Fuck. I have started and restarted this first sentence three times. I just don't know what to say this morning. Sitting down to type this has spiked my anxiety. I know this is important to do not only for mental health but for record keeping of my life, but this is the hardest thing I do every morning. Because it forces me to look at everything under a fucking microscope. When I type and write in here, I can't disassociate. I can't pretend. I have to look at the events of yesterday in cold reality. Which we all know, sucks.
It was very quiet and empty when I woke up this morning. The issue isn't that B is gone. B has left for camping or other things before. I have spent way too many nights in hotels to feel separation anxiety. No, it's part that comes next that's killing me. What happens when and if they come home? Where do we go from there? How will our relationship be changed? What does the future hold? That's what's so scary about them being gone right now. This is a big, lonely house for one person. This is a small state and area for a broken relationship. Many fears are raising their ugly head right now causing the insides of my guts to feel like spaghetti. This is what makes me cry. This is what makes me want to hurt myself. I don't know if I will make it out the other side this time.
The morning yesterday was rough. I passed out in the kitchen. The lack of sleep and food caught up to me. It was around 8 or so that I took a buspar, and it hit me weird. I went upstairs, dry heaved, then passed out on the kitchen floor in a pool of sweat. 10mg is too much for my body. I need to break these pills in half. I woke up an hour later still in the kitchen on the floor being licked by cats. Good times. Showered and started going on about my day. When B woke up I made them breakfast, possibly the last one ever, and helped them figure out what to bring for the week. We also went over the schedule so they knew when it was "safe" to come back into the house this week. Like today, they have a window of at least 12-6. Tomorrow, 4:30 - 11. This way they can help with the dog. Plus they can have some quality time with all the pets. All good. I left around 2:30 to meet BB for ice cream. I sincerely don't know what time they left even though I could easily enough look at the camera. But I'm not going to. They did turn off location sharing as I asked them to. I checked that. If it hadn't been off I was going to remind them. I'm fucking trying here, okay? Literally the only info I have right now is what they are choosing to share on social media. Like I said before, we aren't blocking each other, we're not closing doors. They truly just need space. Okay, take it. The only communication we've had in the last 16 hours is like 6 lines exchanged in telegram. Them telling me a package was delivered, me responding, me saying goodnight, them responding, them asking for a picture of the calendar, me sending it. That's it.
What about me and what I did yesterday? Thanks for asking. So I left at 2:30, met BB at the ice cream place around 3. I was able to get street parking downtown because it was a Sunday. I was enthralled by the area he lives in. Finally seeing real city and downtown. It felt very much like being in The City. Ability to walk everywhere, corner stores, old buildings. I was in heaven. We had ice cream, chatted for a while, and then we walked back to his place. Maybe three blocks? He lives on the third floor (stairs only, yes) of this old building with radiator heaters on the wall, brick walls, weird layout. I loved it. I loved every moment I spent in his apartment. We had a nice time. We talked for like 3 hours about our lives. The good, the bad, the ugly. He is a really nice guy and I am happy to have made a new friend. Nothing more than that. Just a new friend. I got home around 6:30 I would say, maybe 7. Made some dinner, watched 3 episodes of Sandman, went to bed at 9:45. I fell right asleep. Woke up at 1:30, saw a message from B asking for the picture, sent it, fell back to sleep until 5.
I get tattooed today. Give me pain. It's all I deserve.
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