ANA Y1 D136

In less than 150 days, or 5 months for those of you following along at home, my life has taken the weirdest trajectory. Twists and turns have brought me here. Where is here? Somewhere safe? Somewhere comfortable? Somewhere happy? Some place where my head isn't screaming 24 hours a day?

I'm wearing the fuzzy jacket she bought me yesterday. It has her smell on it. I crave that smell. The taste of her skin. 

I don't mind the sun sometimes, the images it shows
I can taste you on my lips and smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and sugary and softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look through other people's eye

This feeling can last. Especially when it's been taken from you for so long. She's already awake. She's on my schedule. Do you know how long it's been since someone has been on MY schedule? Since someone has told me they're IN love with me?? Me. The trash panda. The greasy goblin. The failure. The insane. For some dumb reason, this woman loves me. Is she taking me for a ride? Don't know, don't care. Let me have the high. I have learned so many lessons over the last twenty years. I have learned what not to do. What to do. What makes me happy. What makes me yearn. I am where I am supposed to be.

We got up, packed up the room, went to breakfast. After breakfast we checked out and went back to Saugatuck. She bought me the fuzzy coat. I bought her a fuzzy coat. We got her mom a gift. She sent me a pic when she got home of her mom crying that someone brought her home something. I see where C gets her emotions from. I like it. They have a good relationship. No trauma from mama. We walked. We talked. We sat by the water and enjoyed the day. Around 2 we parted ways. Not without some tears I might add.

Took me 2.5 hours to get home. Came home to an empty house. I was actually happy about that. It's my house. I didn't have to answer to anyone. I didn't have to talk to anyone. I didn't have to put someone else's stuff away. Oh wait, I did. I was left dishes. Thanks. Especially since I made sure the dishwasher was empty before I left. Go figure. Put away all my stuff and ordered some noodles for dinner. Hung my tiki bar sign. I fucking love it. It glows so scary. Puts me in a red light that I love. 

I slept but tossed and turned. I miss having a body next to me. Some of us do better as a pair than a single. We know this about me. How many entries in this blog are me complaining about longing for human connection and touch. Now I taste it. It's so close. I've lost it. I have regained it. I will never lose it again. 

We talked. We saw each other. We went to our separate beds but not alone. We know the other is thinking of us. 

Never again. I told you all - this time I will kill to protect what I believe in. Even it means killing myself.