ANA Y1 D68

 I got 90 minutes of sleep. Why? Because I was on B alert all night. Why? Fucking CGF. Yep. Just when you think the drama and trauma are over. And B questions why I did what I did. But let's back up, shall we?

I worked on a new module yesterday. From like 5 until 2 or 3. I was focused and got through quite a bit. During that time I was down in my hole and B didn't get up until noon, just in time for their 1pm therapy appointment. I popped a Buspar yesterday and today to keep the anxiety at bay. I wait to go upstairs after their appointment on purpose so as not to start anything. They say they're fine. Okay. At like 3:30 their friend comes over and they go get a Slurpee. Surprisingly, they bring me back one. I am pleasantly pleased and genuinely surprised. We all sit and talk until it's time for me to leave for group around 5:45. I stop on the way to pick up one of the women in group who needed a ride. I get there around 6:30 and have a good time in group. 

After we go to our normal place and guess who shows up? That's right! B! I had invited them earlier mostly figuring they wouldn't show. Again, two surprises in one day. But this time I can tell something is off. They're not fully there, they are snappy towards me (and only me), and as usual, they're glued to their phone. I said something and they bit my head off. Many of the people at the table noticed but were polite enough to be embarrassed for me. They leave before I do as we drove separate and I have to take my friend home. I get home around 11:30 and they're at the table all mopey. I ask what's wrong, get "nothing" as the response, so I push my luck and ask again. Whelp, CGF and them have "parted ways" yet again. Apparently hanging out all day Saturday was too much for CGF. Look, when will the two of you just admit that the feelings are deeper than you care to acknowledge. Hell, B was looking at fucking jobs in Seattle. I mean seriously bitch. Just up and say you want to run off with CGF and have this lesbian life. Just. Fucking. Admit. It. Even if it's only a fantasy, just admit they mean more to you than you let on. Because I was now worried about them. They got into bed a little after midnight without a word and proceeded to lay there on the phone doom scrolling. I stayed awake the whole time because I didn't trust them to do something stupid. I dozed off for like 10 minutes until I felt them get up at 1:40. I went into the other room to see what they were doing. Sorry, I am checking on you, yes. They came back to bed at 2, and stayed awake. I also stayed awake until 3:30. Slept until 4:50. I don't know when they fell asleep, but I tried my best. They were in bed when I got up and appeared to be asleep. It might have been a ruse though because I just heard them coughing and the sounds of movement like 20 minutes ago. I have been up for an hour but for some reason am moving slowly. 

So yeah. 

I have an insanely busy day. Doc appt at 9. Vet at 10:20. Then going to see MCGF in the afternoon. We have no explicit plans but I don't care. I need to spend time with someone who actually wants me around and doesn't see me as the enemy. Somewhere in there I need to finish this new module. Each day is its own challenge and I don't know how many more of them I can take.