ANA Y1 D70

I couldn't sleep last night. Just it wouldn't come. I fucking hate insomnia. When you have insomnia you're not really awake or asleep. You're just there. That was me last night. Just there. I really didn't have a reason not to sleep? I think it was the drugs. Restlessness, nervousness, and unusual excitement are listed as initial side effects of buspirone. So it was probably that. I took it so I didn't wake up this morning with anxiety. So far that plan seems to be working. I have about 5 hours until a second dose can be taken which means it's still solidly in my system. Hence why I am actually okay this morning while typing all this out.

Yesterday I did some work in the morning, went around 2 to pick up my new pills, came back as B was packing up to head out for the rest of the day. They were gone from around 3 until 11:30. As I said, trying to minimize path crossing. In total we spent maybe 20 minutes awake and in the same room yesterday. Fuck, when I type it out and realize it, that fucking sucks. FUCK. I hate this. I really do. They didn't spend the whole time with their date. They first went to their grandparents for a visit. They didn't get to the date until 5 or 6 from what I can piece together. Fucking technology telling me where someone is at all times. Realistically they spent 5 hours or so at the date's place. Which means it wasn't a "date", it was a smoke and fuck. They even wore makeup which they haven't done in a very long time. I guess they like this girl? Fucking lesbians fucking on the first date. To be fair I am kind of just poking fun and joshing on this. I really don't care about the fucking? Like I did it Wednesday night? But at least it was technically our 3rd date. We followed the rules. Plus we really did date things? We didn't just hang out, get high, and have sex. I don't know. Doesn't matter. No seriously, it doesn't matter. My point was they came home at a reasonable time, there was no drama, so why couldn't I sleep? I was up and down until 3. Two hours again. 

While they were gone, I ordered in sushi, and watched a new show. I watched Paper Girls. Really good. I made it six episodes in. Could have finished given that I couldn't sleep. I should have just finished it. Oh well. Something for today. I chatted online with a bunch of people, MCGF included. I also made a new friend from group and we are trying to meet up Sunday just to hang out. They were supposed to message me last night but didn't. Oh well. I don't want to be pushy and message them, but if I don't hear from them by this afternoon, I might. Just a quick hi. I have also been trying to meet up with a new friend from Bumble. 

I shared with my group yesterday how this time around things are different. I mean, let's be real, this is a carbon copy of what happened 13 years ago. X2 left in the middle of the night and that was that. They left, I moved out, life happened. But there are big differences this time so I should be okay? Some differences:

• B is not sneaking away in the middle of the night
• This is a controlled test of a limited number of days
• I already have someone to keep me sane and provide physical touch
• I'm not leaving the house
• I know where they're going to be and it will be with a safe, neutral friend
• I have a support group, a therapist, and a doctor who gives me drugs

BUT the biggest and most important? I have real friends right here I can turn to for help. Last time I've come to realize just how shallow and fake some of my friendships were. These weren't my real friends. They were people who owned businesses who acted friendly towards me. These were employees at said businesses. Sure, I had a couple of people, but they never really knew me. They knew surface me and the me that was trying to keep it all together. The people I know now have seen me fall apart. They know the pain I am going through. They are neutral in this fight but ready to support me and in some cases B. I have deeper, closer friendships with people not only here, but people a short trip away. People I KNOW would come to me if I needed them. One messaged me last night at 12:30am and apologized because they were on vacation and didn't message me sooner. This is what I am talking about. Real friends who I can be open and honest with this time. So yeah, I will get through this no matter the outcome. I have to.

Okay so today. Going to therapy. Coming home and doing not much. Heading to my friend's tonight to spend the night. Give B space. My understanding is they are staying home for some downtime and alone time. Good. They need it. I would like to come out of this better. I do wonder though, how would things be right now if I just hadn't reached out to CGF. But I can't ponder what ifs. I don't have time for that shit anymore. Time to pay bills. And apparently the piper.