ANA Y1 D90

Well, at some point I'm going to start renumbering things again. You'll understand why in a minute.

We are getting divorced. It's official. Yay I'm Ross Geller. But we're going to do it in our own weird way. We've decided that I can't live with the guilt of them failing, they know they can't leave tomorrow and be okay, and we want to ease into it to make sure we walk away as friends. We will work on getting B established on a career path. We will work on getting them a place to live. We will work on switching over bills as they get employed. I know this doesn't make sense to some of you. But look, I do still love them. They still love me. We just don't well together any more. That's okay. The plan will be to start getting things situated here in the house. Get rid of the axolotls for example. Figure out what they get from the house. Things like that. We had a two hour talk last night at 2am. There was crying, there was no anger for once though. No yelling. Just a heartfelt discussion of what the future will look like. They also acknowledge this is my house. They get no claim on it. I don't have to move unless I want to move. That will be decided later. I might move somewhere. I don't know yet. Maybe closer to my sister. Maybe closer to the kid. We also agreed to share more of our lives so we know what's going on with each other. The big "revelation" finally was them admitting they're in love with CGF. Now they can work towards being someone worthy of having a relationship with CGF. We get them established on their own and when CGF comes back from Alaska, maybe they go and pursue something. I'm okay with all this.

I did hurt myself finally yesterday. I have the scars now of these 9 years. I took a knife and tested to see if I could cut the skin. I can. I won't show you all a picture, but it's pretty bad. I'm ashamed and not at the same time. I did what I needed to do. 

I don't know how I feel right now. Relieved that it's all out in the open I guess? Relieved I know what the future will bring to some degree? No more guessing what's going on in their head. No more games. We will figure this out. We will move forward. For a while, that will be together. But there's an end plan. There's a finality to it. I will survive. I always do.

Fuck it, here's a pic: