colleges I've taught people at. For a while I was the defacto person for certain industries, now I am the person for higher-ed somehow. Ordered in sushi for dinner because I wanted it. Watched another scary movie with C last night. Watched Us. Okay, that one was creepy as hell. I was alone in the house watching it and nope. Ironically I think we're going to watch Nope tonight. 

Teach 9:30 - 5:30 today. New group. In fucking Kansas. We all know how I feel about that state. 172 hours until B leaves. We had a talk yesterday. I agreed to take some things off their plate if they will let me. While they are gone I am going to be packing their shit up and moving stuff downstairs. I promised to label everything and respect everything as if it were my own. There are a number of changes I want to make to the house but I need their stuff moved first.

That's about it. 

ANA Y1 D151

Sometimes the old sayings are the truest - houseguests and fish both need to go after 3 days. This bitch is still in my house. I almost typed "our" but it's my house at this point. One week and B is gone. No not forever, but pretty darn close. Last night C and I were looking at some houses in another city together and I saved them to the account. Turns out B and I are still using the same account on that site and they have like 50 saved. They are moving forward with living with A in their house. Hence, my house. When C moves in here then it will be an "our" again. For now, it's a "my". Anyway, this bitch needs to go. Leaves the toilet seat up and the cats get in. Doesn't change the toilet paper out. Leaves my kitchen a mess with dishes in the sink. It's no wonder your roommates wanted you gone. Not to mention another stoner who sleep all goddamn day. Do something with your life. Ugh these people drive me nuts. Soon grasshopper, soon.

I spent the day working through some technical issues, practicing my presentation on Thursday, and prepping for my two days of teaching. I am still feeling some slight symptoms of the 'rona. Mostly just the lethargy I can't quite seem to shake. I got very tired yesterday and took a nap. But otherwise, I think I am on the mend. Not going to test out again until the weekend though. C and I spent another 8 hours together if not more. We watched a movie last night. We decided that for Halloween week we would watch a scary movie a night. We watched the original Hellraiser so we could at some point watch the remake. It holds up pretty well by modern standards. I made crepes for dinner and ate them with C. I also took her into the kitchen and cooked with her. That's the second time I've done that. God I just want her here. Soon. We looked at the calendar yesterday and have planned out a good chunk of when she can be here. Hopefully the same day B leaves, she can arrive. Out of the 5 or 6 weeks B is gone, it's looking like C can be here at least 3 of those. I'm okay with this as it will also give me some alone time. I need some. Bad. Some days I can't believe how close we are to the end of the year. I swear to god, this has been one of the weirdest craziest years of my life. Divorce, transition, polyamory, new love, sex, rock and roll. And much of that in six months. I can't wait to see the CALM I hope 2023 brings. Please dear lord, let it bring calm.

Class today, 2-6. Then another scary movie.

ANA Y1 D150

 Let me tell you, I am very glad that B's life is having less and less impact on my own. They literally slept 12+ hours yesterday due to their "guest" not letting them sleep during the night. They are ready to strangle and murder them. Nothing got accomplished for them yesterday until 8pm when they went to the grocery store and had to drive the idiot 30 minutes away because they left their phone somewhere. They got home pretty much as I was going to bed. Speaking of bed, I got some solid sleep in last night. Woke up alone so I guess they tolerated their bunk mate another night. Supposedly they are out of here tomorrow. We shall see.

Me, I spent the day with C in our own way. We watched Bear and finally finished it. Yay! That was our main goal for the day and we achieved it. Who says all goals have to be epic? We are now free to move on to a new show. Take your victories where you can. The best part though is C being able to see just how things are around here. All of B's friends truly have one side of the story. They don't see the things I do around this house. They don't take into consideration all the things I pay for around here. They just have B's side. I dealt with this same thing with X2. I remember clearly when the person who they were living with told me how wrong they were about me having spent time living with X2. How so much of what they heard was exaggerated and what kind of person she really was. Bitch, I bring receipts. Always. This is why I have found it so much easier in life to just be factual. Here you go, here's the story, here's the proof, let's move on. Point is, C got to see first hand how B acts, the whole sleeping all day thing, the not taking care of stuff, etc. I didn't have to say a word. I just let the actions speak for themselves. It is what it is.

I did leave the house briefly. I dropped off my ballot. I have now voted. I did my civic duty. I don't know how much it will help or change, but I did my part. That was my big adventure. Felt good to get out even if it was for just a few. I did go to the grocery store because I had a feeling B would drop the ball. Got myself a rockstar for the morning because they were supposed to and oh look, they didn't. C is constantly amazed at how much thought I put into everything but they are starting to see why. 

We're talking already. They're on my sleep schedule. God I am happy.

ANA Y1 D149

I am already annoyed this morning. At 6am B came into my room wanting to sleep in my bed because their houseguest was making it impossible to sleep. Well, you just woke me up and now I can't get back to sleep. So I was up at 6:38am. I have been using a sleep app to track my sleep cycle and I know exactly what time they came in and I got up because it records all sounds in the room. Second, the fucking cat walked all over desk last night and broke my vape. Somewhere there is a pod full of juice floating around this house. If the coil came out then it is a BROKEN pod of juice. Someone is going to find it and get sick. I just fucking know it. I have been crawling around on my hands and knees for the last hour looking for this fucking thing. But I can't turn lights on because there are people in my goddamn house. Now one of those people (don't know which) is taking a fucking shower. There goes my bathroom time. Motherfucker. I am done. Get out. Leave. Be gone. 

But guess what? In 9 days that all changes. Remember how B and I talked about them not having to come home? Well, that extended to why don't you leave sooner? They called American yesterday and changed their flight. They are now doing a one way to Alaska, a flight to Seattle one way, then driving home from Seattle with A. The dates? November 2nd to December 20th. Yep. You read that right. A month and a half they will be gone and out of my house. In a little over a week this will be MY house. No one to bother me. No one to be in my way. It also means C can come and go and stay as long as she wants. She can be here for as much or as little of that time as she can manage. 

Now, to just make it 9 days without killing anyone. 

Got some projects done yesterday. Put up a light fixture in the hallway. Cleaned up. That was about it. I tested positive again. My symptoms are 90% gone, but still enough to test out positive apparently. I mostly just have some sinus issues. Nothing major. The brain fog is real and may be my lasting issue for a while. I get paused when doing stuff. Just train of thought gone. C and I talked all day. We were connected by either phone or computer for at least 8-10 hours of the day. 

This cat is pissing me off today. I am done already. Need to go back to bed. Need to leave this fucking house.

