ANA Y1 D96

Yesterday was okay. Just okay. There was no real reason for it not to be if I am being honest, but last night I was just annoyed at B. I honestly don't know why. They didn't do anything wrong. I think maybe the last few days are finally catching up to me and I see what the future looks like? Maybe I am annoyed when I think about how long this will in fact take and how much I have to deal with between now and then? I don't know. I also slept really rough. I need the buspirone for the mornings, but they fuck up my ability to sleep. It's almost like I need to have one by my bed, wake up at 4, take it, sleep until 6. I went to bed around 11, laid there until midnight, slept for 20 minutes, woke up wide awake for an hour, slept for 30 minutes, etc. That was my cycle all night and it was fucking annoying. I think that annoyance I transferred to B because they seem so at ease with everything. I know that's not really true, they are just better at hiding things like this. Their ability to compartmentalize has always astounded me. I am also annoyed at my hair. I have an appointment saturday and it needs a good deep condition. I feel grungy. That's not helping my mood either. I don't know. Maybe today will be a better day.

ANA Y1 D95

I don't feel yesterday can be as neatly categorized as the weekend sadly. It was a weird day for a monday and completely unexpected. Not that B did anything for once. Things on that front are reaching some kind of groove that we just have to contend with for the next few months. We'll see how that goes. No, this time I had to help someone else. 

At 9am yesterday my friend calls me in tears threatening to end it all. What the heck is with everyone, myself included, that this world has become so overwhelming that we all just want to end it? Seriously. They had an issue similar to ours where the water heater went kaput. They had to contact their ex because they couldn't afford to fix it on their own. The plumber they called (same as ours) quoted between 3000 and 5000 for standard tank. Same rough quote we got. But if they financed it, it would hurt their ability to complete the re-fi they're right in the middle of. So they called the ex (it's her house too still) to see if they could help. What they got was verbal abuse, their number being blocked, and a threat of "I'll come over and fix it my fucking self". Goddamn butch lesbians. Give them a hammer and they think they can do anything. Regardless, this pushed my friend over the edge. I rushed over there, calmed them down, and made a strategy. We have a mutual friend who works in the plumbing industry. Called him, got him to get us a water heater at cost ($562), and he said he would install after work. In this case it was a pretty straight forward job as it was basically a tank swap. Or so we thought. After that we went to the store and got replacement locks and deadbolts for any accessible doors. This included new garage door hardware. I then proceeded to install everything for them. I didn't get out of there until after 1pm. I still had work to do! I came home, chatted with B for a few, and did my work until 5 when I went out to see my gf. 

B was deep into their schoolwork. Very impressed to be honest. They are taking this seriously and really working on stuff. It's still going to take a while no matter how much they push, but it was nice to see them focused. They later in the day went over to their gfs to study with them as they are pursuing a real estate license. I can actually understand this because the gf has a quiet space with no distractions like me or the animals. Of course they stayed there until 12:30 fucking, but that's not my business. No, really it isn't. I can be salty for sure, but at the end of the day as long as they get home safe, don't care. Heck, I know they've bought new sex toys because I saw them while cleaning. Good for you. I've got a dozen they don't know about and it is what it is. No, for once, on the B front, meh. I was thinking yesterday how I am clearly coming to terms with things maybe as I do continue to figure out how I want the house to look when they are gone. Maybe it's my way of creating a distraction, maybe it's my way of coping, but regardless, it works mostly. My anxiety is still screaming and I am taking more buspar than in the past, but I am getting through each and every day on my own terms. 

Saw my gf for dinner. We had street tacos at the one place here that does them right. We discussed our sex plans for Thursday. Then I dropped off an ice chest that's been in the back of my truck since the camping trip at another friend's house. Wow. I do have a ton of people in my life now, don't I? Real people. Not imaginary friends that only like me because I spend money. Nice change of pace. 

Got home, watched some tv, had me time, went to bed around 11. As I said, B got home around 12:30. Somewhere in there got a text that friend's water heater was not finished and now they have no water. They might be coming over this morning to shower. I get it. They have to work and get things done. Understandable situation. 

Today I teach from 11-3, then I have therapy, then group. B is going over to, I don't know what to call her at this point, um, butch gf? Yeah, let's go with that. Technically they're not sleeping together since the whole suicide thing, but I don't know how else to describe. So they're going over to butch gf's house to help them pack up for a move and provide comfort. Unknown when they will get home. I will be home around 11. 

Meh. Life, eh? 

ANA Y1 D94

I think I am going to start keeping track of certain days in a different way now. Because as my therapist likes to remind me and I need to keep reminding myself, there's no such thing as a bad day, just bad moments in a day. Clearly she's not living my life, but we will work with it. But to that end, here's a better breakout of the day:

Positives:

• Took some time for myself in the morning, went and had my nails done. I am insanely happy with how they turned out. The length and shape are perfect. I can still function doing things like this, but they are a pretty color. The polish is color changing too. Changes from light to dark depending on the temperature. Very happy with that.
• Went roller skating with B and a friend. Managed to not fall down too much or look like too much of an idiot. Was worried about getting clocked or harassed because you know, "the children, but didn't have any issues even in the bathroom. That part of my life is slowly getting easier. I was talking to a friend last night and conveyed to her how bathrooms are the scariest part of my life. 
• Spent some time with B watching TV but for the most part did my own thing. We avoided and minimized the 'future' talk as much possible. But since we're in the positive section, they did enroll in school last night. They have officially started their program and will now be "working" monday through friday to get through stuff and move forward. Even if they double down, we're still talking end of year for them to find a job, a couple of months to make some money, and more after that to be ready to be on their own, but it's a step forward for both of us.
• Made more strides in how I want to rearrange the house when they are gone. Thinking of furniture changes and the like. I am thinking of things like this to give me positive things to look forward to when it's my house. Make it really mine again. Nothing drastic, but little touches. I will have empty spaces in the future and need them to be filled.
• Took a buspar around 10 with the hope it calms me this morning. Mostly working.

Negatives:

• At the roller rink, B isolated themselves from me and our friend by spending the majority of the time on their phone. This of course led to an argument later on the way home. I didn't care who they were talking to as it is no longer my business, but it was more that they agreed to hang out and neither of us felt B was present. It felt disrespectful to both of us because it put them in a mood the whole time we were skating.
• They did more of the same at home. Then ended up going out at 12:15 until 2:15 which spiked my anxiety. No, I shouldn't care, but it's a safety thing. It really is. Part of it was their last hurrah if you will. They know they can't be doing this stay out until 3 bullshit now that they are doing schoolwork, having to find a big kid job, etc. Stop dating children who do gig work and maybe you won't have this problem, eh?
• Didn't really eat yesterday. My stomach was all over the map from anxiety and just didn't feel like it. Had a plate of cheese and fruit for dinner.

This week:

I teach tomorrow, today I am going to lunch with a new friend, see the gf tonight for tacos, then might hit up another girl I know to see if she is DTF. B will be out with one of theirs and I might as well not be a mopey butthole. Tomorrow is group and they have another night out too. Wednesday we're going to an event together to support a friend, Thursday I am hooking with my gf, Friday is clean, then Saturday I have a hair appointment and they have a memorial for the one whose best friend killed themselves. As you can see, busy week. We both have therapy in there twice as well. The days just keep coming, don't they?

ANA Y1 D93

Yesterday was both good and bad. No such thing as a bad day, right? Just bad moments. I wouldn't even go as far as saying it was "bad" either. Sad and emotional. We had to put down one of our babies. Yes, Belly lost her fight to cancer. We took her in at 8:30am yesterday, the doctor confirmed that she was days away and we were doing the right thing. She quietly passed while in our arms. That was a rough fucking time for sure. We both cried our eyes out. Everyone in the office was kind and gentle with us about it. It hurt a lot for sure, but it was okay. She is now in no more pain. She was a bitch of a cat, cranky, annoying, but we loved her and she loved us in her own way. She shall be missed. We ordered her ashes in an urn and two paw print statues. Man I'm crying again. Fucking cat.

From there the day was good. We spent the majority of the day together and we proved we could in fact be friends and nothing more. A key moment was when we both decided to go to different parts of the house, masturbate, and take naps. Weird, but pivotal. First that we could talk about that at all and second because we did what we said. We had lunch together and they went back into the bedroom to hang out. I went down and worked in the basement. During that, B's dad came over to work on our house. He is doing some siding work for us. Of course he left us with a big giant hole on the side of our house. Sigh. This is why I pay people to do work for us. Hopefully he won't leave it that way for too long. We did both come  out to him yesterday. The range of emotions over the man's face until he finally said "ok" and went back outside to work. In the end, nothing came as a real shock to him. He knew B was gay and he always thought I was a little too feminine. All good there. Just a few more family members to tell. Then of course we have to tell them all we're getting divorced. That'll be fun. Our friend came over with ice cream to help us grieve Belly. Very kind of her. We sat and chatted for a while.

