ANA Y1 D147

For the first time in a month I don't get to see C this weekend. That makes me sad to be honest. We will get through this until November, I know, but it sucks. Here's something interesting - I was going back and reading early posts. I was looking for the first real mentions of B. Almost ten years ago. I can see the point where the posts became more and more about them. But I wrote this on January 15th 2013:

Love. Love a lot. Love often. Fall in love fast and with every fiber of your being. Seriously. And I am not talking to Jesus love thy neighbor crap. Nor am I saying being kind to everyone because some people are just peasants and not worthy. I mean the person you want to be with. Love them. Find them and love them. Love them for as long as it lasts too. Stop worrying about 'is this the one' or 'are they my life partner'. Because the more you worry about finding 'the one' you end up with NO ONE. I would rather love a thousand times in my life and deal with a thousand broken hearts than to never try at all. So the next time you see that cute girl in the bar, or that guy walking down the street - take a fucking chance. Say hi. Ask them out. Love them. Love them with everything you got. Be theirs. You say to me though, what f it ends? Yeah so? It ends. Take something away from it. Learn from it. And then do it again. And again and again. People leave. People die. People change. Stop worrying about if they are going to be here tomorrow and love them today. Love them right now. If you have someone, turn to them right now and tell them you fucking love them. Hold their hand. Smile for them. Write a message in the steam on the mirror while they are taking a shower. Love their laugh, love their smile, love them. Because yeah, they might not be here tomorrow and it is going to hurt like a son of a bitch. You are going to dwell and contemplate everything you did wrong only to realize you did nothing wrong. Things happen. You don't blame yourself if your significant other gets in a car accident on the way home and dies do you? Well you shouldn't. But either way, they're gone. So it doesn't matter how is the point. Enjoy the goddamn moment. Enjoy a million moments. You will have adventures and stories and memories. You will be a better person in the end. They will be better people from having been with you. The next person they love will know they are this way because of someone who loved them before. The same for you. So get out there today and fall in love. Fall head over heels weak in the knees brain dead in love. I know I plan to…

Some things never change, do they? I still believe every word of that. But somewhere I lost it with B. I have found myself again in C. I am this person again. I am back to knowing love and not day to day arguments. C and I spent nearly 8 hours together online. We have had 1000 dates in such a short time. I feel I know parts of them that I don't know about myself. At the same time, I have opened up more than I have ever in my life. They seem to bring this out of me. I am in some ways still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sorry for the pause. I went back and did some more reading. People don't change do they? I read back to 2013 and saw some things that I should have recognized as red flags. Yet, I ignored them. Am I doing the same thing now? Are there red flags in front of my face that I am choosing not to see? I don't know. I don't want to examine my life right now. Can I just be happy? 

I had a webinar pre show yesterday. Goddamn it. I am circling back to this other stuff. I am reading and re-reading about my own life. It feels weird. It's me but not me. I can sense how just under the surface of my writing is something lurking. Something dark. My dark passenger if you will. It just coasts and sometimes rears its head. We are the sum of all we experience. We must learn and grow. We must never be complete. 

I don't want to type any more. I want to crawl back in my brain. I want to go back to bed. I want to play a little game...

Once, I had a little game
I like to crawl back in my brain
I think you know the game I mean?
I mean the game called go insane
Now you should try this little game
Just close your eyes, forget your name
Forget the world, forget the people
And we'll erect a different steeple
This little game is fun to do
Just close your eyes, no way to lose
And I'm right here, I'm going too
 Release control, we're breaking through