ANA Y1 D148

Welcome to the weekend. The first one at home in a month. First time I am not waking up in a hotel room  in a month. But it's also the first weekend where I haven't woken up next to C. That's kind of sad. I miss her touch. I miss her smell. I miss her soft snores. I almost woke up next to B. No, nothing stupid happened. It was me being a nice person. Once again B bit off more than they could chew and found themselves in over their head not knowing how to get out. I had to be the villain of the story. Never shall I escape my role. So here's the deal - B told friend R, "of course I can drive you to the hospital for your tumor removal surgery. Of course you can recuperate in my bed/house." Was I consulted? Nope. Okay, they're your responsibility, not mine. Oops, you didn't bother to ask how long the recuperation was? You didn't bother to ask if they had to have follow up appointments? You didn't bother to realize they would be in YOUR bed tossing and turning in pain? Gee, it sucks to be you. They found all this out the hard way yesterday when she needed to be taken back to the ER, TWICE. She found this out the hard way when she realized she got zero sleep Thursday night. Last night they were at wit's end. I said fine, you can sleep in MY bed if you want tonight. Then they asked if I could be the villain and say I need them out by Monday because of work. Whatever. Luckily it didn't happen, but I was still put off by it. Why am I still bailing their ass out and getting nothing in return?

I discussed that concept with my therapist yesterday. I did set some boundaries with B which she was proud of me for doing. I told B that the minute they move out, they have to at the very least be ready to take over their car payment, health insurance, gas, and car insurance. I am not going to free ride someone who isn't even living here. You're not my responsibility any more. I have my own life to live. I have my own things to deal with from now on. My therapist applauded me for being kind but firm. B on the other hand wasn't so keen. Sorry. That's the rules. We also talked about how even without C, I am stabilizing. I have found my groove, my people, and am moving forward in all ways. I am getting healthy finally. With C, we discussed how she is helping me break down walls and years of trauma. I am letting myself be vulnerable and free. Years and years of layers peeling away. I am the proverbial butterfly emerging from the cocoon. Hence why I want that as a tattoo some day.

Me and C played more Portal co-op. We kicked ass. Made it through the five main levels. Bonus levels next. We also watched the first episode in AHS S11. So far it is flat. But I know that can change at any second. Like what's the deal with the deer? We shall see.

I also got some projects done. I hooked the TV to the stereo in my media room. I ordered C's birthday present. I made the bed. Got a couple more to accomplish today, but nothing major. I am going to test soon to see if I come back negative. Hopefully so. Otherwise, staying inside, and staying physically and mentally safe. These are my goals.

ANA Y1 D147

For the first time in a month I don't get to see C this weekend. That makes me sad to be honest. We will get through this until November, I know, but it sucks. Here's something interesting - I was going back and reading early posts. I was looking for the first real mentions of B. Almost ten years ago. I can see the point where the posts became more and more about them. But I wrote this on January 15th 2013:

Love. Love a lot. Love often. Fall in love fast and with every fiber of your being. Seriously. And I am not talking to Jesus love thy neighbor crap. Nor am I saying being kind to everyone because some people are just peasants and not worthy. I mean the person you want to be with. Love them. Find them and love them. Love them for as long as it lasts too. Stop worrying about 'is this the one' or 'are they my life partner'. Because the more you worry about finding 'the one' you end up with NO ONE. I would rather love a thousand times in my life and deal with a thousand broken hearts than to never try at all. So the next time you see that cute girl in the bar, or that guy walking down the street - take a fucking chance. Say hi. Ask them out. Love them. Love them with everything you got. Be theirs. You say to me though, what f it ends? Yeah so? It ends. Take something away from it. Learn from it. And then do it again. And again and again. People leave. People die. People change. Stop worrying about if they are going to be here tomorrow and love them today. Love them right now. If you have someone, turn to them right now and tell them you fucking love them. Hold their hand. Smile for them. Write a message in the steam on the mirror while they are taking a shower. Love their laugh, love their smile, love them. Because yeah, they might not be here tomorrow and it is going to hurt like a son of a bitch. You are going to dwell and contemplate everything you did wrong only to realize you did nothing wrong. Things happen. You don't blame yourself if your significant other gets in a car accident on the way home and dies do you? Well you shouldn't. But either way, they're gone. So it doesn't matter how is the point. Enjoy the goddamn moment. Enjoy a million moments. You will have adventures and stories and memories. You will be a better person in the end. They will be better people from having been with you. The next person they love will know they are this way because of someone who loved them before. The same for you. So get out there today and fall in love. Fall head over heels weak in the knees brain dead in love. I know I plan to…

Some things never change, do they? I still believe every word of that. But somewhere I lost it with B. I have found myself again in C. I am this person again. I am back to knowing love and not day to day arguments. C and I spent nearly 8 hours together online. We have had 1000 dates in such a short time. I feel I know parts of them that I don't know about myself. At the same time, I have opened up more than I have ever in my life. They seem to bring this out of me. I am in some ways still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sorry for the pause. I went back and did some more reading. People don't change do they? I read back to 2013 and saw some things that I should have recognized as red flags. Yet, I ignored them. Am I doing the same thing now? Are there red flags in front of my face that I am choosing not to see? I don't know. I don't want to examine my life right now. Can I just be happy? 

I had a webinar pre show yesterday. Goddamn it. I am circling back to this other stuff. I am reading and re-reading about my own life. It feels weird. It's me but not me. I can sense how just under the surface of my writing is something lurking. Something dark. My dark passenger if you will. It just coasts and sometimes rears its head. We are the sum of all we experience. We must learn and grow. We must never be complete. 

I don't want to type any more. I want to crawl back in my brain. I want to go back to bed. I want to play a little game...

Once, I had a little game
I like to crawl back in my brain
I think you know the game I mean?
I mean the game called go insane
Now you should try this little game
Just close your eyes, forget your name
Forget the world, forget the people
And we'll erect a different steeple
This little game is fun to do
Just close your eyes, no way to lose
And I'm right here, I'm going too
 Release control, we're breaking through

ANA Y1 D146

I broke down a new barrier last night. I shared something with C that I have never shared with another human being in my life. I opened myself up like an autopsy patient. I bared my soul. In my entire life, not even here, have I ever talked about certain bedroom things. I am not about to start with all of you. But I told her. I trust her so implicitly. It amazes me some days how one human being has been able to rip down walls that have been reinforced for so many years. Walls that no woman has ever been able to get around. Walls that I thought I would keep up until the grave. Yet here I am. Here I am open like a wound. Open to take the salt that could be poured in. I am not afraid though. I am empowered. I don't know what to do with this knowledge. I do know that I have waited a long time to feel this much vulnerability. Is this what normal people feel like in relationships? Is this why they are able to maintain and sustain things? Is this what I have been missing my entire goddamn life? Have all the years of abuse, shame, fear stopped me from experiencing true freedom and emotion? Maybe. But no more. I will not hide in the shadows of my own heart. I will not stop myself from feeling. I will not allow only darkness and anger to be my guides. I will embrace this. And if I burn, then so be it. I burn knowing for even a brief moment I was free. I was alive truly for the first time in my whole fucking life. I tasted the heat of the sun. I let it burn me to my core. And I went back for more.

Okay maybe I watched a viking movie last night and maybe it is still in my brain. Fucking sue me. I mean these words. But I am feeling extra poetic and dramatic today thanks to the movie. If you ever want to watch an EPIC movie, The Northman. One of C's friends called it boring. Um, I don't know what the fuck you were watching, but boring is not the word I would use. We had some technical issues, some pauses, and it took us four hours to watch a two hour movie, but I would watch it again in a heartbeat. We tried to watch a second because I was so invigorated after the first, but we couldn't do it. 