When everyone had left, we watched some Jersey Shore, went and had Polish food for dinner, came back, we took care of a couple house things together, B gave me a pedicure, and we watched a movie. It was alright. I would have enjoyed some cuddling, but I know I don't get that any more. No, I will get that this week from my gf. Yes, I am seeing her twice this week. Tomorrow for dinner to talk, then Thursday explicitly for sex. Tomorrow I may go over to another friends house to fuck. If she is up for it, I will be too. No puns intended. I will get laid twice this week one way or another. Why? Because B is out tonight, tomorrow, Tuesday, and Thursday. As am I, but they will get some three night of those four nights. I will only get it twice. That's okay. Still more than I was getting before we started all this. What was my number one problem last time? Lack of physical touch. This way if I am doing it in a healthy adult manner, what's the problem? 

The bigger positive is we talked a lot yesterday about the future. We settled on a school and program for B. We planned out the rearranging of furniture to make us both happy during this period, we discussed more things they can take, we talked about them getting a storage unit, we talked about transferring the Jeep into their name, etc. But we did it without anger or fighting. I have some anxiety this morning and might take a buspar. BTW - I kept calling them wellies but they're buspirone. I don't know what I was getting that so confused. Whatever. Either way, I might take one today. Like now. Maybe. Trying not to, but it's hard. 

I took one. Oh well. Speaking of meds, refilling my bica prescription. 90 days down, the rest of my life to go. 

Today I am getting my nails done this morning and then we are going roller skating with a friend. When we get back B is going out. I am going to play video games and hang out. I teach a couple of days this week and I do have plans Mon-Thurs. Next weekend is open and it's a holiday weekend. Can you believe it's September already? Seems like just yesterday my wife was telling me she was gay. Oh life, you silly bitch.

Here is one last picture of our baby for all of you. Goodnight you dumb cat.

ANA Y1 D92

I do not want to be up right now. I didn't go to bed until almost 2. I'm up because we have to take the dying cat into the vet. She's become dehydrated and her poops are not looking good. Today may be the day. Not cool. But it would mean one less thing to worry about and deal with for the future. Find the positive.

Yesterday was 90% a good day. I think this whole boundary and respect thing is almost outside B's comfort zone. At least right at this second. They've struggled with it since this beginning but it's become more clear to them what they stand to lose now and that's keeping them in check. Two cases in point: first, one of their current gfs asked if they would go away with them over Labor Day. B said no because it would mean an overnight stay. They weren't happy but they knew that was, at least for now, not something I can handle. We just got to a semi-good place where we can show each other some respect. Don't fuck it up. Then last night they were supposed to go out while I was out but the same gf was still working at midnight. So instead of going out and basically coming right back home, they decided to go to bed. The second one was more because I have to wake them up shortly to go to the vet. If they had stayed out until 4 or 5 in the morning, they wouldn't be able to wake up and take the cat with me. If we have to put this cat down today, I am not doing it alone. They were less upset about the trip, but last night they got a little pouty. Tough. If I am going to bend over backwards for you, you're going to show me this much common decency in the short term. Let me have my last few months of playing house and not looking like some idiot. Believe me, things will be over before you know it. They did also finally decide on a school and program for their accounting degree. I told them I need to see progress on being signed up this week. I'm holding up my end of this deal, they need to hold up theirs. 

For the future, I started considering a few things. One of the key problems I had last time around was loneliness. It's why I had so many parties. It's why I let some bad people into my life. It was almost impossible to have a roommate in that apartment, but now I will have plenty of space. I was talking to my friend who I went to the concert with and asked if he would be interested in moving in. I would essentially give him the whole basement and I take the upstairs. We would write up an actual lease agreement for six months and see how it goes. Option to renew for another six months or he moves on. I would charge him less than half his current rent to allow him to save money and it would give me the companionship I need. Which I need less of than I think potentially. I had three real friends just reach out to me yesterday to see how I was holding up. Unprompted and uncoerced. They just were checking in on me. Big difference than last time.

My therapist is happy for me. They are happy I am finally able to move forward and out of limbo. None of us are happy our relationship is ending, but at least there is progress and open dialog. We'll take it.

In happier news, I went to see Blondie with The Damned last night. Our seats were incredible. We could reach out touch the band. For 77 years old Blondie can still hit those notes. Not quite as good as the past, but damn if she didn't put on a good show. Very glad I decided to go even if it was last minute. Had a fun time. Got home around 11:30, hung out for a while, and went to bed. 

This morning cat, tonight dinner and a movie to have some us time to see if we can still be friends. Tomorrow I am getting my nails done and going roller skating. In other words, I am starting my new life as me. 

It's gonna be okay. Right? 

ANA Y1 D91

I survived the night. Hell, I survived the day. Fuck, I survived. I didn't hurt myself any more. I am still wrapping my head around the straight up fact that I'm getting divorced. Again. But it's not happening tomorrow. Or even next week. We both have to remind ourselves to slow down. That's the point of this. Walk away friends. We're even planning one last matching tattoo. Yes, you heard me. One last reminder of our time together. Go back and read - I never expected this to last, did I? I always said 10 years. It will be 10 years since we started first talking in December. The goal we established last night is to make sure B is settled and situated by their birthday. So Feb of 2023. But in that time, we're going to live our own lives to some degree. We will make time for each other. We will still share the responsibilities of this home together. I know it's weird. But we don't want to be apart. We really don't. We just don't work well enough together any more. I'm popping Wellbutrin again. It's okay. I'm going to be okay. I have friends. I have family. I have plans. I have a therapist who I get to explain all this to today. Took 54 years but I am on a path for me. What do I have? Another 20? Maybe 30? I will find a companion. I'm not worried about that. I am not alone. Someone like me when I choose it, will never be alone. Right?

Yesterday was actually a good day finally. We broke through and started treating each other like human beings again. CGF came over for one final goodbye. But it's not. They will be back in 4 months. B will be better then too. B will be someone worthy of CGF's love. I mean that. I told B if they end up together I think it will be good for both of them. The people they are seeing now are just flings. There's no future with them. We did promise each other that for the short term to make sure we don't 'fall in love' with anyone else. Why? Because we don't want that getting in the way. I don't want to kick B out prematurely and they don't want to screw up the plans they have laid out. God I wish this pill would kick in a little faster. It's always when I start typing that the anxiety hits harder. Because writing makes me focus on things. It puts everything in perspective. 

I did realize that once B is gone, I probably won't be in this basement much any more. I will move all my stuff upstairs because I will have more room. My office will be up there. I am going to turn the guest room into a TV/game room. Put in my bookcases, I bought a new 50" TV to replace the one B will take. I am not letting them leave without a full apartment's worth of stuff. Dishes, pots, pans, TV, bed, etc. They will have everything they need. There is no anger, only acceptance. Not to mention, the end of the year will be here before you know it. It really will be. Next thing you know, we will still be together in 2023. I don't want to prolong the inevitable, but at the same time, not going to rush things just to make it hurt less. Because it won't. It will hurt more. I haven't seen or heard from X2 in 13 years. It still hurts. I don't want that.

I have my girlfriend. I have real friends. I have my therapist. I have my support group. I will be okay. Right?

ANA Y1 D90

Well, at some point I'm going to start renumbering things again. You'll understand why in a minute.

We are getting divorced. It's official. Yay I'm Ross Geller. But we're going to do it in our own weird way. We've decided that I can't live with the guilt of them failing, they know they can't leave tomorrow and be okay, and we want to ease into it to make sure we walk away as friends. We will work on getting B established on a career path. We will work on getting them a place to live. We will work on switching over bills as they get employed. I know this doesn't make sense to some of you. But look, I do still love them. They still love me. We just don't well together any more. That's okay. The plan will be to start getting things situated here in the house. Get rid of the axolotls for example. Figure out what they get from the house. Things like that. We had a two hour talk last night at 2am. There was crying, there was no anger for once though. No yelling. Just a heartfelt discussion of what the future will look like. They also acknowledge this is my house. They get no claim on it. I don't have to move unless I want to move. That will be decided later. I might move somewhere. I don't know yet. Maybe closer to my sister. Maybe closer to the kid. We also agreed to share more of our lives so we know what's going on with each other. The big "revelation" finally was them admitting they're in love with CGF. Now they can work towards being someone worthy of having a relationship with CGF. We get them established on their own and when CGF comes back from Alaska, maybe they go and pursue something. I'm okay with all this.

