ANA Y1 D129

Four times in a 24 hour period. Yes, we went at it again after I finished yesterday's entry. I see just how starved I have been for physical attention. I will continue to say that I absolutely understand where B is coming from when they say they need to feel desired and wanted. Where they want a partner who wants them to come back to bed in the morning. I get it. I do. I had a weekend of it and couldn't be happier. It feels good. After so many years of not wanting it, not being able to reciprocate, it feels damn good. Now, how long can I maintain this high? How long before the day to day takes over? How long before it becomes "the damn dog puked again" and "did you remember to take out the trash?". I know I am in the euphoria of the new. I see it very clearly. There is no lying to myself, there is no kidding that things will stay this way. But for right now, I am going to enjoy it, going to ride this wave all the way to the shore. Don't take this from me, okay?

After our morning romp, we went downstairs for breakfast, took a shower together, packed up our stuff. We headed out around 9:30. What should have been a 2 hour drive for me had an extra 30 minutes added thanks to the wonders of MI construction. Sure, let's turn a three lane freeway into one on a Sunday. Why not. I was so annoyed when I got home. But I got home. The remainder of the day was utilitarian. I built two cabinets for the small bathroom for B, did laundry, put all my stuff away, and the worst thing, spent 2.5 hours prepping for this week's classes. It's the rare class this week where I have to start up fucking servers. I couldn't get any to work. I was stressing out completely. But finally I got them done and ready to go. Had leftovers for dinner, caught up on some TV, played some video games, went to bed. Of course I talked with C while doing all this including video while I played video games. Went to bed around 10 because I was tired from an exhausting physical weekend. I also talked to my sister in there and the kid. Sis is doing better. They managed to sell their RV which finally allowed them to get ahead on some stuff. Very happy for her. As for the kid, her illness is starting to pass but it still has me worried. Of all the people on this planet, she doesn't deserve to be sick. Ever. 

C and I while chatting starting doing some silly future vacation planning. We both know it's way too early to be thinking of things like this but we did anyway. Iceland. Yep. Apparently the thing to eat in Iceland is hot dogs. Who knew. We were looking up local get away places and somehow ended up on an a bunch of websites of what to do in Iceland. I would definitely go there. Realistic? No. But here's a difference - B has always been afraid to go somewhere like that because they only want to go to places where people speak english. Their anxiety stops them from wanting to go some place where they won't be able to understand anyone. C and I find it thrilling. More of a we'll figure it out kind of moment. 

Speaking of B, yes I am getting there, I only saw them for 20 minutes and they jumped down my throat twice. The first time was when I was building the cabinets and they were standing there doing nothing so I asked if they wanted to help and got "No DAD, I don't need something to do". Okay. Thanks for that? I should point out that when I got home they were still asleep and didn't wake up until after 2, had that interaction with me, then went back to sleep until 6. We did have a second interaction where I asked why they had a "weird" day on Saturday. It would seem they are feeling very self conscious about their looks, about why CGF is even attracted to them, if the schooling is even worth it, etc etc. We all go through that, it's okay. On top of it, they once more are worried about what's going to happen when CGF is face to face because of the physical activity level difference. I have gotten used to them not wanting to walk around forever (unlike C where we walked all over the city on Saturday). CGF went on multiple mile hikes again all weekend which caused B to stress out. Incompatible levels of physical activity is a red flag kids. It really is. I think there "newness" is waning and they too are starting to see some things a little more clearly. I hope they can figure it out. Truly. But self-pity gets you nowhere. I am too well aware of that. I also think they were looking for me to offer them some kind of support but I was careful to not cross any lines. I didn't praise them like a spouse or partner would because it's not my job any more. Sorry. It's not. I am trying to respect boundaries. CGF lands thursday night. May they be feeling better before then. 

I need to make it through this week so I can see my baby Friday. 111 hours and I get to have a good time again. This week is going to drag so bad. I teach the next four days straight. Furnace guy is coming today. This is going to be a busy week with a good payout on Friday.