I downloaded a new sleep app on C's recommendation and it's pretty good. It tracks snoring, sleep cycles, etc. I slept 5 hours last night and snored for nearly 4 of those. Good job you stupid body. Piece of shit. I am too fat. I need to lose at least 50 pounds. I weighed myself yesterday and this is not hyperbole. If I lose the weight, the snoring stops, the sleep apnea goes. Maybe then I can sleep more than 5 hours? I sleep good with her. I sleep deep. I sleep unafraid of the shadows. But only with her.

Had a good talk with B last night. We discussed Thanksgiving. They come home at like 7pm on that day and it wouldn't be fair to C to have to drive home and miss the holiday with me. Basically I told B to extend their trip until Friday or even monday. After discussion they said "why don't I just stay until mid-December and drive home with her?". Um, go for it? A full month without you here? Where do I sign up?? I don't expect C to stay that whole time, but it sure makes things easier. B also started telling me about houses they are looking at. What area, what specs, etc. They will be moving in with A. The only question is when. They don't want to go from being one person's burden to another. I made it very clear that if they move out, they need to start paying me. At the very least I want $650. Car payment and health insurance. On top of that, no more using my gas card and no more bi-weekly cash. So there's a grand I am saving right out of the gate. But that's the deal. I am not going to pay for someone who isn't around to help me with this house. No matter how small a contribution, it is principle. If you're living with her, then you ARE her burden and not mine. I want my life and I want my retribution. I just want what's coming to me.

Taught yesterday too in all this. Last day with this group. They were good. We had a good time. I will miss them. Hopefully we will have more sessions together. I seem to be getting some good groups lately. Not all of them, but enough to offset the annoying ones.

Maybe I am just happier in general.

Today is a webinar at 2. Until then, I need more rest. Watch some bad tv, talk with C, keep my strength up. I am not through this shit entirely yet. I can feel it. My nose is blocked and I did cough during the night. Almost through it. I can feel it.

ANA Y1 D145

I wish every single anti-vaxxer on this planet could have watched a time lapse video of me this week. Am I fully back to normal? No, but I am not in the hospital. I do not feel on death's door. This is day three of me officially having COVID. I feel no worse than a bad cold or flu. I have been taking NyQuil, Tylenol, and Advil. I drank another 30 ounces of juice yesterday along with 64 ounces of water. One rockstar. I had Qdoba for dinner. I napped once. My throat is still sore, I have some aches. No loss of taste. No loss of smell that I have noticed. I am functional and moving. Even more than B has been this week. I honestly can't imagine B if they hadn't been vaccinated. I know I have a super immune system so my shit doesn't surprise me. If they hadn't been vaxxed, I truly don't think they would have survived. I would have probably made it, but would have been much worse for the wear. I expect to be testing negative on Saturday, and back to normal next week. I have a few more things to deal with this week but still have plenty of opportunity to rest.

I did some work yesterday but kept it light and slow. I am not pushing myself either. I am trying to rest and recuperate. I haven't left the house since coming home Sunday as is proper. Last night I thought C had met her match in A. There was a delivery of flowers and cereal. Turns out it was from B's mom. C just can't afford to do things like that but I know if she could she would. She did send me the apple cider which was really nice. Was really good too. 

Spent a good chunk of the day just talking with C. We played a couple of games together as well. I have never enjoyed playing co-op games with anyone. Heck, even when B and I played WoW together we struggled a bit. C and I played Portal 2 and discovered the greatest marriage counseling tool ever made. We cranked through levels like nothing. We felt the rhythm of where we needed to go, where to put our portals, and communicated like pros the whole time. B and I have reached a point where we can't move a piece of furniture in the house without arguing the whole time. Is what it is. 

Speaking of that, I got dragged in the middle of drama between B and our mutual friend. Both of them dumped on me yesterday. My advice to both of them was the same - either let go of what has happened and move forward or end the friendship. I read messages from both of them, heard each perspective, and concluded they are talking in circles because neither is budging on their opinion. If they don't let go, this will be the end of their friendship. Honestly it's a shame it's come to this, but they are both being stubborn. Neither wants to admit they're wrong, and neither is backing down on getting the other to apologize. Either end the circle talk or end the relationship. 

I have to teach today but only a half day class. I can do it. Will need a nap though. I can already feel that. There's my biggest problem. I feel "better" and try and do too much. Then I get weak and have to stop. So I need to monitor myself better and slow down a bit. Force a nap if I have to today. I must beat this by the end of the week. I may not be legend any more, but I can at least still be better than normal people. We all know, I sure as fuck ain't normal people.

ANA Y1 D144

Yep. It has happened. I am positive. I have the 'Rona. After 2.5, almost 3 years, I finally caught this shit. But, anyone who says vaccines don't work can kiss my ass. I am hurting for sure. I am coughing, sore throat, stuffed up nose, lethargic, but I am alive. I have no loss of taste or smell, I can still breathe, I am not bed ridden completely. I even managed to teach yesterday. I had some brain fog while teaching, but I made it through. Between the vaccines and my super immune system, I am not down for the count. I will take it. I drank 52 ounces of juice yesterday, took Tylenol and Advil all day. NyQuil at night. I will beat this shit before the week is over. But until then I will suffer. Luckily my coworker had some sympathy and we moved some of my classes to next week. Thank goodness. I can and will go right back to bed after doing all this morning stuff. I had the chills combined with the fever yesterday. Can't deal with that and teaching at the same time. I literally took off my shirt at one point. Thank god we don't use cameras.

Of course C is sick as a result. They had the sore throat yesterday. Around 10 last night the lethargy started to hit them as well. They aren't awake yet which tells me it's hitting hard. Fucking B for getting us all sick. I am a little pissed off about that. Not going to lie. Turns out A had symptoms when they were here. In my house. Not cool man, not cool.

Taught, rested, soup, bed. That's going to be my routine for the rest of the week I imagine so don't expect any fancy updates this week. Not going to be with C in person for a while. It's okay. We will make it work.

ANA Y1 D143

I think my reign is coming to an end. Chills. Sore Throat. Aches. BUT I tested yesterday when I got home at around 3 and was still negative. I will test again in a little while after showering. I fear it will finally come back positive. Motherfucker. This means C will be positive. I have five damn days of teaching. If I do test positive, I will keep teaching, but in between, I will be sleeping. 

Got home around 3:30 yesterday. We spent as long as we could together. We had breakfast, went to a couple stores for some stuff, had lunch, and then parted ways. We talked all the way home. Got home, dealt with getting everything inside, took the dog out, put all my stuff away, had some food, talked with C, took NyQuil, went to bed. While I was talking with C, B came in and ranted about one of our mutual friends. Inadvertently, C got a big insight into my life currently. Even this morning, they were like wow, that's what you deal with? Yep. Sure is. 

Okay, going to like try and do shit and test.