I did hurt myself finally yesterday. I have the scars now of these 9 years. I took a knife and tested to see if I could cut the skin. I can. I won't show you all a picture, but it's pretty bad. I'm ashamed and not at the same time. I did what I needed to do. 

I don't know how I feel right now. Relieved that it's all out in the open I guess? Relieved I know what the future will bring to some degree? No more guessing what's going on in their head. No more games. We will figure this out. We will move forward. For a while, that will be together. But there's an end plan. There's a finality to it. I will survive. I always do.

Fuck it, here's a pic:

ANA Y1 D89

After much discussion with my therapist, I have come up with a plan on when, if, and how, I will be serving the papers. On September 1st, next Thursday, I will sit B down and let them know the following:

"Today marks six weeks since your incident, and 5.5 weeks since I have been shown any kind of physical, emotional, or verbal affection. This cannot continue. In order for this relationship to continue, the following must happen:

1. You must agree to go to couples counseling and an appointment must be made in the next 30 days.

2. You must agree to reinstate some type of affection, even verbal. 

Both of these must happen by the end of September. If they do not, then I am serving divorce papers, and you have until the end of the month to vacate the premises. I will go through the house with you to create an inventory list to ensure you get the things due to you. In addition, I will continue to pay your bills through December but as of 1/1, you will be responsible for all your own debt."

That's it. If they want to continue to stay in this relationship, that's all they have to do. I am not limiting their time, their external activities, nothing. Go to counseling and start being more affectionate towards me. I don't think that's asking much of my fucking spouse. Let's see what happens. Until then, I will keep my distance, keep my mouth shut, and just slide.

Taught yesterday. Felt good to be back in the think of it. My group is a little frustrating but I was able to handle them. Finished a little after six and went to group. Got home around 11:30. Went to bed at midnight. B went out at 2, went to gf1 "to support" them, then a date with gf2. I don't know how they're doing it. Really don't. Both my therapist and my addict friend wonder if they're either on drugs or chasing the dopamine high that all this is bringing. 

Something that did happen the other night is still pissing me off. They of course tried to slide in a trip to Alaska. Oh yeah, you heard me right. Fucking Alaska. Not only does this piss me off because they won't go on a plane for me, but they'll get on one for pussy, but to go to a place that is a bucket list item and an experience you share with a fucking spouse is just inexcusable. I was also told in relation to this that "my friends don't like you because you're too controlling". Excuse me? Do you friends know that I am the one who pays for everything? Are any of these friends actually married? Do any of these friends hear my side of the story? No. They don't. So their opinion means nothing to me. If you want to act and behave like a single person, then fine, you get to be a single person. Have fun. Hope you die.

They're going to CGF's going away party tonight. Bye. I'm going bowling with friends. I am establishing my own life, with my own friends so that I don't have major issues when I find myself single in the near future. Yes, I have accepted that this is more than likely my reality. It is what it is.

ANA Y1 D88

It's 3:25am and I am awake. Ironically I am awake because B was trying NOT to wake me. They came home at 2:30, turned on the sound machine at 3, and that woke me up. Because now I have to pee, now I am too cold, now I am awake. 

The paperwork is obtained and filled out. I had therapy yesterday and we discussed the things that need to happen in the next few days, MAYBE weeks, that could even have a remote chance of me not serving them.

The last few days have been hell. Between being misgendered twice, having my dysphoria triggered multiple times, picking up a 24 year old bartender and having a makeout session, B coming home at 5 in the goddamn morning, 5 weeks of no physical affection - all of this is killing me. I can't take any more literally. 

I'm done and I'm done. I teach today. Don't know anything beyond that.

ANA Y1 D87

I don't know what to say that hasn't been said a thousand times already. Yesterday's post is a reflection of that. I am tired of dealing with the same shit different day. Maybe some time in the near future I will have more to write that is fresh or exciting, but right now I am a rat running on a wheel. I got home around 11am yesterday, saw B for less than two hours, went to bed myself, woke up, and here we are. I drove, I put shit away, I pretended like I wasn't a complete wreck. The papers are being printed. Just have to fill them in and get someone to serve them. From there, we will see what happens.

ANA Y1 D86

 Nope

ANA Y1 D85

I am so fucking tired. It's not worth it. I am done with everything. I am done with people. I am done with my spouse. Let it go. Not going to talk to anyone today. Just get through the hours.

Thought I would be going home to have a conversation with a spouse. Nope. They will be off at a Ren Faire an hour away. Well fuck them. Maybe the locks will be changed when they get home. Maybe the house will be empty. Maybe the bedroom door will be closed forever. Maybe I won't be alive. All sorts of things can happen in the next 36 hours.

ANA Y1 D84

I was able to minimize the amount of time I saw B yesterday even though I was in the house. But more on that in a minute. I have to share the rest of my day and some hot tea. The first thing I did was go grocery shopping. I bought so much goddamn food for this weekend it isn't funny. $350 worth of breakfast lunch and dinner. No matter what else happens this weekend, these people are going to eat well dammit. I got to the house some time around 10, B was asleep, and I unloaded everything. I also put together my luggage and stuff. Rearranged the truck, and did what I could for pre-packing. I then relaxed for a while. B didn't get up until 1 or so. We then had two hours of contact before they headed to their mom's for a visit with their sisters and dinner. From there, I don't know where they went, but they got home around 12:30. I was already asleep so no issue. While they were out, I watched tv, chatted with friends, had a quick dinner, and went to bed around 11. While this was acceptable for yesterday, this can't continue one like this. This is not a life for me. My tinnitus was at full speed the entire time I was home yesterday. The minute I walked back into this house, it went crazy. What a fucking shock.

Ah, but you came for the tea, didn't you?

I asked B how their meeting with CGF went on Monday. Well... CGF got their next assignment. It was supposed to be Seattle. You know, a place where B could possibly visit and spend time with them. They also weren't supposed to leave until after labor day. Nope. All that's changed. First off they leave next Thursday on the 25th. Bye bye. But the best part? Their next assignment is in remote fucking Alaska. Yep. Land of the ice and snow. No visiting there bitch. Oh well. Three months they will be gone too. Little to no contact for three months. Heh.

Not that B doesn't have enough pussy here already for them. I know that's what they were off doing last night, but it just warms my heart, unlike the Alaskan weather, that CGF is gone. Yeah, I'm an asshole. Sue me.

B did make one smart decision. They aren't going to Chicago this weekend. They thought it through and realized how fucking dumb that idea was. Thank god. One less thing to worry about.

Okay, I am out of here in 4 hours. I am bringing a hot spot with me and will have internet. And absinthe. I plan on being fucked up until Sunday morning. 

ANA Y1 D83

For the first time in a week I had a tinnitus flare up. Why? Because my spouse just is a real piece of art. Like for real. Story time.

I hung out here until noon. Went to the house missing B completely. Checked the camera before I left to make sure they had pulled out of the garage. I arrived around 12:30, they left at almost noon exact. Perfect. I did laundry, unloaded some stuff, cleaned out the back of my truck for this weekend. Starting pre-packing some things too. Took the cats to the vet at 2pm. The one cat has two to three more weeks max sadly. The mass has doubled again. It's just going to keep getting worse. Came back, unloaded the cats, and got the hell out of there. Managed to not see or interface with B. Success.

I went bowling with a friend last night. As I was headed to the bowling alley, B messaged me and asked if I minded if they went to Chicago this weekend. WTF? They want to drive their new bitch and her kid to the funeral for the friend that killed themselves. Um, who's paying for this shit? Who's watching the dog for 9+ hours? Are you spending the night with her? Are you kidding me? But of course I had to watch how I said all that. Had to say it in a polite way of "of course I want you to help a FRIEND". Oh and B had to start the conversation by clarifying they have "pulled back on a physical relationship with them". Like that's supposed to make it better?? I was really cautious in how I responded and basically didn't say yes or no. I put the decision on them after pointing out many things wrong with their plan. Ultimately this is a test of their behavior. Which leads us to the real issue. The next thing they message me is can their new friend come inside to meet the dog when they get picked up for their date. How am I supposed to respond to that?!?! But then the date stays in my house until 11pm. Now, did anything physical happen? Unknown, but the fact that they brought someone into our home pisses me off. Like here we go again being humiliated and disrespected. Nope. Done.

I did have fun bowling. Went to bed around 11. Have to grocery shop and pack today and then I am gone for three days. Bye fucking bye bitch.

ANA Y1 D82

Day three of not being in the house. You all know I have tinnitus. Like really bad in my left ear. Did you know it's brought on by irregular, poor sleep and stress? Guess what I haven't had in three days? For real. Since I got here on Monday at 5pm, my ears haven't bugged me once. I am coming up on almost 40 hours without a single flare up. Hold on a second, let me act surprised. Okay, done with that. 

