I broke down a new barrier last night. I shared something with C that I have never shared with another human being in my life. I opened myself up like an autopsy patient. I bared my soul. In my entire life, not even here, have I ever talked about certain bedroom things. I am not about to start with all of you. But I told her. I trust her so implicitly. It amazes me some days how one human being has been able to rip down walls that have been reinforced for so many years. Walls that no woman has ever been able to get around. Walls that I thought I would keep up until the grave. Yet here I am. Here I am open like a wound. Open to take the salt that could be poured in. I am not afraid though. I am empowered. I don't know what to do with this knowledge. I do know that I have waited a long time to feel this much vulnerability. Is this what normal people feel like in relationships? Is this why they are able to maintain and sustain things? Is this what I have been missing my entire goddamn life? Have all the years of abuse, shame, fear stopped me from experiencing true freedom and emotion? Maybe. But no more. I will not hide in the shadows of my own heart. I will not stop myself from feeling. I will not allow only darkness and anger to be my guides. I will embrace this. And if I burn, then so be it. I burn knowing for even a brief moment I was free. I was alive truly for the first time in my whole fucking life. I tasted the heat of the sun. I let it burn me to my core. And I went back for more.
Okay maybe I watched a viking movie last night and maybe it is still in my brain. Fucking sue me. I mean these words. But I am feeling extra poetic and dramatic today thanks to the movie. If you ever want to watch an EPIC movie, The Northman. One of C's friends called it boring. Um, I don't know what the fuck you were watching, but boring is not the word I would use. We had some technical issues, some pauses, and it took us four hours to watch a two hour movie, but I would watch it again in a heartbeat. We tried to watch a second because I was so invigorated after the first, but we couldn't do it.
I downloaded a new sleep app on C's recommendation and it's pretty good. It tracks snoring, sleep cycles, etc. I slept 5 hours last night and snored for nearly 4 of those. Good job you stupid body. Piece of shit. I am too fat. I need to lose at least 50 pounds. I weighed myself yesterday and this is not hyperbole. If I lose the weight, the snoring stops, the sleep apnea goes. Maybe then I can sleep more than 5 hours? I sleep good with her. I sleep deep. I sleep unafraid of the shadows. But only with her.
Had a good talk with B last night. We discussed Thanksgiving. They come home at like 7pm on that day and it wouldn't be fair to C to have to drive home and miss the holiday with me. Basically I told B to extend their trip until Friday or even monday. After discussion they said "why don't I just stay until mid-December and drive home with her?". Um, go for it? A full month without you here? Where do I sign up?? I don't expect C to stay that whole time, but it sure makes things easier. B also started telling me about houses they are looking at. What area, what specs, etc. They will be moving in with A. The only question is when. They don't want to go from being one person's burden to another. I made it very clear that if they move out, they need to start paying me. At the very least I want $650. Car payment and health insurance. On top of that, no more using my gas card and no more bi-weekly cash. So there's a grand I am saving right out of the gate. But that's the deal. I am not going to pay for someone who isn't around to help me with this house. No matter how small a contribution, it is principle. If you're living with her, then you ARE her burden and not mine. I want my life and I want my retribution. I just want what's coming to me.
Taught yesterday too in all this. Last day with this group. They were good. We had a good time. I will miss them. Hopefully we will have more sessions together. I seem to be getting some good groups lately. Not all of them, but enough to offset the annoying ones.
Maybe I am just happier in general.
Today is a webinar at 2. Until then, I need more rest. Watch some bad tv, talk with C, keep my strength up. I am not through this shit entirely yet. I can feel it. My nose is blocked and I did cough during the night. Almost through it. I can feel it.
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