ANA Y1 D69

Both of the following statements are true:

• B is leaving on Sunday
• I lost a nose piercing in a vagina last night

Yep. Such is my life. The anxiety is really bad right now. I took a Buspar but it hasn't kicked in yet. Hopefully in the next few minutes it will kick in and do its job. Back to those two statements. Yesterday we had what is probably the last "discussion" for a while. I was told I am not being patient enough, that I'm not giving them enough space, and that I need to stay out of their life until they figure things out. Okay. Be that way. Here's what is going to play out over the next week:

• Tonight they have a date and I am going to sit at home, do laundry, go grocery shopping and pick up my new prescription for 60 more Buspar.
• Tomorrow I am going to go out around 7pm and spend the night at our friend's house. I will come home some time on Saturday and they will be hanging out with their friend on Saturday, as well as having a coffee date, so we shouldn't cross paths. I will be going out Saturday night and not home until 2am. Again, we shouldn't cross paths
• Sunday they're going to go out to hang out with a friend then go over to another friend's house where they will stay until at least Thursday. 

During the time they are gone we are not going to message, text, or otherwise communicate unless it is an emergency. We're not blocking each other on social media, nor are we moving anything out of the house. All of the animals are staying with me for now. I am disassociating this in my mind by seeing it as they are up north with no cell reception. 5 days, no contact. From there we will see how things are going and plan our next steps. I don't know what next Friday will hold. That's the next 7-8 days of my life. See why I wanted more drugs? This one needs to kick in. Like now.

Other things that happened yesterday include my doctor's appointment which went really well. My numbers are all where they're supposed to be and some better than others. When we do my next pellets, if my numbers stay the same, I can increase from 6 to 8. That means longer in between visits and less I have to think about. My body development is on track. One thing I have to do is start weight cycling. I need to buy a scale. I need to start having some fat redistribution. The doctor wants me to drop 20-25 pounds then add 10-15 of it back. The new fat will go to different places - boobs, ass, hips. Okay. What I will probably do then is lose 50 and bring back 30. Get some real definition going. I need a scale to see where I am and how much is realistic. With B gone next week it will be easy to not eat. Yeah, I know. The cycle repeats itself?

At 10 I was supposed to take the cat to the vet but we couldn't find her. Cue 30 minutes of frantic searching looking for this cat. We thought she got outside, we thought she was in ceiling. I was freaking out. B on the other hand was cold and numb. Once again they disassociated and gave up. See why I think there is more wrong with her than she thinks? Go figure. She did have a psych appointment yesterday and they are increasing the dosage of one med and will be trying another in about a week. I hope this all helps. At least they are communicating with their doctor and making a plan. Speaking of plans, they also have possibly decided on a career path. They found a certification program for bookkeeping. I support this. It's right up their mental alley and frankly paves the way to move into what I do in terms of reporting and analytics. I think this is a good idea. We did finally find the cat in the closet buried in a pile of clothes. Fucker. However, this is when the discussion started because I couldn't understand why they were behaving the way they were. 

They left around 2 to go hang out with friends, came home around 9:30 from what I can determine. For some reason, the front yard camera isn't picking up their car. It gets mine on the right, but not theirs on the left. I need to adjust that. Regardless, they were home when I got home. Which is a shock because earlier in the day I asked when they might be home and the response was "after you". This was so they didn't have to sit and stress while I was out, same thing I did with CGF. Stay out as long as possible to minimize the amount of time you have in your head. I guess they came to terms with me being out or had to come home earlier than planned. Either way, they were home when I got home at 10pm. Because unlike them, I'm respectful and wouldn't come crawling in at 3am. 

As for me, I went out around 3. Picked up MCGF and we went bowling. It was a lot of fun. We then found a combo Thai/Vietnamese place that was REALLY good. Like some of the best I've had here. I would definitely go back. After that we had DQ, sat in the parking lot watching the thunderstorm. We couldn't go back to her place until 8 to make sure we weren't intruding on the kids and husband. They have a converted garage that they both use for this sort of thing. But the kids were up and we had to not cause an issue. All good. We got back to her house at 8 and started having some fun. We went at it until about 9:30. Part of that was also me just getting some hugs and physical touch in. You know, what B has been withholding from me for the past 2 weeks. I mean seriously, I laid in her lap and just let her hold me. How fucking sad is that is all I need sometimes? I don't need sex. I need to be fucking held. But we did also have sex. That need was also there. 

I headed home, immediately took a shower, got into bed. I slept well. B was up and down all night I think coming to bed around 2. Don't really care? I mean if they want to be my roommate for the next couple of days until they leave, then it's not my place to ask them any questions and vice versa. To their credit, they didn't ask me about my night. Not that I would have said anything. 

Wow. This is the longest post in a while. But as you can see, a lot going on. The Buspar has finally kicked in and I should be able to function for a while. Let's see how that goes.