ANA Y1 D142

Hold on people, I am being dragged back to bed by my thirsty woman. Now she's yelling at me to correct history and tell you all that's not true. Yes, she knows I write I this every day. She respects that. She says I am awesome. I don't know about that, but I know I am happy. That's all that matters. Let's talk about the fact that we have been up for an hour already together. Let's talk about how incredible I felt with her at dinner last night. Or walking down the street of a downtown holding hands. Or how we ran around playing Pokemon yesterday. I still stand by my earlier posts; if this ended tomorrow it will have been an important part in my journey. It will have shown me that I am worthy of real love. I am worthy of being loved. I am wanted. I am needed. I am of value. This is what she gives me. She lets me be me. Want to know what our foreplay is like? It's talking about being boring at home. These trips are nice but we want to be in the same house doing stupid shit like taking the dog for a walk. Sitting on the couch watching a show. Deciding what to do for dinner. Together.

Oh and the sex. Goddamn the sex is good. So good that last night she collapsed and immediately fell asleep for 40 minutes. Like heart pumping, pass out good. This body, this soul, has needed that kind of intimacy. Never take it away from me again, okay? Let me die before this ends.

We got up early yesterday, had breakfast downstairs. Scared some CIS white people. Dear god! Hide the children Bill, there's lesbians! Wait! Oh no, they're trans lesbians! RUN! Fucking boring people. Fuck them. After we went to Walmart for a few things, then we went back to the hotel, wait before that we sat in the parking lot and listened to Lana Del Ray and cried. Yeah, so sue us for being cheesy. We hung out at the hotel for a while then we went off to a candy store downtown. She bought me a variety of candy for Sweetest day. We walked around, talked, held hands. Her purse broke and we decided to go find a new one. First we had an incredible sushi lunch where she took what may be the best picture of me ever. I can see the joy in my eyes. I can see the relaxation in my pose. I can see the lack of fear and self consciousness. We then headed to Target but unfortunately didn't find anything. We then headed back downtown for Pokemon community day. She made me walk. Ugh. But it was good. I am probably going to catch a cold as a result, but it will be worth every sniffle. At least I don't have COVID bitches. 

Came back to the hotel, got ready for dinner. Headed back downtown. Note I am using "downtown" very loosely. It's all of a 7  minute drive from our hotel and not an issue finding parking or anything. Dinner was good. Not great, but good. Some misses in our meal but I had a veal porterhouse that was good. She had a bison bolognese with pappardelle. Sides were eh, appetizers just okay. We brought dessert back to the hotel and had it after sex. Oh the sex. Neither of us is walking straight any time soon. Nope. Not happening. I really do need a week off from this. 

Heading home today at some point. Back to my germ filled hovel. Sigh. I teach all week next week. Just had more days added in October. I don't think I get a break between now and the end of the month. At least I am getting paid to do my real job. Okay, shower time.

ANA Y1 D141

 Hello karma my friend. How are you today? What's that? You have some news for me? Oh please do share! B has COVID? Oh my, how horrible. I don't? Well howdy fucking doody! Yep kids, that was the scene at the old homestead yesterday. So ever since they got home B has been feeling like shit and sleeping the day away. Yesterday literally right before I was supposed to leave, they decide to take a COVID test. Well what do you know? The test comes back hard positive. Of course I had to take one. Mine is shining clear negative. I have never been so happy to be sleeping in separate parts of the house in separate beds. Keep your germ filled body to yourself. I am Legend bitches, I. Am. Legend. 

Got up yesterday morning and paid bills, went grocery shopping ($327 fucking dollars thank you very much), then went and had my new hair installed. We didn't have time to do the color so no pictures yet, but I was able to show up for my baby with fresh new hair. My confidence level is at an all time high. I have hot hair, a hot girlfriend, COVID free, and feeling pretty damn good about myself. I will maintain humility and kindness on the outside, but inside, I am about to explode.

Speaking of exploding, much sex was had. I have now officially had intimacy with C in three weeks than I have had with B in the past entire year. Wow. That's just a bit to take in. Not going to lie. I want this woman. From the minute she pulled up I was aching for her touch. We got a beautiful upgrade at the hotel. Nice corner suite with kitchenette. I had her clothes off within 20 minutes again.

But understand it's more than just that. She has a sharp mind, a kindness about her, a vulnerable side. She is the missing piece of a large puzzle. We met a mutual friend who lives in the area we're in right now for drinks and dinner last night. That was fun. We got there around 6 and stayed for a couple hours. We talked, we laughed, and I felt so good. C keeps telling me I am fun. I am you know. I just kind of forgot that in the last couple of years. Nice to be back. I feel like I am doing a reunion tour with the world. Forgotten but Not Dead - Back by No Demand. That's the title of my world tour kids.

We came back to the hotel and went at it until almost 11pm. C fell asleep hard. Like I had energy to go out but they were out cold. I woke up a couple of times during the night and both times we were attached. The first time I stayed attached, the second I was hot and pulled away, but the fact that I didn't feel like I had to pull away and instead chose to is a very different feeling than I have had in quite a while.

That's the reoccurring theme isn't it? The return. The comeback. Whatever you want to call it. I don't care. I don't want to come down from this cloud. That's all I know.

ANA Y1 D140

Okay people I got shit to today so look out. It's payday, it's bill day, it's grocery day, but more importantly, it's new hair day. We aren't going to color it today, but we're going to at least but it on my head and cut it so I look good for my baby. I have to get to the grocery store by 7 so I can be at the hair salon by 8:30. I got shit to this morning.

Had a good day yesterday. Had an argument with B. Of course. See, these days I really can't do anything right in their eyes it would seem. We have drifted so far from where we started. The problem now is any time we try to interact in a couple sort of way, we're immediately comparing behavior to our new partners. Don't get me wrong, we get along great when it's roommate or friend interaction. But when it comes to things that we still have to do as a couple? Nope. It sucks, but it is what it is. The issue revolved around ordering food for dinner. B screwed up my order, I thought doordash did, they got embarrassed because I was asking the driver to wait while I checked, etc. Whatever. Not my problem any more. Have fun A with all of their little quirks. 

I worked on a couple of technical issues. Dealt with servers. Worked on docs. Got shit done. Talked with C, watched some TV, went to bed.

Today around 1pm, I am out of here. Back Sunday. 

ANA Y1 D139

Somehow I have turned into the resident therapist for my group. Me. The one with the most mental problems of them all. Go figure. 

I am tired this morning. We watched two movies last night because apparently we needed two Willam Dafoe movies. We watched the Lighthouse which had such a Lynch vibe I am making her watch Eraserhead next. Then we watched Boondock Saints. I haven't watched that in so long. Some of it doesn't hold up today, but damn if it isn't still a great movie. My girlfriend was a baby when it came out. Let's not over analyze that this morning, shall we kids? Stayed up until about midnight as a result, but I wouldn't trade any amount of sleep for how much fun I had. C keeps telling me I am fun. You know what? I am. Somewhere along the way I lost that. I lost so much. I need it back. 

Taught for about 5 hours yesterday. We've been doing more of these half day classes which isn't bad. It gives me a break from everything. I can get shit done but still have billable hours. Works for me. One of my students decided to spend the day making responses in the form of Tool song titles and lyrics so that was fun. Of course I talked to C before, after, and during. She is making me homemade peanut butter eggs for the weekend and took me with her to the store. Yes, I am turning into B. Sue me.