Yesterday I moved at my own pace. I meandered around the house, took a nice nap, helped my host by doing all their dishes and cleaning the kitchen, installed some new door hardware for them, took their dogs for a walk, and tried to be a good house guest. I went to the cheese shop at 11 when they opened and bought a ton of cheese for the trip this weekend. Some really fancy good shit. Around 3:30 I headed to meet my friend. We went wandering the in stores where our group meeting is, then we had sushi for dinner, and went to group. I got back here around 11, putzed around for a little bit, and was in bed by midnight. B messages me at 3:23am saying they were home safe. Okay? Don't care? I mean don't understand what you're out doing until nearly 3:30 in the morning acting like a child, but you do you. Doesn't impact me any. I am doing okay on my own thanks. Right now, I am truly leaning towards telling them to start looking for their own place. I discovered last night I will be okay. I have real friends. I have people who care about me. I got hit on by this really cute girl too. She was just like "I love your energy!". Okay babe. I am down with this. lesbian powers activate!

Today, heading to the house at 1, B will be gone already. Taking the cat to the vet. Then I am telling my friend with whom I am going bowling, to meet me at the bowling alley. This way I can come straight back here afterwards. Then I can go back to the house Thursday late, leave Friday morning. Minimal exposure and home time. 

It's gonna be okay. Right?

ANA Y1 D81

I am not at home. I am elsewhere right now.  Let's back up shall we? Let's review all of Sunday. Sunday was supposed to be our day to spend together and complete a much needed home project. While we did complete said project, B spent the entire day on their phone sending goddamn selfies to their multitudes of bitches. I was I was exaggerating. I mentally kept track of at least 35 times I saw them take pics and send it off to people. Was it all to girlfriends? Probably not, but it was massively disrespectful to me. So much so it put a huge wedge between us all day. One of the projects we worked on was replacing the front door with a keypad so the cleaning service will have no problem getting in and out. As a result we have an old deadbolt now. I offered it to our friend who is having ex-wife problems. We agreed to drive it over to their house and hang out for a bit. This would be around 8pm. Right before we left, B asked if I minded if they went out after we went to our friend's house. WTF? No I guess not? I just don't understand going out at 9pm on a Sunday, but whatever. We ended up taking two cars which already was embarrassing and humiliating for me. Then, they proceeded the whole time we were there to take more fucking selfies and spend the whole time on their phone. Again, fucking humiliating. Flashbacks of X1 coming in loud and clear. I mean you can't even be discrete? You have to do this shit right in front of not only my face, but our friends? Fuck you. But whatever. I went home, went to bed around 10:30.

I woke up at 11:30 and they weren't home yet. You know what? Not a big deal. It's not too late, not going to stress, going back to sleep. Well I woke up again at 3 and when I saw they weren't in bed, there were no lights on anywhere and no noise, I panicked. I first went to see if they were in the guest room masturbating. Nope. Check garage, no car. Fuck me. I am going into full blown panic mode. I should mention, nothing on my phone. No message, no nothing. So as I go down to message them, guess who comes strolling in the door at 3:10. Fear turns to anger and I lash out. Hard. This of course pisses them off and they start yelling and saying they're done, blah blah blah. So I tell them to leave. They have broken one too many boundaries and I am done. Please leave. They can come back later, but for now, out. So they did. I ended up falling back to sleep until 6 something on the couch downstairs.

After realizing I wouldn't be getting anything accomplished, I messaged my work and told them I would be useless for the rest of this week. I laid it all out, told them everything that was going on, and said I needed the time off to get my head on straight. I received mostly positive support. My immediate folks understood but apparently our third party company wants nothing to do with me now. Well fuck you. Suck my left tit. I then proceeded to find a place for me to stay. I am at a friend's house right now. I came over here around 5:30pm yesterday while B was out and plan to stay until Wednesday midday. More on that in a second. With that arranged, I packed. I made an emergency appointment with my therapist and met with her at noon. She reinforced and validated my decisions, not only to tell B to leave, but to get out of the house. When I was done with my therapy, B came home. No apologies, no nothing. I sat them down, explained why I was pissed, how they humiliated me over the weekend, and that I would be leaving. I would not be there when they got back from their date at 4pm. I did not tell them where I would be, who I was staying with, and any other details. I turned off location sharing as well. I did tell them I would let them know I was safe, and nothing more. We have to take the, no *I*, have to take the cats to the vet on Wednesday and I will be home in time to do that. I then have plans that evening to go bowling with a friend and B is not invited even though technically it's their friend. Not this time bitch. On Thursday they have morning plans and I need to prep for my camping trip. The point is that even though I will be back home Weds and Thurs, I am planning on making sure my interaction with them is minimal to non-existent. I may return to where I am staying but I do need to pick up some clean clothes if I am doing that. Maybe. We shall see. Friday I leave for my camping trip and will have zero contact between Friday and Sunday afternoon. I see no point. On Sunday when I return after thinking things through, I will decide if I want them to leave permanently or not. Right now, I am leaning towards yes, go. 

I also did mostly end things with MCGF yesterday. I went to their work and explained that while I like them, I don't know if I am having physical relations with them because I truly like them or if because they are a substitute for my spouse. I explained that I am happy to remain their friend, but cannot have any kind of physical relationship with them until all this shit is over. I also cannot give them the time of me they seem to desire until I get past all this. They were upset as one would imagine, but they handled it well. We will see how things go this week with them.

Okay, today I am off to the cheese shop, going to help my host by cleaning, then off to a dinner date with BB and then group. I won't be back here until later in the evening. I look forward to a day without worrying about my spouse (who has their own date tonight), the cats, or work. Just some me time goddamn it.

ANA Y1 D80

 It's 3:30am. Once again B broke a boundary. I told her to leave. I am done.

ANA Y1 D79

Yesterday was the first true day of B and I 'doing our own thing'. During the week it's one thing because of work and just general lack of plans. But yesterday I think we saw each for all of an hour and 30 of that wasn't even at home. Surprisingly, I think it bothered them a little more than me. They wanted multiple hugs yesterday. I almost said no to the last one because I wasn't feeling it. But honestly, I for the most part was okay. Nighttime was a little rougher.

I got up, went and had my hair did, then came home briefly to head to Transgender Pride in the Park. Since B had to pet sit nearby, they stopped by too. But it wasn't for them and they left shortly after arriving. They also spent the whole time sending girlfriends selfies. They do have three now. Yep. Because apparently CGF is back in the picture at least temporarily. They will be seeing them tomorrow. But none of my business. Especially tomorrow as I will be with my girlfriend. Whom I may be ending things soon. They're just too damn clingy for my taste.

I stayed at the park until about 5 and headed home. I did almost get into a fight while there. This same bitch who did it to me in group, misgendered me again. I fucking punched her. She tried to apologize and tell me to hit her again. I just ignored her which I think stung more. Later she tried to apologize on discord and told her I needed some space and she shouldn't message me for a while. Let's see if she respects that.

When I got home B was asleep. Good. They woke up at 6:30 and left for their butch at 7. Bye bye. Go do your thing. I went out around 8:30, hung at the bar until 1. When I got home miracle of miracles, they were already home. They were watching the hobbit which pissed me off. You see when I asked them to watch that when it came out they said they weren't interested. But one of their little play toys asked them to watch it and there you. Fuck you.

I did my own thing in the basement until 2, went to bed. We shall see how today goes.

ANA Y1 D78

What is my life she says? Yesterday may go down as the weirdest of the last couple months. I went to the world's smallest Pride festival, got my spouse a date, and can't seem to stop peeing. You know, I was prepared to type a huge paragraph today, but that literally summed it up in one sentence. Amazing.

Oh you want details? Well, B has another in the pipeline. The one we hung out with last week. Well the two of them were being so stupid around each other last night I just finally had enough and told them they each like the other, just do something. So B straight up asks this girl out on a date in front of me. I don't know. It bothered me, but it didn't? Because I have given up hope on our relationship. Just it's over. It's just when do I ask them to leave without feeling guilty about it?

I don't know any more. It's all so weird.

Oh and someone OD'd at the festival. That was fun. I got my face painted and got six loaves of bread donated to my group for camping. 

What is my life?

ANA Y1 D77

Well apparently the students from the last few days don't like my teaching style and have requested a new instructor. Oh well. But I have to be careful. I have to make sure that my personal life isn't bleeding into my work life. This happened before. Must watch it like a hawk. To be more specific, what they didn't like was that I couldn't answer every single detailed question they asked, that I wouldn't turn on my camera, and the pace of the material. In the past they had a more technical instructor who was more engaging with them, but as I learned was very unreliable in terms of showing up on time, getting through all the material, etc. I do think this is just a case of a bad fit and not anything endemic of a larger problem. But to be safe, I will watch my behavior next week more closely. Not taking any chances.

