ANA Y1 D91

I survived the night. Hell, I survived the day. Fuck, I survived. I didn't hurt myself any more. I am still wrapping my head around the straight up fact that I'm getting divorced. Again. But it's not happening tomorrow. Or even next week. We both have to remind ourselves to slow down. That's the point of this. Walk away friends. We're even planning one last matching tattoo. Yes, you heard me. One last reminder of our time together. Go back and read - I never expected this to last, did I? I always said 10 years. It will be 10 years since we started first talking in December. The goal we established last night is to make sure B is settled and situated by their birthday. So Feb of 2023. But in that time, we're going to live our own lives to some degree. We will make time for each other. We will still share the responsibilities of this home together. I know it's weird. But we don't want to be apart. We really don't. We just don't work well enough together any more. I'm popping Wellbutrin again. It's okay. I'm going to be okay. I have friends. I have family. I have plans. I have a therapist who I get to explain all this to today. Took 54 years but I am on a path for me. What do I have? Another 20? Maybe 30? I will find a companion. I'm not worried about that. I am not alone. Someone like me when I choose it, will never be alone. Right?

Yesterday was actually a good day finally. We broke through and started treating each other like human beings again. CGF came over for one final goodbye. But it's not. They will be back in 4 months. B will be better then too. B will be someone worthy of CGF's love. I mean that. I told B if they end up together I think it will be good for both of them. The people they are seeing now are just flings. There's no future with them. We did promise each other that for the short term to make sure we don't 'fall in love' with anyone else. Why? Because we don't want that getting in the way. I don't want to kick B out prematurely and they don't want to screw up the plans they have laid out. God I wish this pill would kick in a little faster. It's always when I start typing that the anxiety hits harder. Because writing makes me focus on things. It puts everything in perspective. 

I did realize that once B is gone, I probably won't be in this basement much any more. I will move all my stuff upstairs because I will have more room. My office will be up there. I am going to turn the guest room into a TV/game room. Put in my bookcases, I bought a new 50" TV to replace the one B will take. I am not letting them leave without a full apartment's worth of stuff. Dishes, pots, pans, TV, bed, etc. They will have everything they need. There is no anger, only acceptance. Not to mention, the end of the year will be here before you know it. It really will be. Next thing you know, we will still be together in 2023. I don't want to prolong the inevitable, but at the same time, not going to rush things just to make it hurt less. Because it won't. It will hurt more. I haven't seen or heard from X2 in 13 years. It still hurts. I don't want that.

I have my girlfriend. I have real friends. I have my therapist. I have my support group. I will be okay. Right?