Speaking of B, they are feeling sick and spent most of the day in bed. Around 11 their friend the smurf came over. Seems they are butt hurt because of B's time with A. Yeah, no more CGF. Let's give the poor girl a name. It's A. Just go with it. Anyway, smurf still thought she had a shot with B. But seeing B spend the five days with A just solidified that nope, you don't. Sorry smurf. She stayed for like 20 minutes it felt. Normally she would have stayed for hours. I don't know if it was because B was sick or what, but she was here and gone it felt. I was too busy watching my boys kill russian mobsters. I feel as if in some ways as I move forward putting all the pieces together, B's world is unraveling in places. Not that they're doing bad with their relationship, but that they have let the others slip. I am working extra hard to make sure that doesn't happen. Have to prioritize these things. Of course it will be easier when we both have our respective people here and not miles away, but that just means you have to work a little harder, that's all. I keep four to five conversations going per day. Make sure others know I am still available for them. It can be tiring, but I know it will pay off in the end. I have a support group, I have a good partner. If the latter ends, I will still have the former because I am giving them my time. I felt if B's relationship with A ended tomorrow, they have burned a lot of bridges and it would cost them.

Last thing for today - another day tinnitus free. Just saying.

ANA Y1 D138

I talked with B more than I expected to yesterday. We shared a lot. Like how CGF got off the plane and pulled out a sign saying "Will you be my girlfriend?". Aw. Sweet. No really, it is. I would do something just as cheesy. They told me about their time and I saw how happy it made them. They went to a cider mill and axe throwing. They went out for Italian. They went to IKEA to look at couches together and have meatballs. We talked about how we're both on a good path. Because I gushed about C and falling asleep on her. I talked about walking around Saugatuck. About shooting on the beach. It was clear we're both thriving. It's all I have ever wanted for both of us. I was complaining how I wasn't going to see C this weekend and B was like why not? I said I didn't want to drive again. Their response? "If cgf was still in this state, I sure as hell wouldn't go five weeks without seeing her. Stop being an idiot and drive." You know what? You're right. So guess what I am doing this weekend? Yep. Driving two hours and spending the weekend with C. Leaving Friday around 2 and badda bing badda boom. Another weekend with my woman.

I spent the day actually doing work stuff. I finished the presentation for a webinar in two weeks. Still have to prep the demos, but otherwise, I am good. I spent two plus hours on calls with clients answering questions and helping them out. I caught up on organizing emails. It was good. I went to italian before group, had a good time in group, and left a few minutes early. Not because of C, but because the people that were there last night I didn't feel like hanging out with afterwards to be truthful. I had a phone call with a dear dear friend from the before times. They are someone I have known from over 12 years. I worked with them back when I was not me and they are one of the first people I ever truly opened up to about who I was. I am grateful to still have them in my life. It was the first time we had talked on the phone in years. We chat online, social media, etc, but this was really nice to hear their voice. Made me realize that there was always one person who had my back in those days. I am forever happy to still know them. I then spent an hour or so on the phone with C going through their portfolio. Good shit man. I am in the presence of someone who takes great photographs like me. Who knows, future gallery showing of all of our work? Maybe. Just maybe.

I'm happy people. My ears aren't screaming. I don't want to listen to horrible music. I want to live and thrive and rejoin the world. This is love.

ANA Y1 D137

Tuesday and still happy. Is that allowed? Was up until almost midnight talking. We were going through my portfolio and sharing so much joy it was sick. Our shared love of photography is a big common thing between. She said something to me over the weekend that has been sticking. She said she loves hearing my stories because unlike most people she has known in the past I have the receipts to back the stories up. I liked that. That's what last night was. We got on a topic and I made a comment about something as was like wait, let me show you the pics. I can back my stories up. Pics or it didn't happen? Fine, here you go.

Oh I remember what it was - we started talking about my new tiki light and how much I love tiki shit. I was saying how unfortunately I've not been allowed to have some of my stuff hanging or on display in the house because it didn't fit the aesthetic. Turns out, she too is a big lover of all this. We even looked up some tiki bars to go when she is here in November. I then went and pulled out a box of my tiki mugs from the basement that's been sitting gathering dust. As I was pulling them out she was getting more excited which made ME feel excited but also sad. The longer we talked, the more I realized how much of ME has been put to the side. How many of my loves have been muted and told they're not appropriate. How many sacrifices I have made to keep the peace or make someone else feel good.

Done, fucking done.

Taught during the day. New group. They're not bad. I was pretty happy. No issues. Met up with the (now) ex-gf for some tacos. I let her have her moment of talking about her newest one, her husband, her kids. I wasn't going to take the spotlight away from her. She deserves her happiness too. Not to toot my own horn, but she isn't over me. I could tell. It was all good. No drama. Got back home, talked with C for four hours. 

First day of no teaching. I have a 9-12 meeting with a client to help them with some stuff but otherwise, clean slate until group time. B is home. They got home around 5. I knew they were staying up all night as CGF's flight was at 5am. Don't expect to interact with them much today. Good.

ANA Y1 D136

In less than 150 days, or 5 months for those of you following along at home, my life has taken the weirdest trajectory. Twists and turns have brought me here. Where is here? Somewhere safe? Somewhere comfortable? Somewhere happy? Some place where my head isn't screaming 24 hours a day?

I'm wearing the fuzzy jacket she bought me yesterday. It has her smell on it. I crave that smell. The taste of her skin. 

I don't mind the sun sometimes, the images it shows
I can taste you on my lips and smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and sugary and softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look through other people's eye

This feeling can last. Especially when it's been taken from you for so long. She's already awake. She's on my schedule. Do you know how long it's been since someone has been on MY schedule? Since someone has told me they're IN love with me?? Me. The trash panda. The greasy goblin. The failure. The insane. For some dumb reason, this woman loves me. Is she taking me for a ride? Don't know, don't care. Let me have the high. I have learned so many lessons over the last twenty years. I have learned what not to do. What to do. What makes me happy. What makes me yearn. I am where I am supposed to be.

We got up, packed up the room, went to breakfast. After breakfast we checked out and went back to Saugatuck. She bought me the fuzzy coat. I bought her a fuzzy coat. We got her mom a gift. She sent me a pic when she got home of her mom crying that someone brought her home something. I see where C gets her emotions from. I like it. They have a good relationship. No trauma from mama. We walked. We talked. We sat by the water and enjoyed the day. Around 2 we parted ways. Not without some tears I might add.

Took me 2.5 hours to get home. Came home to an empty house. I was actually happy about that. It's my house. I didn't have to answer to anyone. I didn't have to talk to anyone. I didn't have to put someone else's stuff away. Oh wait, I did. I was left dishes. Thanks. Especially since I made sure the dishwasher was empty before I left. Go figure. Put away all my stuff and ordered some noodles for dinner. Hung my tiki bar sign. I fucking love it. It glows so scary. Puts me in a red light that I love. 