So B is home. In a limited capacity. I say limited capacity because if they had their way, they would still be gone. They feel they need more time. Well, we had a long talk about this. I was clear about my feelings and that I couldn't continue to live in a state of limbo forever. That they don't get to have a permanent vacation on my dime. There has to be a point where we talk all this out. What we agreed upon is that for the next week, we will "be chill". Just try to live a normal life where we can interact as friends, live in the same living space, share the burden of the household, but that's the extent of it. We will stay out of each other's lives, we will stay out of each other's space. We will not comment on how late someone is staying out, ask who they are talking to, hanging out with, etc. We will will attend things together depending on what those things are. If there is something we would like the other to attend with us, we will give it a ranking system. For example, there is an event on Saturday I will be going to. I asked B to go with me and rated it a 6. It would be nice, but it will not be the end of the world if they don't. They can do their own thing. Essentially we are one step above roommates. There will be no intimacy, there will be no expectation of anything. On both sides mind you. This isn't a one way street. Can I handle this? For a week yes, for more, no. I was clear on that as well. I said to them, that I cannot live with the guilt of asking them to leave at this time. That I know they would fail and it would be a horrible thing. Therefore, my goal would be to figure out a way for us to continue at least for the next year while they get themselves situated in a career, get themselves mentally well, start taking over some of their own bills, etc and then we revisit if we stay married. However, to do that, we have to find a way of moving forward that works for both of us. If we do not find a way that is acceptable, I will be asking them to leave. Yes, I actually said that. It was one of the hardest things I have ever said to another person, but I have to set boundaries on my own mental health. We are still moving forward with some home changes. We met with Molly Maid yesterday and they will be coming twice a month to clean. This will be $100 and it will be worth every penny. Neither of us will feel overwhelmed at taking care of the house at least. I am down with this. We also talked about the possibility of moving my office upstairs. Getting me out of the basement finally. Lastly, we are doing a redo of the kitchen together this weekend. We are emptying out every cabinet and cupboard, cleaning them, and donating or throwing stuff away. A long overdue project. So there is collaboration happening. When I return from camping on the 21st, we will talk. If we don't, then we're done. If we can't find a mutually agreeable path, we're done. Let's get through the week, shall we kids. 

Last night we went out to dinner with my friend BB. B joined us and it was civil. No, that's not fair. It was more than that. We were friends for a while. It felt okay. Just okay. We had a nice time, came home, hung out for a little bit, and he left. I went to bed shortly afterwards. I do not know what B did, nor will I inquire. This is what they are looking to see if I can stick to the boundaries. I can. But it doesn't mean I will be passive. I am going out Saturday night regardless and they will have to be okay with that. 

Ah, life. What a bitch.

ANA Y1 D76

I have had a couple people ask me how I know exactly how long it's been since shit went to hell. Well, this is why I restarted the counting on this blog. It's been 76 days. So yeah, I am keeping track. Who knows, I may start renumbering again once I am divorced for the third time. I should have restarted when B and I got married so I could have kept track of that too. Oh well. At least I am tracking this. So yes, it's basically been 11 weeks from the time my spouse sent our lives into a spiral. Thanks for asking.

I taught yesterday all day. Then I installed a ceiling fan. I watched Sandman, had a lasagne, and went to bed. That's it. That was my day. Did I talk to anyone? Oh no. They did come by again while I was teaching. This time to dab and see the dog. While I was teaching of course. Other than that, no contact. 

They are supposed to come home today. We'll see if they stay or not. We will see if anything has changed. We'll see if my heart is ripped in two and shoved down my throat. The other question/comment being made to me is why I am already assuming it's over. Because if I have hope, the pain will be worse and more than I can handle. If I am already prepped for it and have no hope, any pleasant outcome will feel that much better. Plain and simple. If things go as I am expecting, I am ready for it. I have been looking at new houses. I have been looking at areas to move. I know how much I can sell this one for and still be able to buy something new. At the same time, maybe I will just stay in it. In a week I never ran into B in the wild. Maybe I could just stay here and not cross paths with them. I don't know about that. But at least maybe another year to get some more equity. We will see.

A lot of fuck around and find out going on right now.

ANA Y1 D75

I almost forgot to fucking post today. I slept through all of my fucking alarms. Now I am running behind. I wasn't up that late, 11:30, but I somehow slept through everything.

Due to behavior yesterday I am fully expecting to be divorced in the next few weeks or months. This also includes what little I have heard from the person they are staying with right now. I don't know what the future holds, but I am scared. Very scared.

I don't want to get into what happened yesterday but I was treated rather poorly and it was clear that B has no interest in being around me or this house. They are scheduled to come home Thursday. This may be our last weekend together if we see each other at all after Thursday night.

Got a new piercing yesterday. The angle sucks, but here it is.

ANA Y1 D74

Ever have someone point out something so obvious to you that you're just ashamed that you didn't see it? Last night my tattoo artist made the innocent comment that if B can't get over what's going on, then what's going on isn't the problem. There's something bigger under the surface. I've been so focused on them getting past the whole CGF issue, that it never occurred to me that there was something else bubbling underneath all of this. How fucking stupid am I? I mean of course she's right. There's something much larger at play here that has yet to reveal itself. Now that's fucking scary. 

Yesterday and right now have been pretty hard. It's too quiet. It's too empty. It's lonely. An entire day without seeing them, really talking to them, nothing. I know I will survive, but fuck it's hard. Today will be even worse since Tuesday has traditionally been their fuck night. Good times.

There's not much to talk about with regard to yesterday. I spent the morning doing some bullshit work in prep for today and tomorrow, then I left for my tattoo. I was there from 12:15 until 8:15. Actually time under the needle was 6 hours and 49 minutes. I earned and received my pain. We only got one done. Have to go back in September for my second one. I am very happy with how this one turned out. Number 26 is done and on my body forever. More. Gimme more pain.

MCGF is being a pain in the ass. They're showing that they're too clingy and needy for my taste. I had a feeling this was coming to be honest. I told them yesterday morning that hey, my life is a little fucked up right now and I need some space. That sent them into quiet and distant mode. At like 9 they sent me a message saying how they need more from me. Yeah, no. Something tells me this isn't going to last unless they learn real quick they are secondary and will always be secondary. I've got more important shit in my life right now than you. That's just the reality of it. If B decides to leave forever, then guess what, my calendar will open the fuck up. For now though, you have to accept what time I have or you get none at all. Plain and simple. We'll see what happens. Not going to lose any sleep that's for sure. I'm already losing enough over my spouse.

My niece is pregnant. Ugh. I don't know how I feel about that. I love her to death but ugh. One more step to a 'normal' life. Good luck with that.

Although, you all know what I am about to say... the pain from last night. It was cathartic. Pain. Losing all hope. It's freedom. Lost in oblivion. Babies don't sleep this well. Yeah.

Here it is:

ANA Y1 D73

Fuck. I have started and restarted this first sentence three times. I just don't know what to say this morning. Sitting down to type this has spiked my anxiety. I know this is important to do not only for mental health but for record keeping of my life, but this is the hardest thing I do every morning. Because it forces me to look at everything under a fucking microscope. When I type and write in here, I can't disassociate. I can't pretend. I have to look at the events of yesterday in cold reality. Which we all know, sucks.

It was very quiet and empty when I woke up this morning. The issue isn't that B is gone. B has left for camping or other things before. I have spent way too many nights in hotels to feel separation anxiety. No, it's part that comes next that's killing me. What happens when and if they come home? Where do we go from there? How will our relationship be changed? What does the future hold? That's what's so scary about them being gone right now. This is a big, lonely house for one person. This is a small state and area for a broken relationship. Many fears are raising their ugly head right now causing the insides of my guts to feel like spaghetti. This is what makes me cry. This is what makes me want to hurt myself. I don't know if I will make it out the other side this time.

The morning yesterday was rough. I passed out in the kitchen. The lack of sleep and food caught up to me. It was around 8 or so that I took a buspar, and it hit me weird. I went upstairs, dry heaved, then passed out on the kitchen floor in a pool of sweat. 10mg is too much for my body. I need to break these pills in half. I woke up an hour later still in the kitchen on the floor being licked by cats. Good times. Showered and started going on about my day. When B woke up I made them breakfast, possibly the last one ever, and helped them figure out what to bring for the week. We also went over the schedule so they knew when it was "safe" to come back into the house this week. Like today, they have a window of at least 12-6. Tomorrow, 4:30 - 11. This way they can help with the dog. Plus they can have some quality time with all the pets. All good. I left around 2:30 to meet BB for ice cream. I sincerely don't know what time they left even though I could easily enough look at the camera. But I'm not going to. They did turn off location sharing as I asked them to. I checked that. If it hadn't been off I was going to remind them. I'm fucking trying here, okay? Literally the only info I have right now is what they are choosing to share on social media. Like I said before, we aren't blocking each other, we're not closing doors. They truly just need space. Okay, take it. The only communication we've had in the last 16 hours is like 6 lines exchanged in telegram. Them telling me a package was delivered, me responding, me saying goodnight, them responding, them asking for a picture of the calendar, me sending it. That's it. 

