ANA Y1 D67

Yesterday was annoying. That's the best word I can use. Oh and I should mention, things are at the point where I took a Buspar this morning. Tired of the crippling anxiety at 5am. I know I shouldn't start my day medicated, but how is this any different that B starting the day by smoking pot? I have to be able to function and if this is what it will take, then so be it. I should have taken one before bed too if I am being honest. I went to bed at 10:45, laid awake until 11:15, slept until 12, B came in to the bedroom, I fell back to sleep until I heard them get up to go into the guest room to masturbate 20 minutes later (yes, I know what you're doing, you're not slick Cosmo), fell back to sleep until 2, woke up at 3:30, fell back to sleep until 5. So yeah, should have taken one last night too.

Back to yesterday. I got up, took my time, washed my hair, relaxed, but was constantly on edge waiting for them to wake up. They were supposed to go out and hang with R. So I planned my afternoon and evening activities around them not being home. I was going to hang out with MCGF for a little while, get some tacos at a new Mexican street food place, masturbate (what? I can't do that??), go to bed early. Nope. None of that came to pass. When they got up at noon, they found out their plans had been cancelled and now they were home all day. Ugh. Another day of pretending to be civil towards each other and act like I want to be here. Which I don't. 

We did have yet another fucking discussion. Look, I know it's good we communicate but right now we're just rehashing the same shit and it's driving me nuts. Not going to lie. We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year. Running over the same old ground, what have we found? The same old fears. Wish you here. 

We talked about how the meds are dulling their creativity. We talked about how there are things we need to change in the house to improve our quality of life. We did not talk about us. The only thing I give a shit about. If you haven't figured it out yet, deep down, I don't want them to go. I do love them. I might not like them right now, but I do love them. They are a part of me. They give me hope and joy, well not right now, but before. I can't take losing them. It's too much. We did go have the street food I wanted. That was quite tasty. I like that I found a new place to eat. But if we do divorce, I can't handle seeing them around town. That's also killing me. I will have to move. Or they will. One of us has to go. Oh, we also talked about how we would kill ourselves. Yeah, that was a dark conversation. Both of us agree, guns, knives, and pills are off the table. Too much of a chance that it will go wrong. Because even if we didn't succeed, we would try again. And again. And again. So it has to be one shot, one time, clean. THAT'S where we are right now.

Luckily we were saved more anguish of having to talk as one of our friends came over and we got to focus on their life drama. Thank god. They hung out with us from like 6:30 until about 10. It was a needed distraction. Today they have therapy. Maybe more progress will be made. Maybe not. I have group so I get to be out here around 6:15 and won't be home until 11. I can go straight to bed. Then tomorrow I am going out to see MCGF finally. I am excited for that.