I slept but tossed and turned. I miss having a body next to me. Some of us do better as a pair than a single. We know this about me. How many entries in this blog are me complaining about longing for human connection and touch. Now I taste it. It's so close. I've lost it. I have regained it. I will never lose it again. 

We talked. We saw each other. We went to our separate beds but not alone. We know the other is thinking of us. 

Never again. I told you all - this time I will kill to protect what I believe in. Even it means killing myself.

ANA Y1 D135

I have just calculated and realized that at the end of this weekend I will have had more physical intimacy in the last two weeks than I have had in the last six months. I have been physically attracted to someone more in the last two months we've been going out than I have been in the last three years. Read into that what you will. It's also struck me on more than one occasion this weekend that C is a clone of X2. Same hair color. Same cheek structure. Same height. Am I looking for the closure I never got? Am I trying to recapture the life I have so desperately wanted back for the last 10 years? Or is it that I simply have a type and B has strayed so far from that type that I didn't realize that I knew what I wanted from the beginning? These questions and many more will be answered on the next episode of Soap.

We had a great day yesterday. We did a photo shoot on the beach together. We were freezing and laughing and having a great time. It's nice being with someone who is also a photographer. C would walk away to shoot a rock because something caught her eye. We then went to the antique pavilion where I found a neon tiki sign I absolutely had to have. I was like you're coming home with me. After we went to the root beer barrel for hot dogs and floats. Just a wonderful day. From there we went back to the hotel for afternoon sex and a good nap. A much needed nap.

Woke up, got ready, went downtown. We struggled a bit to find a place to eat because most places don't take reservations and for some reason this was a busy weekend. We ended up at a mexican place and didn't eat until almost 9pm. Got back to the hotel late, watched some tv on my laptop. I feel asleep on her chest. It was incredible. I haven't felt this safe and secure in quite a while. It's a nice feeling to feel connected to someone again. Let's make sure it lasts a while.

Today we're packing up and heading out. Trying to be home by 5. B still has two more days with their paramour. I will see them Tuesday I think. 

I don't know if I can go four weeks. It's going to be hell.

ANA Y1 D134

I am so desperate for the connection of C that I care not about anything society tells me I should or shouldn't do in this relationship. But I am not settling. I am not giving up a part of myself in anyway shape or form for them. Literally just the opposite. I am for once living, breathing, expressing my true authentic self so much it hurts. I am free to love, give love, be loved. But more than that. Three times people. In a 10 hour period. Three fucking times.

Okay now for the details. Had my hair done in the morning. Came back, did some final packing, hit the road at noon as planned. Met them a little after 3pm. The hotel is hosting some bro dude event and there is testosterone and teenage boys axe smelling grossness swarming all over. It's gross. I don't even know how to explain it. Horrible. Why matter? Because when I tried to check in our room got screwed up and I went from a junior suite to king with balcony. I did have them adjust the price because fuck you. Then the AC unit is out of whack. The room I am not happy with but luckily everything else is gold. 

We were barely in the room for 30 minutes before clothes were gone. Like just tow teenagers going crazy while parents are of out of town. Oh well. two hours for round one. Then we got some awesome sushi. Holland by the way is the cutest fucking town. Without planning we happen to be here during fall fest weekend. Pumpkin carving, street events, activities. It was perfect. We walked up and down the streets feeling the laughter and love all around. I know it has a lot to do with my mental state but I was swept up in the euphoria and moment. Wouldn't have changed a thing.

Back to the room. More sex. Got up, went to the store for ice cream. Got into bed around 11:30 and near midnight we tried again for round 3. Didn't quite work out but we tried be assured we tried. Some time later we both fell asleep happy and content. 

Babies don't sleep this well.

Today we are off to saugutak for fun. I can't fucking wait.

ANA Y1 D133

I know this isn't the first thing I should be thinking about today, but it is - for the first time in almost 10 years, I didn't get a goodnight message. Matter of fact, I am confident we're going to go this whole time without saying anything to each other. This truly marks the end of an era. We are clearly done. You do not come back from this. But, truthfully, I am good. Sad, but good. I am allowed to be sad. The end of anything like this brings sadness and reflection. I hope wherever they are, they wake up happy this morning. I hope the path they are on brings them the joy they need. I know I am on a good path for me and it is bringing me pleasure. It is bringing me happiness. I truly hope they too are finding this. They deserve some peace. As do I. 

Same shit different day in many respects. Taught. After class I worked on putting up some new drapes in my office. I now have blackouts in here. Ate leftover chicken for dinner. B left around 3:30 so it was quiet. I just want to mention, it's also quiet in my head. Been quiet for days. Shows how much my problems are driven from stress. I remember when I was having GERD issues and shingles. All of that was stress driven. I removed the stress, the need for drugs went away. Go figure. I've removed many of the things causing me stress and look at me go. Now I need to lose all this pandemic and stress weight and I will be feeling pretty damn good about myself again. Talked on video for hours on and off with C. We both did our own activities but left the chat window open. I can't knock B any more for their behavior. I am now just as bad. Oh well.

Our new rings arrived yesterday. We did our official ring exchange early. Ending things on our own terms. I now get to wear a new ring this weekend. I love it, but it hits different.

Getting my hair fixed today. Not new yet. Still waiting for it to come in. Hopefully next week and I can have new hair before C comes in November. Then come home, load the car, and hit the road. Our main plan for today is literally, check in, have sex, sushi, more sex, movie, sex, sleep. Sounds like a good night to me. Let's get it rolling, shall we?

ANA Y1 D132

 I have already been up for 45 minutes but talked to three different people, did all my downloads, and finally can focus on my shit. Getting stretched too thin. Need to set boundaries. Funny enough, I discussed that in therapy yesterday. Go figure. I had therapy yesterday since I have too much to do tomorrow morning. I discussed how I have taken something from every relationship of significance I have been in. X1 taught me that I have self worth and don't need to be treated like shit to be loved. X2 taught me the value of planning and how much better life can be when you have your shit together. B has shown me it's okay to be my authentic self. Now, I am putting all those pieces together with C. Figuring out how to have it all. For some crazy reason she likes me. A lot. Like L word a lot. I am good with this. Really fucking good. I see all the pieces of the puzzle coming together. I see someone I can be happy with for as long as they want me as my true authentic self. Every past relationship mistake examined, analyzed, and lessons learned. Now, I can go forward and continue my growth and journey. I bring much less baggage into this one than I ever did. I come in with no secrets, no dark objects in the corner. I just hope she doesn't tire of me or finds my mental illnesses too much to handle. I'm still the same OCD, ADHD, BPD bitch I've always been. But I'm trying. I am trying so hard to be healthy, happy, mindful, and present. I want to be all these things with her every day. I don't care how long we have together. Six months, six years, six decades. I will enjoy every fucking minute of it. I am being so upfront and honest with her about everything. Boundaries. Oddities. Lifestyle. Wants. Needs. I have never let myself be this vulnerable. It scares the fuck out of me. But I feel safe? Safer than I have with B in the last two years. Safer than I ever felt with other partners ever. I couldn't get this close to gf ever. She's posting pictures of her fucking kids and I just think about how I dodged that bullet. C deleted pictures off the internet for her own mental health last night but I swear to god, it touched me more than it should have. I'm raw inside right now. I cry from joy. I have been missing this connection so much. B is still my friend. They are still an important person to me, but they drift further each day. Last night we watched Jersey Shore but they were a million miles away. I literally could have been watching it alone. I am sad for them. They are struggling so much on their journey and I can't help any more. My therapist and I both agree, they're not my burden to carry any more. They made these choices and need to move forward on their own. I have a path. I have a new hand to hold down that path. A hand that brings together so many different angles and pieces of the puzzle. They say when you are reincarnated, you focus on things you messed up before. Is that me? Am I being reincarnated in each relationship so I can focus and finally put it all together? Have I done it? Is this my final form? I'd like to hope it is. I feel strongly it's the closest I have ever been to achieving nirvana. The physical is there. The mental is there. The emotional is there. C is responsible. She has a good brain. She has artistic talent. Shared passions. Shared desires. Baggage, sure. But nothing unmanageable. Nothing that can't be sorted and figured out. Nothing that scares me. Just the fucking opposite. I've never been happier.