What about me and what I did yesterday? Thanks for asking. So I left at 2:30, met BB at the ice cream place around 3. I was able to get street parking downtown because it was a Sunday. I was enthralled by the area he lives in. Finally seeing real city and downtown. It felt very much like being in The City. Ability to walk everywhere, corner stores, old buildings. I was in heaven. We had ice cream, chatted for a while, and then we walked back to his place. Maybe three blocks? He lives on the third floor (stairs only, yes) of this old building with radiator heaters on the wall, brick walls, weird layout. I loved it. I loved every moment I spent in his apartment. We had a nice time. We talked for like 3 hours about our lives. The good, the bad, the ugly. He is a really nice guy and I am happy to have made a new friend. Nothing more than that. Just a new friend. I got home around 6:30 I would say, maybe 7. Made some dinner, watched 3 episodes of Sandman, went to bed at 9:45. I fell right asleep. Woke up at 1:30, saw a message from B asking for the picture, sent it, fell back to sleep until 5. 

I get tattooed today. Give me pain. It's all I deserve.

ANA Y1 D72

WTF was yesterday? I honestly don't know. It was all over the map. From positive highs to soul crushing lows and everything in between. I didn't take a pill yesterday because I didn't feel I needed it, but I did just tale one right now to take the edge off. I've had 2.5 hours sleep. As is only appropriate, let's start at the beginning.

Got up, went and washed the truck, stopped at target, visited MCGF for like five minutes, and hit the grocery store. Productive morning time. When B got up, we had one more of our lovely chats. This time though, something happened significant. They asked me to 'flip the narrative'. To truly put myself in their shoes. When they described what I did by reaching out to CGF from that perspective, it clicked. I see where I made mistakes. It wasn't JUST reaching out to CGF. It was my specific wording and actions. I get it now. I understand why they are so mad. I don't back down from the fact that I felt I did the right thing, but I can see which pieces of my actions are causing the anger and resentment. The difference though I can get past it. That is what they will be working on this week while they are out of the house. There were some positive indicators that they are trying to work through things, but. I don't know what our relationship is going to look like on the other side. That's the problem. I am hoping this time away does some good for both of us. I need a damn break myself. I am going out today to meet my new friend (FWB?) BB. I say FWB cautiously because frankly, I'm not attracted to "men" but there's a catch here, isn't there? The parts they have and the energy they give off is anything but "man". The exact opposite. I wasn't planning on making it FWB, but given what happened later in the day yesterday, all bets are off.

B shared a lot during our talk. I know the new one's name. I know about them. I am getting B comfortable talking about their external partners which allows me to be more comfortable in sharing some stuff. We aren't looking to share intimacy details, but just knowing who is in our spouse's life is important. I also know from B told me, NGF (new girlfriend), is probably just a rebound. They have a kid, they live in a weird shared living space, they're a short chunky butch - not really B's type usually. But it's a distraction they need and can use and if it makes us get to a better place, fine. No issue here.

B left around 5:30 or so to meet a new friend for coffee. This person is looking for friends and maybe more but not exclusively. They went out for coffee with the intent of just being friends so B shared about them as well. They are a non-binary lesbian who moved back here from CO. Stoner. Another one with a kid. A little older than B. Ironically, I matched with them too on the same app that B met them on. I had already known what they looked like when they told me their name. They hung out at a coffee shop and B was back around 7:00. We then got ready to go to the club with our friend group. B asked in NF (new friend) could come because they want to get involved in the LGBT community and thought it would be nice to meet some people. I said of course as the whole point of this was to make a new friend, so let's make a new friend. If B wants to share this friend, fine, if not also fine. When NF shows up, we welcome them into our little group. They're a nice person. But here's the kicker - they are an almost carbon copy of fucking CGF. Seriously. Same 12 year old boy body. Same kind of weird hair and tattoos. It's clear B has a type. We left the club around midnight to hang out at our friend's place and as we were driving, B admitted that FWB with NF is a possibility, but they are just getting to know them and not sure if they have any interest in B that way. Cool. When they shared that, I shared that I might also have the same thing with BB. All good from both of us. These open lines of communication are important and will help us move forward.

We hung out at our friend's place until about 2. NF was there and I got to know them better. They are really nice and I hope B does have an opportunity to establish a friendship at least. I said there were some positive moments yesterday. One of those was while we were at our friend's. B called me "babe". They haven't used any terms of affection in like two weeks. It was a small gesture, but it meant a lot to me. I didn't acknowledge it in any way, but it felt good. I know that sounds stupid, but these little things mean the world to me right now. We came home around 2, watched some tv together, went to bed around 3:30, and I laid there until 4:30. 

Waiting to hear from BB on where we're meeting today. 

ANA Y1 D71

I don't know if it's because we are slowly starting to come out the other side of everything, or because B had a date Thursday (had sex?) and felt wanted again, or if it's because the meds are finally stabilizing (gee, a little over a week, just like I said it would take), but yesterday was one of the better days we've had in 2 weeks since everything went down. Plain and simple. 

I was all prepared to spend the night at our friend's last night. But here I am sitting in my office, typing from home as it should be. In the morning I went to therapy and had a decent session. We're still traipsing over the same old ground, but what do you expect when it is the forefront of everything going on? Honestly, it's all that consumes me right now. Figuring out how to move forward with or without my spouse. I don't know yet which of those it will be, but if yesterday was any indication, I still have a sliver of hope. Although I had a bad moment in the morning. Was banging my head against the shower wall hard enough that I drew blood. I told my therapist I feel I need to atone for my sins. I have finally reached a stage in my life where I understand self-flagellation. How fucking sad is that?

When I got back, B wasn't up. I did a little of this, little of that. Nothing concrete or solid. B woke up around 12:30, went to the chiropractor. While they were gone, I washed the blanket on the bed. When I woke up they were back and working on some art they've been doing. They asked me if it was alright if our friend came over while I was out of the house so they could watch a show together. I didn't and still don't understand why they felt the need to ask? The paranoid side of me says I am being set up and it's all leading towards them being together in the future. Why do I say that? Something else happened later that struck me as odd. You'll see. I said of course, it's not problem. They were planning on going to dinner before hand. Still, no issue. I was planning to be out of there around 6:30 or so. 

Well, a few minutes later B asks if I want to go to dinner with them. I guess they messaged each other and I don't know which one suggested it, but they invited me to join. Okay. We watched some more tv together while we waited. Our talks were casual and basic, but we talked. When our friend arrived, we headed to Cheesecake Factory. He had a $50 gift card he wanted to use up. It was an hour wait from when we got there, and we walked the mall to kill time. They text you when your table is ready these days. We all chatted and B got a couple of things they needed. All good. 

At dinner, our friend said he had a question to ask me. He asked if B could go to a wedding with him in September as his date. I was perplexed why he asked. Honestly. B said it was their idea because they were trying to make sure I didn't feel awkward or weirded out. Well, I felt more weirded out by them asking. I flat out said "our you two dating?". No. "Are you two fucking?". No. Okay then, why do I care? You've known each other for 20 years. Your friends and your friend needs a date for a family event, who you've also known for 20 years. Go. But combine this with the earlier thing of them including me in dinner, it makes me wonder what's going on. I know, that's paranoid and wrong, but it doesn't change anything. At this point it was getting too late for me to go to our friend's house and I told B that. They said it was fine if I stayed home. I clearly wasn't ruining any secret plans for them to fuck once I left the house. It's all so strange. I know I am not in the best headspace, but it was just too many little things all at once. I will stop now. Let it go. We got back to the house around 10:30, hung out. It was too late to watch the show I guess because our friend left a little after midnight. B went to bed and I went downstairs for a while. I have been chatting with biker boy. That's the new friend from group. New name I guess is BB. BB is a transman and we just had a vibe. I need more local friends. We arranged a coffee meet for ourselves for Sunday around 2 or 3. Looking forward to helping me to distract from home life because B is leaving earlier than that and this time will be gone for the week. Got into bed around 1, pill free, and went to sleep.

