ANA Y1 D132

 I have already been up for 45 minutes but talked to three different people, did all my downloads, and finally can focus on my shit. Getting stretched too thin. Need to set boundaries. Funny enough, I discussed that in therapy yesterday. Go figure. I had therapy yesterday since I have too much to do tomorrow morning. I discussed how I have taken something from every relationship of significance I have been in. X1 taught me that I have self worth and don't need to be treated like shit to be loved. X2 taught me the value of planning and how much better life can be when you have your shit together. B has shown me it's okay to be my authentic self. Now, I am putting all those pieces together with C. Figuring out how to have it all. For some crazy reason she likes me. A lot. Like L word a lot. I am good with this. Really fucking good. I see all the pieces of the puzzle coming together. I see someone I can be happy with for as long as they want me as my true authentic self. Every past relationship mistake examined, analyzed, and lessons learned. Now, I can go forward and continue my growth and journey. I bring much less baggage into this one than I ever did. I come in with no secrets, no dark objects in the corner. I just hope she doesn't tire of me or finds my mental illnesses too much to handle. I'm still the same OCD, ADHD, BPD bitch I've always been. But I'm trying. I am trying so hard to be healthy, happy, mindful, and present. I want to be all these things with her every day. I don't care how long we have together. Six months, six years, six decades. I will enjoy every fucking minute of it. I am being so upfront and honest with her about everything. Boundaries. Oddities. Lifestyle. Wants. Needs. I have never let myself be this vulnerable. It scares the fuck out of me. But I feel safe? Safer than I have with B in the last two years. Safer than I ever felt with other partners ever. I couldn't get this close to gf ever. She's posting pictures of her fucking kids and I just think about how I dodged that bullet. C deleted pictures off the internet for her own mental health last night but I swear to god, it touched me more than it should have. I'm raw inside right now. I cry from joy. I have been missing this connection so much. B is still my friend. They are still an important person to me, but they drift further each day. Last night we watched Jersey Shore but they were a million miles away. I literally could have been watching it alone. I am sad for them. They are struggling so much on their journey and I can't help any more. My therapist and I both agree, they're not my burden to carry any more. They made these choices and need to move forward on their own. I have a path. I have a new hand to hold down that path. A hand that brings together so many different angles and pieces of the puzzle. They say when you are reincarnated, you focus on things you messed up before. Is that me? Am I being reincarnated in each relationship so I can focus and finally put it all together? Have I done it? Is this my final form? I'd like to hope it is. I feel strongly it's the closest I have ever been to achieving nirvana. The physical is there. The mental is there. The emotional is there. C is responsible. She has a good brain. She has artistic talent. Shared passions. Shared desires. Baggage, sure. But nothing unmanageable. Nothing that can't be sorted and figured out. Nothing that scares me. Just the fucking opposite. I've never been happier.

In other news, I taught all day, and finished around 6. Made dinner. Gave the dog a bath. We planned out our stay in November. 8 full days. We get to play house. Let's see how that goes. Let's see if the day to day scares them away. Me in my natural habitat. Okay,. I need to get moving here or I will spend the whole fucking day analyzing everything I have ever done wrong in my life.

B leaves tonight. Godspeed and good luck. Seriously I am okay with it. Sadly I am okay with it. May they get past their own hurdles and mental issues. May they live their own authentic life.