In other news, I taught all day, and finished around 6. Made dinner. Gave the dog a bath. We planned out our stay in November. 8 full days. We get to play house. Let's see how that goes. Let's see if the day to day scares them away. Me in my natural habitat. Okay,. I need to get moving here or I will spend the whole fucking day analyzing everything I have ever done wrong in my life.

B leaves tonight. Godspeed and good luck. Seriously I am okay with it. Sadly I am okay with it. May they get past their own hurdles and mental issues. May they live their own authentic life. 

ANA Y1 D131

56 hours until I see C again. Goddamn I am a mess for this girl. Luckily I have therapy this morning and can talk through some stuff. I need to get some things analyzed by a pro. Check my feelings sort of thing. Make sure I stay mindful and present. Thank god for my therapist. 

Taught for about 5 hours yesterday. Last class for Boeing for this round. I expect at least one more group before the end of the year. October is lighter than September, but still plenty busy. At least 10 more days on the calendar. God, I miss traveling. I could have been racking up some good miles and points. Oh well. Maybe 2023. Maybe. C came to my class again. She showed up naked. I held my cool pretty well but there was a moment there where I stumbled on my words. Luckily they had some stuff to do and I was given a reprieve. 

After class I had to help B with a printer issue. Fuck printers. Worst technology ever. Swear to god, you look at one wrong and it won't print. Lost 45 minutes of my life last night. Then I brought up a rug from downstairs for my office. This rug has been in storage since we moved because someone didn't like it. Not no more. My house. My taste. This is the way.

Went to "group" around 6. We did a movie night last night so it wasn't a normal group meeting. I brought all my stuff and set everyone up. Of course no one decided on a goddamn movie before hand. I ended up putting RHPS on of all things. They all watched the movie and I used the time to catch up with friends. I basically sat outside on the patio and had people come to me. The way it should be. I was happy to see and hang out with everyone. Got home around 11 to find B having another breakdown. This is your life. You made your choices. I'm sorry things are rough, but it's not my place to be your support system any more. You want to be divorced and hanging with your moose girl. Get comfort from her. Plus their off posting on Twitter about how in the future they won't have time for anyone. Yeah, good message to be sending. Let me know how that works out for you. They ended up going to taco bell at 11:30. Good decision. Keep up the good work.

I went to bed around 11:30. After therapy this morning I have a 10:30 - 6:30 but am NOT going out tonight. Going to stay home, make some food, and catch up on TV. Watch The Bear with C, maybe make some soup. I need a break. B leaves tomorrow night and my house will be mine for a day before I leave. But first, I need a shower.

ANA Y1 D130

Captain's log stardate 10.04.22. We are enroute to the gamma quadrant where we will intercept with another life form and spend three days being happy. The crew is understandably on edge with anticipation. It will be another 80 hours until we reach our destination but we all know it will be worth it.

I don't know if absence makes the heart grow fonder, but it certainly makes the mind go floopy. 

I'm a bit fuzzy this morning for some reason. Not tired or hung or sick just not fully here. I think I am mentally all about this weekend already. I do just have to make it a few more days and I can see C again. I have been mindful of my thoughts the last couple of days. What am I feeling? Why am I feeling this? Is this healthy? Is this good for me? All sorts of deep pondering. 

Yesterday was October 3rd. Me and B watched Mean Girls because it's what you're supposed to do. It was weird watching a movie with them. We were at complete opposite ends of the couch. We didn't talk the whole time. The distance between us grows wider with each day. Their ding, not mine. I still try to interact but don't feel like it's worth the energy. There's no reciprocation. They are too on edge. CGF arrives on Thursday. Two days. Talk about build up and anticipation. I hope it's everything they want it to be. I know they're going through crisis right now. May they come out the other side in one piece.

Taught from 10:30 until about 6. B made chili. It was good. I will miss their chili and their soup. But it's not like I can't make my own. Ironically, C made chili last night too. She's bringing me some this weekend. Must be a Michigan thing.

We spent almost two hours on video last night. We started planning out some stuff for the weekend and we both got super excited looking at all the little shops and places we want to see. We have to make sure we don't just stay in the hotel having sex. Literally force ourselves to leave the room. Like a couple of damn teenagers we are. But I'm okay with that. Look, let's review history shall we? When was the last time I felt this much PHYSICAL attraction to someone else? Not B. Not any of the people in between X2 and B. Maybe one. We all remember my adventures in Arizona. But that was 12 years ago. How sad is that? 12 years since the thought of someone made me feel desire. X2 was a beautiful woman. I won't ever deny that. But somewhere along the lines, my needs shifted. I needed more than just physical. I needed emotional. I needed mental. B brought me that. B got me back on a path of stability. But I lost desire. I lost passion. Maybe, this time I have found the balance? I wanted B physically 8 years ago. Then they changed. I changed. We aren't those people. But without those people we couldn't have grown into these people. It was a needed step on a path. I can't ever erase or be ungrateful for that. I will always honor their role in moving me forward. As I know they will in their own way honor mine. I also know desire doesn't last. But it can stay alive. Maybe this time it will.

Furnace guy came yesterday. $1400 for 35 minutes of work. Motherfucker. But hopefully I bought myself a couple more years on this furnace. Hopefully. Cats went to the vet yesterday. Because it's been at least a week since some stupid animal didn't need fixing. The vet must have been missing us. Or my money. Antibiotics for one, steroids for another. 

More teaching today. Then group. 80 hours. I can do it.

ANA Y1 D129

Four times in a 24 hour period. Yes, we went at it again after I finished yesterday's entry. I see just how starved I have been for physical attention. I will continue to say that I absolutely understand where B is coming from when they say they need to feel desired and wanted. Where they want a partner who wants them to come back to bed in the morning. I get it. I do. I had a weekend of it and couldn't be happier. It feels good. After so many years of not wanting it, not being able to reciprocate, it feels damn good. Now, how long can I maintain this high? How long before the day to day takes over? How long before it becomes "the damn dog puked again" and "did you remember to take out the trash?". I know I am in the euphoria of the new. I see it very clearly. There is no lying to myself, there is no kidding that things will stay this way. But for right now, I am going to enjoy it, going to ride this wave all the way to the shore. Don't take this from me, okay?