Only woke up twice. Once at 3 something and again at 5. I went back to sleep until almost 6:30. B was in bed both times I woke up. And asleep for once. So again, maybe we are moving forward finally. Will it be with me? I don't know, but we're being civil and kind to each other which is a big improvement. Today there's nothing planned until the night time. We're all going to the club together. Even B. They asked if they were still invited. Um, of course. It will be a big group of us. They also have a coffee meeting planned in the afternoon with a new friend. Just friend because like me, they need more. I get that for sure. Otherwise, let's see how the morning time goes and if it is another civil day.

ANA Y1 D70

I couldn't sleep last night. Just it wouldn't come. I fucking hate insomnia. When you have insomnia you're not really awake or asleep. You're just there. That was me last night. Just there. I really didn't have a reason not to sleep? I think it was the drugs. Restlessness, nervousness, and unusual excitement are listed as initial side effects of buspirone. So it was probably that. I took it so I didn't wake up this morning with anxiety. So far that plan seems to be working. I have about 5 hours until a second dose can be taken which means it's still solidly in my system. Hence why I am actually okay this morning while typing all this out.

Yesterday I did some work in the morning, went around 2 to pick up my new pills, came back as B was packing up to head out for the rest of the day. They were gone from around 3 until 11:30. As I said, trying to minimize path crossing. In total we spent maybe 20 minutes awake and in the same room yesterday. Fuck, when I type it out and realize it, that fucking sucks. FUCK. I hate this. I really do. They didn't spend the whole time with their date. They first went to their grandparents for a visit. They didn't get to the date until 5 or 6 from what I can piece together. Fucking technology telling me where someone is at all times. Realistically they spent 5 hours or so at the date's place. Which means it wasn't a "date", it was a smoke and fuck. They even wore makeup which they haven't done in a very long time. I guess they like this girl? Fucking lesbians fucking on the first date. To be fair I am kind of just poking fun and joshing on this. I really don't care about the fucking? Like I did it Wednesday night? But at least it was technically our 3rd date. We followed the rules. Plus we really did date things? We didn't just hang out, get high, and have sex. I don't know. Doesn't matter. No seriously, it doesn't matter. My point was they came home at a reasonable time, there was no drama, so why couldn't I sleep? I was up and down until 3. Two hours again. 

While they were gone, I ordered in sushi, and watched a new show. I watched Paper Girls. Really good. I made it six episodes in. Could have finished given that I couldn't sleep. I should have just finished it. Oh well. Something for today. I chatted online with a bunch of people, MCGF included. I also made a new friend from group and we are trying to meet up Sunday just to hang out. They were supposed to message me last night but didn't. Oh well. I don't want to be pushy and message them, but if I don't hear from them by this afternoon, I might. Just a quick hi. I have also been trying to meet up with a new friend from Bumble. 

I shared with my group yesterday how this time around things are different. I mean, let's be real, this is a carbon copy of what happened 13 years ago. X2 left in the middle of the night and that was that. They left, I moved out, life happened. But there are big differences this time so I should be okay? Some differences:

• B is not sneaking away in the middle of the night
• This is a controlled test of a limited number of days
• I already have someone to keep me sane and provide physical touch
• I'm not leaving the house
• I know where they're going to be and it will be with a safe, neutral friend
• I have a support group, a therapist, and a doctor who gives me drugs

BUT the biggest and most important? I have real friends right here I can turn to for help. Last time I've come to realize just how shallow and fake some of my friendships were. These weren't my real friends. They were people who owned businesses who acted friendly towards me. These were employees at said businesses. Sure, I had a couple of people, but they never really knew me. They knew surface me and the me that was trying to keep it all together. The people I know now have seen me fall apart. They know the pain I am going through. They are neutral in this fight but ready to support me and in some cases B. I have deeper, closer friendships with people not only here, but people a short trip away. People I KNOW would come to me if I needed them. One messaged me last night at 12:30am and apologized because they were on vacation and didn't message me sooner. This is what I am talking about. Real friends who I can be open and honest with this time. So yeah, I will get through this no matter the outcome. I have to.

Okay so today. Going to therapy. Coming home and doing not much. Heading to my friend's tonight to spend the night. Give B space. My understanding is they are staying home for some downtime and alone time. Good. They need it. I would like to come out of this better. I do wonder though, how would things be right now if I just hadn't reached out to CGF. But I can't ponder what ifs. I don't have time for that shit anymore. Time to pay bills. And apparently the piper.

ANA Y1 D69

Both of the following statements are true:

• B is leaving on Sunday
• I lost a nose piercing in a vagina last night

Yep. Such is my life. The anxiety is really bad right now. I took a Buspar but it hasn't kicked in yet. Hopefully in the next few minutes it will kick in and do its job. Back to those two statements. Yesterday we had what is probably the last "discussion" for a while. I was told I am not being patient enough, that I'm not giving them enough space, and that I need to stay out of their life until they figure things out. Okay. Be that way. Here's what is going to play out over the next week:

• Tonight they have a date and I am going to sit at home, do laundry, go grocery shopping and pick up my new prescription for 60 more Buspar.
• Tomorrow I am going to go out around 7pm and spend the night at our friend's house. I will come home some time on Saturday and they will be hanging out with their friend on Saturday, as well as having a coffee date, so we shouldn't cross paths. I will be going out Saturday night and not home until 2am. Again, we shouldn't cross paths
• Sunday they're going to go out to hang out with a friend then go over to another friend's house where they will stay until at least Thursday. 

During the time they are gone we are not going to message, text, or otherwise communicate unless it is an emergency. We're not blocking each other on social media, nor are we moving anything out of the house. All of the animals are staying with me for now. I am disassociating this in my mind by seeing it as they are up north with no cell reception. 5 days, no contact. From there we will see how things are going and plan our next steps. I don't know what next Friday will hold. That's the next 7-8 days of my life. See why I wanted more drugs? This one needs to kick in. Like now.

Other things that happened yesterday include my doctor's appointment which went really well. My numbers are all where they're supposed to be and some better than others. When we do my next pellets, if my numbers stay the same, I can increase from 6 to 8. That means longer in between visits and less I have to think about. My body development is on track. One thing I have to do is start weight cycling. I need to buy a scale. I need to start having some fat redistribution. The doctor wants me to drop 20-25 pounds then add 10-15 of it back. The new fat will go to different places - boobs, ass, hips. Okay. What I will probably do then is lose 50 and bring back 30. Get some real definition going. I need a scale to see where I am and how much is realistic. With B gone next week it will be easy to not eat. Yeah, I know. The cycle repeats itself?

At 10 I was supposed to take the cat to the vet but we couldn't find her. Cue 30 minutes of frantic searching looking for this cat. We thought she got outside, we thought she was in ceiling. I was freaking out. B on the other hand was cold and numb. Once again they disassociated and gave up. See why I think there is more wrong with her than she thinks? Go figure. She did have a psych appointment yesterday and they are increasing the dosage of one med and will be trying another in about a week. I hope this all helps. At least they are communicating with their doctor and making a plan. Speaking of plans, they also have possibly decided on a career path. They found a certification program for bookkeeping. I support this. It's right up their mental alley and frankly paves the way to move into what I do in terms of reporting and analytics. I think this is a good idea. We did finally find the cat in the closet buried in a pile of clothes. Fucker. However, this is when the discussion started because I couldn't understand why they were behaving the way they were. 

They left around 2 to go hang out with friends, came home around 9:30 from what I can determine. For some reason, the front yard camera isn't picking up their car. It gets mine on the right, but not theirs on the left. I need to adjust that. Regardless, they were home when I got home. Which is a shock because earlier in the day I asked when they might be home and the response was "after you". This was so they didn't have to sit and stress while I was out, same thing I did with CGF. Stay out as long as possible to minimize the amount of time you have in your head. I guess they came to terms with me being out or had to come home earlier than planned. Either way, they were home when I got home at 10pm. Because unlike them, I'm respectful and wouldn't come crawling in at 3am. 

As for me, I went out around 3. Picked up MCGF and we went bowling. It was a lot of fun. We then found a combo Thai/Vietnamese place that was REALLY good. Like some of the best I've had here. I would definitely go back. After that we had DQ, sat in the parking lot watching the thunderstorm. We couldn't go back to her place until 8 to make sure we weren't intruding on the kids and husband. They have a converted garage that they both use for this sort of thing. But the kids were up and we had to not cause an issue. All good. We got back to her house at 8 and started having some fun. We went at it until about 9:30. Part of that was also me just getting some hugs and physical touch in. You know, what B has been withholding from me for the past 2 weeks. I mean seriously, I laid in her lap and just let her hold me. How fucking sad is that is all I need sometimes? I don't need sex. I need to be fucking held. But we did also have sex. That need was also there. 

