Captain's log stardate 10.04.22. We are enroute to the gamma quadrant where we will intercept with another life form and spend three days being happy. The crew is understandably on edge with anticipation. It will be another 80 hours until we reach our destination but we all know it will be worth it.
I don't know if absence makes the heart grow fonder, but it certainly makes the mind go floopy.
I'm a bit fuzzy this morning for some reason. Not tired or hung or sick just not fully here. I think I am mentally all about this weekend already. I do just have to make it a few more days and I can see C again. I have been mindful of my thoughts the last couple of days. What am I feeling? Why am I feeling this? Is this healthy? Is this good for me? All sorts of deep pondering.
Yesterday was October 3rd. Me and B watched Mean Girls because it's what you're supposed to do. It was weird watching a movie with them. We were at complete opposite ends of the couch. We didn't talk the whole time. The distance between us grows wider with each day. Their ding, not mine. I still try to interact but don't feel like it's worth the energy. There's no reciprocation. They are too on edge. CGF arrives on Thursday. Two days. Talk about build up and anticipation. I hope it's everything they want it to be. I know they're going through crisis right now. May they come out the other side in one piece.
Taught from 10:30 until about 6. B made chili. It was good. I will miss their chili and their soup. But it's not like I can't make my own. Ironically, C made chili last night too. She's bringing me some this weekend. Must be a Michigan thing.
We spent almost two hours on video last night. We started planning out some stuff for the weekend and we both got super excited looking at all the little shops and places we want to see. We have to make sure we don't just stay in the hotel having sex. Literally force ourselves to leave the room. Like a couple of damn teenagers we are. But I'm okay with that. Look, let's review history shall we? When was the last time I felt this much PHYSICAL attraction to someone else? Not B. Not any of the people in between X2 and B. Maybe one. We all remember my adventures in Arizona. But that was 12 years ago. How sad is that? 12 years since the thought of someone made me feel desire. X2 was a beautiful woman. I won't ever deny that. But somewhere along the lines, my needs shifted. I needed more than just physical. I needed emotional. I needed mental. B brought me that. B got me back on a path of stability. But I lost desire. I lost passion. Maybe, this time I have found the balance? I wanted B physically 8 years ago. Then they changed. I changed. We aren't those people. But without those people we couldn't have grown into these people. It was a needed step on a path. I can't ever erase or be ungrateful for that. I will always honor their role in moving me forward. As I know they will in their own way honor mine. I also know desire doesn't last. But it can stay alive. Maybe this time it will.
Furnace guy came yesterday. $1400 for 35 minutes of work. Motherfucker. But hopefully I bought myself a couple more years on this furnace. Hopefully. Cats went to the vet yesterday. Because it's been at least a week since some stupid animal didn't need fixing. The vet must have been missing us. Or my money. Antibiotics for one, steroids for another.
More teaching today. Then group. 80 hours. I can do it.
No comments:
Post a Comment