After our morning romp, we went downstairs for breakfast, took a shower together, packed up our stuff. We headed out around 9:30. What should have been a 2 hour drive for me had an extra 30 minutes added thanks to the wonders of MI construction. Sure, let's turn a three lane freeway into one on a Sunday. Why not. I was so annoyed when I got home. But I got home. The remainder of the day was utilitarian. I built two cabinets for the small bathroom for B, did laundry, put all my stuff away, and the worst thing, spent 2.5 hours prepping for this week's classes. It's the rare class this week where I have to start up fucking servers. I couldn't get any to work. I was stressing out completely. But finally I got them done and ready to go. Had leftovers for dinner, caught up on some TV, played some video games, went to bed. Of course I talked with C while doing all this including video while I played video games. Went to bed around 10 because I was tired from an exhausting physical weekend. I also talked to my sister in there and the kid. Sis is doing better. They managed to sell their RV which finally allowed them to get ahead on some stuff. Very happy for her. As for the kid, her illness is starting to pass but it still has me worried. Of all the people on this planet, she doesn't deserve to be sick. Ever. 

C and I while chatting starting doing some silly future vacation planning. We both know it's way too early to be thinking of things like this but we did anyway. Iceland. Yep. Apparently the thing to eat in Iceland is hot dogs. Who knew. We were looking up local get away places and somehow ended up on an a bunch of websites of what to do in Iceland. I would definitely go there. Realistic? No. But here's a difference - B has always been afraid to go somewhere like that because they only want to go to places where people speak english. Their anxiety stops them from wanting to go some place where they won't be able to understand anyone. C and I find it thrilling. More of a we'll figure it out kind of moment. 

Speaking of B, yes I am getting there, I only saw them for 20 minutes and they jumped down my throat twice. The first time was when I was building the cabinets and they were standing there doing nothing so I asked if they wanted to help and got "No DAD, I don't need something to do". Okay. Thanks for that? I should point out that when I got home they were still asleep and didn't wake up until after 2, had that interaction with me, then went back to sleep until 6. We did have a second interaction where I asked why they had a "weird" day on Saturday. It would seem they are feeling very self conscious about their looks, about why CGF is even attracted to them, if the schooling is even worth it, etc etc. We all go through that, it's okay. On top of it, they once more are worried about what's going to happen when CGF is face to face because of the physical activity level difference. I have gotten used to them not wanting to walk around forever (unlike C where we walked all over the city on Saturday). CGF went on multiple mile hikes again all weekend which caused B to stress out. Incompatible levels of physical activity is a red flag kids. It really is. I think there "newness" is waning and they too are starting to see some things a little more clearly. I hope they can figure it out. Truly. But self-pity gets you nowhere. I am too well aware of that. I also think they were looking for me to offer them some kind of support but I was careful to not cross any lines. I didn't praise them like a spouse or partner would because it's not my job any more. Sorry. It's not. I am trying to respect boundaries. CGF lands thursday night. May they be feeling better before then. 

I need to make it through this week so I can see my baby Friday. 111 hours and I get to have a good time again. This week is going to drag so bad. I teach the next four days straight. Furnace guy is coming today. This is going to be a busy week with a good payout on Friday.

ANA Y1 D128

Well well well. It is morning and it is fucking beautiful. I had one of the best days of my life yesterday. I know you all have been waiting to hear about it. Kept you on the edge of your seat didn't I? Don't worry, the day did not disappoint. 

Left the house at 7am as planned, arrived at 9. She was waiting there already. Beat me by like 5 minutes. Made me feel good right from the start. The kiss we've both been desiring happened in the first 30 seconds and it was well worth waiting for. Believe me. We left her car at the hotel and headed downtown. We found a parking garage near what we thought was a good midpoint to the art. We walked around for hours looking at art. We got lost and turned around a few times and it was great. Even though we had "plans" we still enjoyed some flexibility and didn't feel rushed. Found a bakery and got some nice macarons. Saw some really cool art. Most of the art was for sale and there was one piece I really wanted but it was already sold. I did find some other stuff and some originals that are reasonable in price. I talked to the artist and we discussed doing a commission. I will be reaching out to him today for pricing.

Around 2 we headed to the hotel for a break. Well, that wasn't much of a break. It was sex. Lots of sex. For 2.5 hours. It was a bit awkward at first because what first time with a new partner isn't? But we found our groove. As I process it, I realize that I felt closer to C on this first encounter than I did with the gf or even with B so many years ago. I don't know what that says about things, but it is what it is. After the first and second rounds, we decided we needed food if we were going to do anything else. We found an incredible, reasonably priced place nearby and had a great dinner. I had a fancy grilled cheese with goat cheese tomato soup. She had a philly cheesesteak that looked fantastic. For dessert we shared a slice of white chocolate raspberry cheesecake. 

After dinner we had to stop at an Ulta because we both needed a couple of products. We got back to the hotel around 8 and went at it again until 11. Back home, I got a message from B around 2am saying they had a weird day, there was bacon in the fridge, and that they loved me. I feel sad for them. I have a feeling that once more the reality of life is starting to hit home. My heart does still have room for them, it always will. Heck, one of the things I bought yesterday was for them. But I do worry how things will be when I get home. Hopefully it will be okay.

Okay. Waffle time.

ANA Y1 D127

The weekend is finally here!! I finally get to see C in person! I get to spend the night with her! Holy fuck I am excited. Talked to my therapist about this yesterday. We discussed how important this time around I make sure that besides feeling emotionally and mentally attracted to someone that I factor in the physical connection or I will find myself right back where I started. Well kids, I am massively physically excited to be spending the weekend with C right now. Like flipping out at the prospect. This is insane. I feel like a giddy teenager. Last night me and C were talking and it's only been two weeks since we started really getting hot and heavy, but we have talked for 6-8 hours a day in some shape or form so it's like we've been on 20+ dates already. It's been about a month and a half since we first met. 8/25 is the day they reached out to me to say hi. We've known each other through mutual stuff longer, but that's our date. 

Yesterday I went to therapy, had good discussions about everything happening here. I've noticed the shift in therapy. Less talking about B and more talking about me. The way it should be. Right now I am a little pissed at B. They promised they would give me a pedicure last night but instead one of theirs came over and the two of them sat downstairs until 1am watching TV. Whatever. Don't need them anyway. I really don't. I need me. This is something we also discussed in therapy. That even without C, I'm going to be just fine. Because if there is one person who likes me, there are more. There will always be more. 

Had my lashes touched up for this weekend. I look good. Came back, did some work, did some work around the house. I got all of the books out of the basement. It's my upstairs, there downstairs now. I only need to really go down there to use the laundry or the freezer. Now to just get through the next 3 or 4 months and it will be my house. All mine. What a weird concept. Talked with C and played video games together, went to bed at 10. Slept like shit from excitement though.

Bills are paid, things are done, time to live and thrive. No more live and survive.