I don't know if it's because we are slowly starting to come out the other side of everything, or because B had a date Thursday (had sex?) and felt wanted again, or if it's because the meds are finally stabilizing (gee, a little over a week, just like I said it would take), but yesterday was one of the better days we've had in 2 weeks since everything went down. Plain and simple.
I was all prepared to spend the night at our friend's last night. But here I am sitting in my office, typing from home as it should be. In the morning I went to therapy and had a decent session. We're still traipsing over the same old ground, but what do you expect when it is the forefront of everything going on? Honestly, it's all that consumes me right now. Figuring out how to move forward with or without my spouse. I don't know yet which of those it will be, but if yesterday was any indication, I still have a sliver of hope. Although I had a bad moment in the morning. Was banging my head against the shower wall hard enough that I drew blood. I told my therapist I feel I need to atone for my sins. I have finally reached a stage in my life where I understand self-flagellation. How fucking sad is that?
When I got back, B wasn't up. I did a little of this, little of that. Nothing concrete or solid. B woke up around 12:30, went to the chiropractor. While they were gone, I washed the blanket on the bed. When I woke up they were back and working on some art they've been doing. They asked me if it was alright if our friend came over while I was out of the house so they could watch a show together. I didn't and still don't understand why they felt the need to ask? The paranoid side of me says I am being set up and it's all leading towards them being together in the future. Why do I say that? Something else happened later that struck me as odd. You'll see. I said of course, it's not problem. They were planning on going to dinner before hand. Still, no issue. I was planning to be out of there around 6:30 or so.
Well, a few minutes later B asks if I want to go to dinner with them. I guess they messaged each other and I don't know which one suggested it, but they invited me to join. Okay. We watched some more tv together while we waited. Our talks were casual and basic, but we talked. When our friend arrived, we headed to Cheesecake Factory. He had a $50 gift card he wanted to use up. It was an hour wait from when we got there, and we walked the mall to kill time. They text you when your table is ready these days. We all chatted and B got a couple of things they needed. All good.
At dinner, our friend said he had a question to ask me. He asked if B could go to a wedding with him in September as his date. I was perplexed why he asked. Honestly. B said it was their idea because they were trying to make sure I didn't feel awkward or weirded out. Well, I felt more weirded out by them asking. I flat out said "our you two dating?". No. "Are you two fucking?". No. Okay then, why do I care? You've known each other for 20 years. Your friends and your friend needs a date for a family event, who you've also known for 20 years. Go. But combine this with the earlier thing of them including me in dinner, it makes me wonder what's going on. I know, that's paranoid and wrong, but it doesn't change anything. At this point it was getting too late for me to go to our friend's house and I told B that. They said it was fine if I stayed home. I clearly wasn't ruining any secret plans for them to fuck once I left the house. It's all so strange. I know I am not in the best headspace, but it was just too many little things all at once. I will stop now. Let it go. We got back to the house around 10:30, hung out. It was too late to watch the show I guess because our friend left a little after midnight. B went to bed and I went downstairs for a while. I have been chatting with biker boy. That's the new friend from group. New name I guess is BB. BB is a transman and we just had a vibe. I need more local friends. We arranged a coffee meet for ourselves for Sunday around 2 or 3. Looking forward to helping me to distract from home life because B is leaving earlier than that and this time will be gone for the week. Got into bed around 1, pill free, and went to sleep.
Only woke up twice. Once at 3 something and again at 5. I went back to sleep until almost 6:30. B was in bed both times I woke up. And asleep for once. So again, maybe we are moving forward finally. Will it be with me? I don't know, but we're being civil and kind to each other which is a big improvement. Today there's nothing planned until the night time. We're all going to the club together. Even B. They asked if they were still invited. Um, of course. It will be a big group of us. They also have a coffee meeting planned in the afternoon with a new friend. Just friend because like me, they need more. I get that for sure. Otherwise, let's see how the morning time goes and if it is another civil day.
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