WTF was yesterday? I honestly don't know. It was all over the map. From positive highs to soul crushing lows and everything in between. I didn't take a pill yesterday because I didn't feel I needed it, but I did just tale one right now to take the edge off. I've had 2.5 hours sleep. As is only appropriate, let's start at the beginning.
Got up, went and washed the truck, stopped at target, visited MCGF for like five minutes, and hit the grocery store. Productive morning time. When B got up, we had one more of our lovely chats. This time though, something happened significant. They asked me to 'flip the narrative'. To truly put myself in their shoes. When they described what I did by reaching out to CGF from that perspective, it clicked. I see where I made mistakes. It wasn't JUST reaching out to CGF. It was my specific wording and actions. I get it now. I understand why they are so mad. I don't back down from the fact that I felt I did the right thing, but I can see which pieces of my actions are causing the anger and resentment. The difference though I can get past it. That is what they will be working on this week while they are out of the house. There were some positive indicators that they are trying to work through things, but. I don't know what our relationship is going to look like on the other side. That's the problem. I am hoping this time away does some good for both of us. I need a damn break myself. I am going out today to meet my new friend (FWB?) BB. I say FWB cautiously because frankly, I'm not attracted to "men" but there's a catch here, isn't there? The parts they have and the energy they give off is anything but "man". The exact opposite. I wasn't planning on making it FWB, but given what happened later in the day yesterday, all bets are off.
B shared a lot during our talk. I know the new one's name. I know about them. I am getting B comfortable talking about their external partners which allows me to be more comfortable in sharing some stuff. We aren't looking to share intimacy details, but just knowing who is in our spouse's life is important. I also know from B told me, NGF (new girlfriend), is probably just a rebound. They have a kid, they live in a weird shared living space, they're a short chunky butch - not really B's type usually. But it's a distraction they need and can use and if it makes us get to a better place, fine. No issue here.
B left around 5:30 or so to meet a new friend for coffee. This person is looking for friends and maybe more but not exclusively. They went out for coffee with the intent of just being friends so B shared about them as well. They are a non-binary lesbian who moved back here from CO. Stoner. Another one with a kid. A little older than B. Ironically, I matched with them too on the same app that B met them on. I had already known what they looked like when they told me their name. They hung out at a coffee shop and B was back around 7:00. We then got ready to go to the club with our friend group. B asked in NF (new friend) could come because they want to get involved in the LGBT community and thought it would be nice to meet some people. I said of course as the whole point of this was to make a new friend, so let's make a new friend. If B wants to share this friend, fine, if not also fine. When NF shows up, we welcome them into our little group. They're a nice person. But here's the kicker - they are an almost carbon copy of fucking CGF. Seriously. Same 12 year old boy body. Same kind of weird hair and tattoos. It's clear B has a type. We left the club around midnight to hang out at our friend's place and as we were driving, B admitted that FWB with NF is a possibility, but they are just getting to know them and not sure if they have any interest in B that way. Cool. When they shared that, I shared that I might also have the same thing with BB. All good from both of us. These open lines of communication are important and will help us move forward.
We hung out at our friend's place until about 2. NF was there and I got to know them better. They are really nice and I hope B does have an opportunity to establish a friendship at least. I said there were some positive moments yesterday. One of those was while we were at our friend's. B called me "babe". They haven't used any terms of affection in like two weeks. It was a small gesture, but it meant a lot to me. I didn't acknowledge it in any way, but it felt good. I know that sounds stupid, but these little things mean the world to me right now. We came home around 2, watched some tv together, went to bed around 3:30, and I laid there until 4:30.
Waiting to hear from BB on where we're meeting today.
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