I headed home, immediately took a shower, got into bed. I slept well. B was up and down all night I think coming to bed around 2. Don't really care? I mean if they want to be my roommate for the next couple of days until they leave, then it's not my place to ask them any questions and vice versa. To their credit, they didn't ask me about my night. Not that I would have said anything. 

Wow. This is the longest post in a while. But as you can see, a lot going on. The Buspar has finally kicked in and I should be able to function for a while. Let's see how that goes.

ANA Y1 D68

 I got 90 minutes of sleep. Why? Because I was on B alert all night. Why? Fucking CGF. Yep. Just when you think the drama and trauma are over. And B questions why I did what I did. But let's back up, shall we?

I worked on a new module yesterday. From like 5 until 2 or 3. I was focused and got through quite a bit. During that time I was down in my hole and B didn't get up until noon, just in time for their 1pm therapy appointment. I popped a Buspar yesterday and today to keep the anxiety at bay. I wait to go upstairs after their appointment on purpose so as not to start anything. They say they're fine. Okay. At like 3:30 their friend comes over and they go get a Slurpee. Surprisingly, they bring me back one. I am pleasantly pleased and genuinely surprised. We all sit and talk until it's time for me to leave for group around 5:45. I stop on the way to pick up one of the women in group who needed a ride. I get there around 6:30 and have a good time in group. 

After we go to our normal place and guess who shows up? That's right! B! I had invited them earlier mostly figuring they wouldn't show. Again, two surprises in one day. But this time I can tell something is off. They're not fully there, they are snappy towards me (and only me), and as usual, they're glued to their phone. I said something and they bit my head off. Many of the people at the table noticed but were polite enough to be embarrassed for me. They leave before I do as we drove separate and I have to take my friend home. I get home around 11:30 and they're at the table all mopey. I ask what's wrong, get "nothing" as the response, so I push my luck and ask again. Whelp, CGF and them have "parted ways" yet again. Apparently hanging out all day Saturday was too much for CGF. Look, when will the two of you just admit that the feelings are deeper than you care to acknowledge. Hell, B was looking at fucking jobs in Seattle. I mean seriously bitch. Just up and say you want to run off with CGF and have this lesbian life. Just. Fucking. Admit. It. Even if it's only a fantasy, just admit they mean more to you than you let on. Because I was now worried about them. They got into bed a little after midnight without a word and proceeded to lay there on the phone doom scrolling. I stayed awake the whole time because I didn't trust them to do something stupid. I dozed off for like 10 minutes until I felt them get up at 1:40. I went into the other room to see what they were doing. Sorry, I am checking on you, yes. They came back to bed at 2, and stayed awake. I also stayed awake until 3:30. Slept until 4:50. I don't know when they fell asleep, but I tried my best. They were in bed when I got up and appeared to be asleep. It might have been a ruse though because I just heard them coughing and the sounds of movement like 20 minutes ago. I have been up for an hour but for some reason am moving slowly. 

So yeah. 

I have an insanely busy day. Doc appt at 9. Vet at 10:20. Then going to see MCGF in the afternoon. We have no explicit plans but I don't care. I need to spend time with someone who actually wants me around and doesn't see me as the enemy. Somewhere in there I need to finish this new module. Each day is its own challenge and I don't know how many more of them I can take.

ANA Y1 D67

Yesterday was annoying. That's the best word I can use. Oh and I should mention, things are at the point where I took a Buspar this morning. Tired of the crippling anxiety at 5am. I know I shouldn't start my day medicated, but how is this any different that B starting the day by smoking pot? I have to be able to function and if this is what it will take, then so be it. I should have taken one before bed too if I am being honest. I went to bed at 10:45, laid awake until 11:15, slept until 12, B came in to the bedroom, I fell back to sleep until I heard them get up to go into the guest room to masturbate 20 minutes later (yes, I know what you're doing, you're not slick Cosmo), fell back to sleep until 2, woke up at 3:30, fell back to sleep until 5. So yeah, should have taken one last night too.

Back to yesterday. I got up, took my time, washed my hair, relaxed, but was constantly on edge waiting for them to wake up. They were supposed to go out and hang with R. So I planned my afternoon and evening activities around them not being home. I was going to hang out with MCGF for a little while, get some tacos at a new Mexican street food place, masturbate (what? I can't do that??), go to bed early. Nope. None of that came to pass. When they got up at noon, they found out their plans had been cancelled and now they were home all day. Ugh. Another day of pretending to be civil towards each other and act like I want to be here. Which I don't. 

We did have yet another fucking discussion. Look, I know it's good we communicate but right now we're just rehashing the same shit and it's driving me nuts. Not going to lie. We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year. Running over the same old ground, what have we found? The same old fears. Wish you here. 

We talked about how the meds are dulling their creativity. We talked about how there are things we need to change in the house to improve our quality of life. We did not talk about us. The only thing I give a shit about. If you haven't figured it out yet, deep down, I don't want them to go. I do love them. I might not like them right now, but I do love them. They are a part of me. They give me hope and joy, well not right now, but before. I can't take losing them. It's too much. We did go have the street food I wanted. That was quite tasty. I like that I found a new place to eat. But if we do divorce, I can't handle seeing them around town. That's also killing me. I will have to move. Or they will. One of us has to go. Oh, we also talked about how we would kill ourselves. Yeah, that was a dark conversation. Both of us agree, guns, knives, and pills are off the table. Too much of a chance that it will go wrong. Because even if we didn't succeed, we would try again. And again. And again. So it has to be one shot, one time, clean. THAT'S where we are right now.

Luckily we were saved more anguish of having to talk as one of our friends came over and we got to focus on their life drama. Thank god. They hung out with us from like 6:30 until about 10. It was a needed distraction. Today they have therapy. Maybe more progress will be made. Maybe not. I have group so I get to be out here around 6:15 and won't be home until 11. I can go straight to bed. Then tomorrow I am going out to see MCGF finally. I am excited for that.

ANA Y1 D66

Well, B and I finally had a talk. It wasn't pretty. Mostly because while I was up at 7am, they didn't get up until 2:30pm. I spent the entire morning crying because I just can't live this way any more. The limbo, the stasis, it's all killing me. Honestly even right now my anxiety is at an 11 for no good reason. I mean really. I have the day off, I slept, nothing dramatic is going on at this moment, so why is my heart racing and my flight or fight kicking in? I'm literally doing nothing but sitting here typing. Fuck my brain. 

But I digress. When her highness deemed the world ready for their presence, I sat them down and straight up said, I can't live like this any more. I told them I have lost my best friend. That I have a roommate. They blamed me for it all. That we may never get back to where we were. They even said they won't commit to couples therapy because they don't know if they are staying. Then they asked "do you want me to leave?". For once I was honest. I said yes, but. I am not going to get stuck taking care of this entire house. Speaking of which, I have Molly Maid coming next week to do an in-home estimate for once a month service. Clean the baseboards, floors, etc. Monthly is fine for that. But I digress. They then asked if I wanted to leave. I again was honest. Yes, but I can't move my work. I can't lug four computers somewhere. I can't go where there's no internet. So for the time being, we're stuck in this house. I then said fine, if you're my roommate and you can't contribute financially, there's a half dozen things around this house I want you to pick up doing. These are the chores you need to start taking over. We argued, we debated, but we came to a conclusion. We also laid down that this means each other's coming and goings were our business only. Of course that was their idea. Because guess who's on fucking Tinder now! Yep, she's a swiping on the hookups. Whatever. I stated that our boundaries are still in effect as long as we're married and if they blow that, we're are done.

There's something else major we discussed; their meds situation. I believe they have undiagnosed issues. They were diagnosed depression and given the abilify by a zoom call 30 minute psych appointment. No like. B even agrees that they may have more. Schizophrenia, bipolar. Something deeper is going on. So they will work with their doctors and therapists to see if there is other meds instead to help with all this. More than 'mood stabilizers'. I also laid it out for them finally that they keep saying how good they were off their meds and that is untrue. They were still a fucking wreck. I pointed out all the behaviors and instances. Including how much CGF was a factor. Which to circle it all back, defends my actions. As part of our discussion they kept trying to say things I supposedly did and I kept shutting down every argument. "You were never going to tell me". Nope, read right here where it says "until B is stable, let's keep this between us". Things like that B kept trying to throw at me and I had receipts. Not this time bitch. 

So all that happened. We then tried to be civil to each other for the rest of the day. They went out at 10pm to do whatever and came back at 12:30. I went to bed around 1 because I was doing stuff. I am off today light week thankfully. Going to group on Tuesday, and then finally seeing MCGF on Wednesday and possibly Saturday. Time for me to focus on me.